BM2 Just Won’t Quit
I've blogged before about SO and BM2's enmeshment when we first started dating 7 years ago. BM2 coming and going from his house, cooking meals in it, and the constant communication, mostly about what she wanted the schedule to be that day.
Anyway, i raised a big fuss about the coming and going and communication. SO took her to court to try to stop paying CS on the one who hasn't stayed a single night at her house in 8 years. The court case had nothing to do with me, as I didn't care how much he paid her as long as she wasn't a constant presence. He chose that due to financial issues. And he lost.
Fast forward to today, and SSnow21 is still living with SO full time. SSnow15 is 50/50, but on BM's weeks she picks him up at SO's house every evening sometime between 3 and 9. The communication is only about actual joint decisions.
BUT - BM2 still won't let go. SO told her that unless it's one of her usual days to pick up SS (and 10 times a month is enough already), not to show up at his house unannounced unless it's urgent and she has checked with SO. He put it on a group text and included BM2's husband. But she still does. Today i was over there working in his garden and she pulled up. She was bringing mangoes over unannounced. At least that's what SS15 said.
She also is still very close with his family. Does holidays and vacations with his brother and SIL. When all SO's female cousins have gatherings, she's there. I've never been invited. BM2 is at all the family weddings. She has started sucking up to his daughters with BM1. I can see on their Facebook posts. BM2 is the first comment with effusive compliments. SD25 just had a baby, and is living with BM1 in another state but i'm pretty sure BM2 is gushing over the baby.
I fking lost it to SO. I told him i don't want him to say anything to anyone. It will be useless. But i want him to know that i know what's going on. I know how often she's at his house and i know a lot of the food there comes from her. He often tries to hide it, and downplay her role in his family. I want to eventually get married and build a life with him. I want to be accepted by his family and be part of things. But after 7 years, i still don't think i could be happy living in a house where this woman is still so present or joining a family that is still so enmeshed with her. She frequently talks bad about me, so it's not just that she's there, but she is actively trying to "run me off."
SO doesn't want to deal with it. His solution is to never be home. Go to the pool hall every day. He just wants me to "be his peace." But i have no peace if it involves his house or his family.
- Rumplestiltskin's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Girl the Disneyland dad I
Girl the Disneyland dad I used to deal with was the same way....
His ex wife constantly manipulating and making her beastly presence known, sending her no-home-training kids into my peaceful home like I'm some ondemand free nanny (like no itchB keep those kids with you where they belong until Disneyland dad is off work and can deal with them....that's what he pays you child support for)
And acting gullible and clueless about her closet nefarious behavior
His ex and kids behavior scream enmeshed, overly dependent, etc and as much as I loved him as a person and tried to deal with his heavy duty industrial grade baggage I realized I cannot live my life with a man who thinks this is some sick sister wife fantasy/has zero boundaries allowing his exes to be heavily present.
Like you divorced the mfer for a reason so let the PAST stay in the past.
My dealbreakers for future relationships are:
No living with any man's minor kids (especially if said kids have no home training, we have different parenting styles)
No men who have heavily involved no boundary ex wives (not trying to share my partner with another woman especially no ex he used to be physically and emotionally intimate with)
NO DEPENDENTS of any kind (I may make an exception for aging parents as long as they don't meddle in my relationship) .... unless we discuss and agree on it first
Anyhow I know your situation is a bit different but i definitely understand your predicament
I've followed your blogs and
I've followed your blogs and your ex was pathetic. The skids here (at least the 2 living with him, his 2 mentally ill adult daughters are something else) aren't even the problem. Even SS15 is well-behaved now. But as long as they are living with him, BM2 will use that to keep coming over. Like, enjoy your kids at your own house. Feed them at YOUR house.
And the thought of them ever having kids makes me ill. I hate to say it but i don't like their future kids already (and i'm sure they will be sweet baby grandskids) because i know they will be just another way for BM2 to worm her way in. SO's nieces came to visit and BM2 used them as an excuse to come to SO's house and have my kids banned from SO's family "kid" activities. I usually like kids but any children in SO's family, even those birthed by his daughters from BM1, are another way BM2 worms her way in. SO sent me a pic of his new baby granddaughter from SD25 (her mom is BM1.) i texted back "Awww cute!" But i feel nothing for the child except dread at what drama will be brought forth in her name.
