I wonder what he is feeling
Well I might get some grief for this post. Several weeks ago someone I dated for a few months before my now SO, reached out to me. I had planned his oldest sons graduation party and the second one just graduated. He wanted to find out a certain vendor I used. I think he could have found one on his own but whatever. I did answer and gave him the information. The company still had all my information and I was getting all the updates. I would forward to him. He would respond with how well I did the party before etc. Norhing bad. I do not have any feelings for him and I would never want him back. But the texts made me feel needed . Let me tell you his kids were so kind and loving not at all like my SKs. But anyway all that to get to this. You all know my SO and the too much contact that has gotten better but just won't stop. I think he likes it. Not that he wants BM back but it is the attention. I think Esmond said this to me before. But it is not okay. That feeling I had getting texts from someone was not okay . It is not okay for SO to keep communicating with BM so much. Let me know how far off base I am.
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I think you are right "on
I think you are right "on base." When our partner continually disrespects us and violates our boundaries, it creates a vacuum. That vacuum can be filled by many things, but another guy (or gal) fits into that space perfectly. Doesn't make it right, but it happens. I admit i have been there/done that many years ago in a previous relationship where i was cheated on, verbally abused, and kicked/shoved. I wish i had just left when i knew things were getting that bad.
Why can't we just leave? It's like there is something holding us back and the only way to stand it is to sink down to the level of our partner. It's not the other guy. He's not the solution to your problems because you left him for a reason. But he is a symptom.
Feeling needed
As I read your post, I remembered how I felt about the late BM's calls to DH, usually at work. I' m about 99% sure she didnt want him back, sbe wanted money and help with the 3 kids (I think). But I was incensed, actually extremely angry, hearing about it and seeing him respond.
As I think about it now, aside from the obligation he felt, I'm pretty sure he liked being needed. He's still like that, wants to do for people.
So, I'm guessing your DH likes feeling needed. Its so aggravating.
And who better to fill the
And who better to fill the need to be needed than a needy person who wants help and attention with even the smallest things in life? It's a bad combo.
The Disneyland dad I used to
The Disneyland dad I used to deal with was like this too.
He claimed he didn't want his ex wife back but he would let her call him every other day (usually begging for money "oh the kids need money for hair, pizza for dinner tonight, dress for church, etc ...") for multiple times a week cash grabs, drop everything to rescue her from her multiple manufactured "crisis", have her kids calling 24/7 to hound him about stuff she was fully capable of handling herself (ex "dad I'm at moms house rn but where did I put my glasses?" ... like how tf is he gonna know where things are at your mothers house?)
the problem = wanting to feel needed like y'all mentioned above and having codependent relationships with his exwife and kids who he saw as "extensions" of himself.
Your are off base due to
Your are off base due to tolerating your SO. Stop avoiding your best life. Get on with living.
Do not settle. You are ... settling.
Take care of you.
I wish I could make him stop.
I wish I could make him stop. I can't. It won't get to the point where I want it to be at with the contact. But I am in my fifties. I honestly don't want to be alone. I have it in my mind that every man my age is going to have some sort of baggage I don't like. Sometimes I think it is because I know I am somewhat selfish . I want things my way but because he has a son who does soooo much BM has to update and ask about what SO can do ,it seems like it is always BM and SS way. I do get tons of attention and we do spend a lot of time with out the kids. And then I keep telling my self , it will better. Like when SS drives, that will elimate all the calls about taking him and picking him up from practices. SO will start to see how used he really was. When SD starting driving he really didn't have to take her anywhere any more.
I have it in my mind that
Yes. All men have some sort of "baggage" especially after a certain age. We all have some quirks, mental/physical challenges, ex baggage, past traumas, etc that can impact a relationship. The key may be to attract men who have less baggage so less energy expended focusing on those things can all room for focus on relationship building.
We all have baggage. We all
We all have baggage. We all have quirks. The key is finding someone who has baggage/quirks you can handle. Poor example, but... my DH smokes. I had to make the choice of can I live with a smoker or not. I dated someone who didn't like furbabies. Not for me.
Everyone has baggage. The key
Everyone has baggage. The key is engaging in the adventure together, and building a love for the ages regardless and in spite of the baggage. He will not put his baggage in a place where it is not a detriment to his life with you.
That... makes him and his baggage a write off IMHO.
I knew even before we married that my XW was not my one. As it turned out, she has no one. She has a never ending stream of the next one. XW and I married a month before I turned 24 and 5mos before she turned 21. I knew the AM after the wedding it was over before it had even really started. The issue was that I did not have the courage to end it on Monday AM with an annulment 2 days after the wedding.
The baggage in my approaching 30 year marriage to my incredible bride is huge. But it has never been allowed to be a detriment to us.
50 is not too late but it certainly is prime territory for a mistake of monumental proportions. Don't do that to yourself. This man is showing you exactly who he is and that you are not his priority nor would a marriage to you be his priority. Believe him.
End it, cold. Get into your own life. You will find amazing when you are not looking and when you least expect it.
Do be your own nightmare.
Who needs to stop is you.
I wish I could make him stop.
He is not the problem. Your tolerance of his presence in your life is the problem.
You stop being miserable by ending his presence in your life.