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How can I rid myself or resentingmy step kids???

regina filange's picture

Submitted by regina filange on Wed, 09/21/2011 - 1:35pm

I have 2 step daughters ages 7 & 5. I have been married to their dad for 2 years now and I am currently expecting a child. The relationship between my step-daughters and I has gotten better but my ill feelings for them have not. I don't like feeling this way and the fact that anythign triggers it. I don't khate them all the time, it's just when there are situations where my husband will pick them over me. Petty things like... not walking with me on the track because the track wasn't around the play structure where his girls were at. Or...staying longer at the museum to make sure the girls had lots of fun even though I was very tired at 4 months pregnant. The girls were not good to me, (or good at all). They would chew with their mouth open, didn't say please or thank you, dictated what the plans were, constant baby talk. Thair behavior has gotten allot better since I came in the picture because I told my husband I didn't want my own children to be like that and we needed to fix it now before our children came in the picture. They also use to be physically abusive with me, they would kick me, pull my hair, pinch me under the table, stuff like that. I have never laid a hand on them even though they've given me plenty of reasons. I've treated them good even when they were bad with me but my feelings have not improved. The love I show them is fake, I do it because I have to not because I want to... I feel like I'll always wish they didn't exist, I need help. FYI we have 50/50 custody, their mom is still in love with my husband and the girls are clear about them wanting their parents together.

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Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Wed, 09/21/2011 - 2:01pm

They're little kids. Of course they are going to dream about their parents being together. It's how your husband handles it and goes about teaching them how to accept reality as time goes on. It's not going to happen overnight but it will happen if he handles it the right way.

He needs to tell them they don't have to love or like you, but they must treat you nicely and do as you tell them. You two need to come up with consequences for when they mistreat you (i.e. no tv or dessert for the night, going to bed early, etc). And he needs to sit all four of you down and tell them the rules and punishments for disobeying them, and tell them in terms they can understand that you're not replacing their mom, but you are a parent figure to them in your house so you will now be helping Dad to enforce rules and punishments. You and DH both reiterate to them that they do not have to love or like you but must treat you nicely and obey you.

Do they know you're expecting? Getting them in on the action can be a very helpful way of lessening jealousy and making them feel important. Say things often like, "this baby is so lucky to have you two as big sisters!" and "you're going to be an awesome big sister!" Also be sure to have DH let them know that this baby won't diminish his love for them, and he'll love them even more for being wonderful big sisters.

I will warn you that you will have an uphill battle ahead if BM is not on board with, at the very least, trying to teach the kids about treating others with respect and behaving. She doesn't necessarily have to have the same rules/consequences as you guys but it would be great if she had at least something in place. Research PAS (parental alienation syndrome) as that is dealt with a lot on here. Go to Dr. Richard Warshak's website (you can google his name) and buy some of the materials on his site for your DH and SDs (he has kids materials there too).

Best of luck & congratulations Smile

alwaysanxious's picture

Submitted by alwaysanxious on Wed, 09/21/2011 - 2:11pm

You may have to accept these feelings and learn to deal with them.
I care for my SD15. I don't think I ever will. The part to work on is controlling your behavior and "faking" it.

I hope this isn't the case for you, but if it is, you are not alone.

Oh and it gets worse when they are teens. Sounds like some of this is your DH fault for not controlling their behavior and pushing you aside for them.

regina filange's picture

Submitted by regina filange on Wed, 09/21/2011 - 2:53pm

Thanks. My husband and I have sat down with them and he has set them straight on how their behavior towards me is not ok. He reminds them that even when they are mean to me I am still nice to them and they needs to respect me. I agree that it is my DH's fault, I can't do much on my end because I am the step mom, bu this opinion counts and only he can make the changes. I feel resentment towards my DH as well because I had to speak up about his girls mistreating me, even when it was obvious war. I told him that if I had a child that was mistreating him, I would khave not been ok with it EVEN if he didn't complain. I hate that he had to wait for me to complain and it didn't bother him enough to correct them. I would be in tears almost daily before and every time I felt that hate for them I would pray for God to give me nothing but love for them. While my break downs are less now, they still happen and I know it's not good for my spirit. Has any one had it go away??

nodramastepmama's picture

Submitted by nodramastepmama on Wed, 09/21/2011 - 3:13pm

I would reccommend counseling for yourself and possibly your DH and skids. How can you go through life "faking" love? Those girls are going to figure it all out when they're older, and once your DH figures it out too, you're going to have alot of anger and hurt feelings geared towards you. I don't understand how you could be married to someone when you don't love his children? I personally couldn't do it, but no judgement here, just my opinion. Plus when your baby arrives, you're going to love that baby and your skids are going to see the difference. Believe me, I've seen it in many families, where the moms have a "birth child" and disregard their skids, it's VERY sad.