I'd hate it, too
My situation wasn't as dire as yours but our BM was so dependant on DH, it made me sick. Couldn't handle her kids, couldn't handle her child support, couldn't handle home maintenance or the yard, couldn't support herself couldnt handle her car maintenance, couldnt handle her subsrqient relationships, couldn't handle her birth control. Every bump in the road, she called DH, thankfully at work.
So, I understand how you feel. DH's parents were dead by then so I didn't have to deal with the family enmeshment like you do. Gross.
I feel for you, Rumple.
Eh, your situation sounds
Eh, your situation sounds like it was pretty dang bad, too. This BM also used to call and have SO discipline the skids when they were with her. They've just outgrown the behaviors. I don't think i could deal with that if it were happening now. And she never needed home maintenance help because she's either lived with her mother or a guy since the split. I would probably walk if he mowed her lawn. Idk. Things right now are just bad enough to make me question but not bad enough to leave. If i lived with SO i'd be long gone. Idk if i'm just prolonging the inevitable waiting for things to be what i would consider "livable." And grandskids are already arriving while there are still skids at home. I think grandskids may bring a repeat of the drama. SD25 and the baby had to be brought home to BM1's state so she could take care of both of them. It never fking ends.
The BM of the kids of the
The BM of the kids of the Disneyland dad I used to deal with was highly inept at life (or pretended to be just to get attention, time, money, control, etc)
Then her kids started learning these manipulative tactics from her ... act clueless and helpless to activate Disneyland Dads 24-7 B*tch Beck N Call remote pinging service
In my mind I'm thinking why tf would you marry AND procreate with a loser like this but men be so desperate and gullible they'll lay next to anything with t!ts and a pulse
SO's excuse for his kids is
SO's excuse for his kids is "they don't know any better." They are ages 15-28. Why the F don't they know better?!
I am so glad that we've
I am so glad that we've always had a couple of interstates and a river between us and BM!
This enmeshment has been going on a long time because your SO has allowed it and doesn't seem to have any real incentive to stop it.
Yep. He lacks boundaries in a
Yep. He lacks boundaries in a lot of areas in his life. I've almost had it. The straw that broke the camel's back wasn't heavy by itself. It probably suffered under the weight of a lot of bullsh!t before it happened.
Yea, this is crazy.
Yea, this is crazy.
Speaking of lack of
Speaking of lack of boundaries. He's in legal trouble due to that young woman he used to work with. It wasn't sexual but i told him over and over their relationship was inappropriate. I deleted the blogs i posted about it due to ongoing litigation and i'm going to delete this soon, too. But i have to get my feelings about it out into the universe. And my feelings are "That's what you GET!"
I had a feeling that was going to cause him problems.
I had a feeling that was going to cause him problems. Are you sure this guy is worth it?
Not lately, no.
Not lately, no.
Why are you choosing to be the modern Sisyphus?
The cunning Greek king sentenced to for eternity to continually push a giant bolder up a hill in hell with it rolling back down at the instant he reaches the top, only to have to do it again. Lather, rinse, repeat. A task he can never complete.
You want a life with this guy and to be accepted by his family. A family that has rejected you wholesale for 7 years while partying with his Xs. While he takes advantage of you.
Stop banging your head against this wall. You are not going to accomplish your goal with this guy while he is placating his shit family, servicing his baggage, and continually victimizing you while you let he and his family use you as he cries about you being his peace.
Where is your peace? Why do you tolerate this giant genetic cesspool of dysfunction and sacrifice yourself continuously to them all on the altar of SParental/3rd "wife" martyrdom?
Please, make better choices for yourself.
There is no possible way for you to live your best life in this situation. It just can't happen.
IMHO of course.
You owe yourself far more than this shit show. Take care of you.
That said, my blended family adventure has not included anything remotely like this. No invasions by any Xs, mine or DW's. No major rejections of either of us by the other's family. For sure not for DW. My family adores her and SS. Her family tried the rejection of me crap, but neither she nor I tolerated it so it has been transient and short lived when it does arrise.
I am so sorry you suffer all of this. I wish you didn't and I wish that your SO would actually step up, man up, and be worthy of you.
