Every single time she would pull a stunt, I would always rise to the bait. Just the sound of her voice or seeing an email from her in the inbox would raise my hackles. I'd get all jacked up with the anger, ready to do battle. I was immediately on guard and in fight mode. After awhile, I just realized that she is who she is, nothing I can do will ever change her, it's a waste of my time/energy/sanity to participate in these meaningless exchanges with her and I just stopped.

I stopped defending myself when she would say ugly things about me because I know they are not true, everyone I care about knows they are not true and I know I can never change her opinion. Why fight it? You can't reason with an unreasonable person. You can't expect an irrational person to understand logic.

I stopped trying to defend my husband's rights for visitation... I mean, hey, they are HIS kids. If he wants to see them, let HIM take it up with her. If they don't want to come, fine. If he doesn't ask to get them, fine. If she won't let us have them, fine. Oh, well. I send them emails once or twice a month. I never get a response, but even that is just a minor irritation. She raised spoiled, selfish, self-centered kids. I'm just glad MY kids don't act that way. The ill manners of her kids are not my responsibility. It's tragic, but hey, that's life. I'd like them to be a part of the family, I do my best to include them in everything, but I am not going to leap tall buildings or scale mountains for other people's children. I told myself they are ultimately not my responsibility and forgave myself for not giving a shit what happens to them when they are NOT in my home, under my roof and in my care. I mother them like my own when they are with me and I do love them dearly, but when they are with their mom, they are her problem, not mine.

I stopped entertaining her conversations about money. If she ever sent a bill, I'd pay our share, but she doesn't, so I don't. If she calls or emails wanting to know about the CS, I respond back with the date I sent in the payment and tell her if she has other questions, to take it up with the CSE office. Then I ignore her repeated questioning.

I stopped letting her have access to me, my family, my home. If she abuses the email, I block her. When she abused the phone, I got our number changed to an unlisted one IN MY NAME and didn't give it to her until she started behaving again. I stopped using the record messages part of our answering machine and replaced that with a message that says we are not home, please try again later, so that she can't leave hostile messages. I never have given her my cell phone number and never will. She'll never have DH's work number or work cell phone number. She has his personal cell number and that's it. If she abuses it, we turn it off.

I ex-wife-proofed my life so that, even before we moved, I was insulated from her and so was my home and my family. Without us giving her the satisfaction of a response, she stopped a lot of the attacks. Moving far away was good... we get to see the kids as much as we used to (maybe once a year, more likely NEVER), but we don't have to deal with the hassle and disappointment of asking, getting told maybe, getting told yes, then getting cancelled at the last minute.

The biggest help, though, has been my husband. He is ALWAYS on my side, he puts our marriage first, he backs up my discipline, he taught his children to respect me as his equal and the mom of the house, he treats all the kids the same, he has no problem telling his children NO and he has never, ever sacrificed anything important to me or our family just to appease his ex. To his credit, even if he doesn't understand the WHY of my request, if he knows it's important to me, he'll do everything he can to make it happen. Example... he didn't understand at first why I didn't want him going INSIDE the ex-wife's house when he would pick up the kids. I explained to him about boundaries. He STILL didn't get it... BUT HE STOPPED GOING INSIDE THE HOUSE, EVEN THOUGH HE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY I ASKED HIM NOT TO. He's not perfect, but I'm lucky not to have most of the usual DH complaints.

As to forgiveness, I don't forgive her for a thing. I will never forgive her for the way she has hurt me, my family and especially my husband. If she burst in flames in front of me, I wouldn't even piss on her to put her out. She's not worth my spit. But I also don't care about her enough to let her get to me. The opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is ambivalence. Hating someone requires passion and energy. I'm not wasting my passion or my energy on her. She's not worth it. Ambivalence costs me nothing, so that's all I allow her to get from me... my complete and utter disregard for her existence.

I still get irritated with her, definitely. But like I try to advise others, I just roll my eyes, shrug my shoulders and forget her. Five minutes is four minutes and 59 seconds too long for me to spend thinking about her. It took awhile. It wasn't overnight. You have to fake it 'til you make it, but if you practice it long enough, eventually it becomes second nature. Ah, freedom!

~ Anne ~

"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook