Baby Shower
Today was SD25's baby shower. It was thrown at the last minute by SO's sisters and was a dinner at a restaurant with gifts. I wasn't planning to attend (mostly because i wasn't invited but also because i just started a new job and also SO isn't really speaking to SD25.) Anyway, one of SO's sisters called yesterday to invite me and I was unexpectedly off work, so I went.
It was a nice dinner and SD25 was in good spirits. It was the aunties, a few cousins, and me. I got a nice gift and paid for a third of the food (it wasn't a very expensive place and it didn't break the bank and seemed the adult thing to do.) Mostly the convo was kept light but a few red flags appeared, besides the ones already present.
SD25 recently moved cities. She said she hasn't got a doctor in her current city, 3 hours from her previous doctor. She's 30 weeks along. She said she wants to have the baby at the hospital where she was born, which is.....here. When someone mentioned that it was too far from where she lives, she said she was thinking maybe she could stay with SO for the birth and after.
I called SO afterward and told him what she said. Idk if she will actually ask him if she can move in or not, but i wanted him to know the ask may be coming. He said "Does this mean that dude (the father, her alleged abuser and possible trafficker) will move in, too?" I said "idk." He said "Well, i can't keep a father from his child."
HOLD THE HELL UP. I didn't say this but what I want to say is that all he's done besides ejaculate is abuse her and allegedly sell her photos and videos to a porn site. That does not a "father" make. Idk what's going to happen, but it doesn't sound like SD25 is at all mentally ready for this baby. And it doesn't sound like SO is mentally ready to deal with any of this. Trouble is brewing.
ETA I'm being careful not to try to influence SO in any way. I know this baby is being born into a very at-risk situation. But i am deciding on my own boundaries and preparing to say i'm not going to be a babysitter or house anyone (though we stay together every night, I have my own place very close to his.)
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Good you have your own place!
Good you have your own place! What a nightmare! Omg is he seriously thinking of letting the whole circus move in? I'd rather gouge my eyes out with a pair of rusty scissors. Your SO is off his rocker.
Protect your peace.
Thank goodness
Thank goodness you've kept your own place. You can see which way this is going.
The thing is, I do feel
The thing is, I do feel selfish knowing i have a whole house when SD and the baby are facing possible homelessness. My kids each have a bedroom here, and they do use them when school is out, but the bedrooms are empty a lot of the year. BUT. I know myself and i know that moving the lot of them in won't solve their problems long-term and would create so many short term ones. BM2 still comes and goes from SO's house to get SS14 about 6 days out of every 14. Call me evil but that's 6 days too many for me. As long as the decisions are being driven by chaos and crisis, i'm holding my ground. Bah, Humbug I guess.
Please oh please @Rumple I
@Rumple I KNOW you realize this is not your problem but also try to get rid of the guilt. Quite literally the worst thing you could do is take down those boundaries and let these people who've treated you poorly IN. I realize you aren't going to do it. It's just the guilt- it bothers me that you even feel guilt. Quite literally...you've been treated as invisible and now they give you a last minute invite to the baby shower which you end up picking up the tab for...which is a little shabby on their part. Keep holding your ground and try to let go of the guilt.
Trust me, Rumple..and you
Trust me, Rumple..and you know I can relate. No matter how you feel or how gulity anyone tries to make you feel..do NOT let them move in. Skids and Family overall is usually the worst from my personal experience, because they are just the one who will always expect it and will just stay as long as they wish..and will never leave unless you have to kick them out. Been part of that rodeo before..and never again. That is a hill to die on if anything.
Update - this morning, he
Update - this morning, he actually said "Since I can't separate a man from his child, maybe I could give them (SD and the abuser and baby) the master bedroom and bathroom at my house and move in with you." Leaving SS14 and SS20 to live with the happy family. I said no (ok, hell no) and listed the many reasons, the main being that SS14 should not have to live with drugs/violence/a newborn, and that his BM would welcome a reason to file another ex-parte. I was afraid SO would then ask if he could bring SS14 with him, but he didn't (sorry, not dealing with BM2 at MY house, i would rather the rusty scissors.)
TBH i think the "can't separate a man from his child" is a way, in SO's mind, to make it easier for him to say no to her moving in. Since they are a "package deal", there simply isn't enough room for all of them. Whatever the rationalization, as of now, SO is planning to not allow her to move back in.
You are a smart woman~!
You are a smart woman~!
Also came back to add, I
Also came back to add, I joined this site almost 5 years ago when i realized the situation i was dealing with was beyond what i could handle. Before that, if something like this had happened, i would have jumped into "we can handle anything together/rescue" mode. It likely would have ended in disaster after years of drama. This site has taught me about setting and enforcing boundaries, and about dealing with personality disordered people and families. For that, I am grateful.