Only thing you can do
Is have that talk with SO. Telling him things are going to change.,,He either stop the BM, nonsense, keeping her out of your home. OR you are leaving. You will not live this way. And mean it. I would never allow the ex into my home. That's me, and I ment it . You need a life of your own X free. He has to start uber his food
Now SS15 is asking SO to go
Now SS15 is asking SO to go to the store. Apparently they don't have a peeler for the mangoes. SO says sure, we can run right to the store. I have a peeler at my house but i'm not saying sh!t. Let them go buy one. Fk the mangoes.
Isn't that called.... a knife?
Sounds like either another bullshit get daddy away from SM ploy, or pure ignorance. Probably both.
I don't know what it is. This
I don't know what it is. This woman had been to SO's house to pick up SS15 on last Thursday and Friday. Again on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday nights. SS stayed at her house those nights. Then she shows up Friday because she thought SO's house needed to have mangoes. I guess they peel the mangoes with a special peeler at her house and SS wanted SO to have the same kind at his house. She is married and has a lot of family of her own in town, so idk why she still hangs on to SO's house or his family.
SO thinks it's not a big deal. It's just mangoes. But it isn't about the mangoes. It's about this woman pushing boundaries and interfering at his house, even after SO texted both her and her husband saying these unannounced visits on his custody time need to stop. But SO only sent that text because *I* was upset. He's only upset now because *I* keep bitching about it. I don't think he ever cared one way or the other about BM's constant hanging around his house and cooking or her texting him 5 times a day and calling every morning and evening. I don't think he ever cared about her enmeshment with his family.
He just wants what he wants when he wants it. Food, sex, playing pool, and having his kids fed and taken care of. He doesn't care if it's me, BM1, BM2, or this apparently crazy other ex who's contacting his minor nieces on Facebook. He thinks all women are "just crazy" and apparently as long as we meet his needs, we are interchangeable, and he doesn't want to talk about anyone's feelings about it.
Am I crazy? Is it just the norm now to have these loosey-goosey "families" which include exes, exes kids other baby daddies, and everyone is just one big happy family? Maybe I am not cut out for this modern world of relationships. Maybe i missed the boat when i chose the wrong guy to marry and have kids with in my youth and didn't get the intact functional family that would make these babymamma/babydaddy things a non-issue.
Maybe my destiny is to live out the rest of my life single. It seems everyone single at my age has too much baggage for me to handle. I have worked so hard to manage my own baggage. I am truly over my previous relationships and wanted to start fresh with someone new. But i'm not "fresh" and neither is anyone else in my dating pool. My fear is that others will have similar issues and i will never be happy with any man. Maybe that's ok and it's just society that's conditioned me to think i need or should have a man. Financially, i don't. So why do i hang on?
Not the worst thing
Being without a guy isn't the worst thing in the world. Looking back on my own life, I was really happy after my ex left and before I started dating. My life was easy. I wasn’t even thinking about getting involved with someone until this really cute guy turned around at a football game and offered me his jacket because I was coughing my head off. And then the fun of a new relationship undid me. I did love my husband but it was never easy. His ex, his kids - always something. And then the guilt over being the one who ultimately gave him a choice - he could have his enmeshed relationship with his ex or he could have me, but definitely not both. And I really didn't like the angry person I became preceding the ultimatum. And, truthfully, I was angry after the ultimatum because I shouldn't have had to give it. My ex tried hard to intrude on my life, especially after I started dating, but I shut him down. Because, you see, I didn't want him in my life. And so there was always this kernel of doubt about why my DH hadn't done the same with his ex... and that pissed me off, too.
Your life sounds difficult with this guy in it. I get the impression - forgive me if I'm wrong - that he isn't quite the same caliber of person as you. And I think that's the reason he has so much "drama" aka trashy women in his life.
I think you deserve better. And sometimes better means living a life without a man in it.
"And so there was always this
"And so there was always this kernel of doubt about why my DH hadn't done the same with his ex... and that pissed me off, too."
Yes. It DOES piss me off. I think my SO would be perfectly happy to have me and every ex he ever had alternately serving his own needs and physically fighting with each other over him. He wouldn't care if we got hurt as long as his needs were met. "Ladies.....there's enough of me to go around!" I think the drama makes him feel like a big man.
But are all men secretly like this, some are just better at hiding it?
At one point
I realized that I was really good for his ego but mine wasn't getting the same stroking. It made me feel off balance. I wasn't used to feeling that way. Plus the cognitive dissonance between "I adore you, you're the best thing that ever happened to me, I can't imagine my life without you!" interlaced with "oh, wait, let me take this call from my ex in which she will expect me to say how high when she says jump and I will" was a bit much. It took me a long time to issue my ultimatum because I kept feeling I was the problem - like I shouldn't feel what I was feeling. I wish I had found ST years earlier. It was a revelation when I did.
It sounds like you go through that, too, as do many of the posters here on ST. I often wonder why men think it's perfectly okay to start a relationship when they're still involved with their ex. Are men just stupid or what?
"Are men just stupid or what?
"Are men just stupid or what?"
I'm not sure. I think they are definitely more selfish than we are. Which isn't disparaging men, as that's a big reason IMO why they tend to go farther than women and make more money (besides the whole childbearing/raising thing.)
Women are conditioned from birth to think that "selfish" is one of the worst things a person can be. We put up with a lot before finally putting our foot down (not all but many of us.) I think they just want what they want and will do whatever to get it until it's more painful for them to keep it up than to stop. You can tell them something is hurtful to you but until you make a big fuss and make them feel the pain, they keep doing what is easiest. At least in my current case and a lot of those on this site, and i hate the b!tch i have to become to make things change.
Pain and public humilation are very effective behavioral modifie
Pain and public humilation are very effective behavioral modifiers. Naming and shaming works.
I have always found that confronting a situation and effectively dealing with is far more difficult in our mind than it actually is to actual deal with it. Many of us stew on it and avoid it making ourselves miserable until we reach the end point and actually deal with it. It is rarely if ever as bad as we build it up in our minds to be.
I equate it to failing a class Vs making an A in the class. I have worked far harder failing a class than I ever did making an A in one.The, avoidance, anxiety and denial is overwhelming while just doing the work is never as as hard or complex as avoiding it is.
At least in my experience that is the case. Tearing the BandAid off of it gets it over with while tolerating crap behavior of Klingon Xs, etc, amplifies and extends the pain.
No. Not all of us are like this.
If I had to guess, and I am no expert, you have a Narc on your hands.
You are not crazy. Any
You are not crazy. Any therapist would tell you this is not normal. Believe that you will get in life what you deserve...and you deserve much better. My mom, in her 50s, met and married a widower who never had kids. Zero baggage. Her last 30 or so years were peaceful, comfortable, and happy for the most part.
On a positive note single
On a positive note single women live longer lives when they aren't being stressed tf out by the demands of their husbands, husbands exe wives, husbands kids, husbands meddling mom or other family, etc
Yep, and the "witches" living
Yep, and the "witches" living on the edge of the forest in the old days were just women who had learned how to live on their own without men. People thought there must be magic involved!
IMHO it is not about needing a partner. It is about mutual want.
That means that each is the sole top priority of the other. They progress together making their relationship and each other the priority above all else.. Unfortunately it seems to me that you and your SO are not progressing together because is has no balls and will not keep the trash in its place.
I think some people wallow in the pain so deeply that they do not have the courage to end it or are so oblivious to it that it makes no impression on them. Either way, unfortunately it is their new partner that suffers.
It was not a planned thing for either of us. However, 2mos after my divorce was final I sold my share of my company to my partners and left the state. A few months after HS graduation DW took her baby and left the state for university. She never returned to SpermLand to live.
When we moved back to the city where I had started my company, married, and divorced, we had zero interface with the circles I had been in while married to my X. We did run into my XILs a couple of times, but for damned sure the invitations to family gatherings and holiday celebrations were clearly refused and any follow up was completely ignored.
For me, I can engage in relationships knowing full well that I have zero interest in a long term thing with that person. I make it clear, we enjoy time together, and when I am done, I am done and if they are done, I do not turn into a Klingon.
However, if I am in, I am all in. The enjoy and move on and potential equity life partners are in two very different pools for me. I splash in one and when I am blessed with a wonderful partner, I am out of that pool. I was with my XW because my adultery RADAR was on the fritz. The depth of what my DW and I have together is intensly moving for me. I appear to the be the same for her. We just enjoy us.
Everyone has baggage. The question IMHO is, do people carry it and never deal with it, or do they unpack it and get rid of the crap. The people who unpack it and engage in getting on with their life can be incredibly fresh for themselves and a quality partner. The key is, not to mix our fresh with someone else's rotten baggage.
That your SO thinks that mangoes are the topic at hand is a clear indicator that he does not even realize that he has any baggage much less unpacked it and dealt with it.
Take care of you.