Love this @Rumple- same here.
Love this @Rumple- same here. The people, their wisdom and expertise on this site is what saved me too. Boundaries is what it's all about. You're doing a great job- try to throw the guilt away...this is one thing you could do for yourself, a great holiday present.
"SS14 should not have to live
"SS14 should not have to live with drugs/violence/a newborn" .... good reason!
SD and the baby daddy were old enough to have a child and play house, they can work out their own living arrangements!
Trouble is definitely brewing... for your SO. Hopefully he will put his foot down and tell her she needs to find somewhere else to go.
LI said she wants to have a kid "eventually" but that "(she) needs money first...." I almost spit out my drink when I yelled/said "Yes you dooooo!" Having kids comes AFTER good job, secure housing and stable relationship!
SD25 reminds me a lot of LI,
SD25 reminds me a lot of LI, with the lying and the stories that don't make sense and lack detail. My SO was like yours until it became so apparent his daughters were basket cases that he could no longer deny it. I think it's coming for LI. She can't keep up the ruse forever.
You know, the more i think about it, the more i think maybe personality disorders can run in families, and the whole family is infected to some degree. They become so accustomed to living crisis to crisis that living in peace becomes impossible for them. Idk how functional your DH's family of origin is, but my SO's whole family has issues. I know they went through hardship due to war in their home country. Maybe the patterns of behavior stem from that. I empathize. I do. But i now know i cannot fix it for them. The few times i tried ended badly. All i can do is separate my peace from that chaos.
" Having kids comes AFTER
" Having kids comes AFTER good job, secure housing and stable relationship! "
That is something that stable people who live in reality, not delusional fanstasy land, understand, rather than having kids on purpose with poor excuses of a sperm donor, knowing full well that its not the best idea. But do it anyway since these skids cant see past their own stupid ideas.
So uncanny how so many SKIDS, aside from my kids dont grasp that very reasonable order of things. But we all know that is asking too much, because stepworld is The Upside Down...where nothing makes sense, since everything is ass backwards soI dont expect anything else.
Time to use unfair means, i.e
Time to use unfair means, i.e. brute reason. Can he afford to run his home wile paying for two extra adults plus a baby (and goodness knows, babies are expensive!). Remind him how much basic equipment a baby needs and that SD and her hanger-on don't have the means to pay for it so whose feet will that bill fall at? If he insists he will find a way to work it all out, deliver the coup de grace:
"and how many things will SS have to do without? How much of his teen years will go down the drain because he couldn't participate in the same things as his friends (sports, etc.)? How fair is that on him? Besides having to live with constant noise, violence, drugs, and so on... How can he be expected to live a normal teen life with all that going on in such a small space? Even getting his homework done in such chaos will be an exploit! SD had her teen years, now it's her brother's turn. Fair's fair."
Yeah, I told SO that if this
Yeah, I told SO that if this happens, BM2 may use it to get full custody like she tried to do a few years ago. And she would be right to do it this time.
Heck no that man should not
Heck no that man should not move in... Not even a question to even consider. Hill to die on.
Hell To The No
You cannot leave a minor with a violent man in the home. Think CPS among other problems. Moving into your home? Nah. You darn well know your home would be constantly invaded by the SD and crew. Your DH is going to be asked to babysit and then your stuck with it, also. Is there any plan on how long they will be there? I'm thinking, once in...never leaving.
Please take care of you and don't feel guilty about not wanting them in your home. They are adults making bad decisions. This is on your SD to get her life together and stop having people bail her out. She is the one who chose to get pregnant.
As for your SO and what he does, I'd leave him to figure it out. Thankfully, you have your own place. I'd let him visit but he would not move in, bringing all that drama into your personal space. He visits, then goes home to deal with his mess. Actually might be a good thing to wake him up. SMH
It always amazes me
The people that are most unfit for Parenthood are the ones that can breed like rabbits.
SD's behavior and poor choices won't change...all you have to do is go to YouTube and watch the channel Court Nerds. Bad choices, wash, rinse, repeat.
Hi. You said in the original
Hi. You said in the original post that SD recently moved cities. So, she's got a place somewhere in her new city?
If so, she can just stay in THAT place and have the baby at a local hospital.
To me, this crap about wanting to give birth in the hospital where she was born is just a ruse to facilitate moving in to your SO's house.
Haha let him deal with his loser offspring and don't for a minute feel guilty about any of this. It's NOT your problem.
Have a good Christmas!
SD25 is living with the
SD25 is living with the boyfriend in a house with a group of other people. I think it's like a lot of roommates but they are paying rent to someone (not squatting at least i don't think.) SD has been there 2 months and still hasn't got a doctor there. 30 weeks along. The thing about her current situation is that the people she lives with likely do drugs. After all, they are friends with her. In any case, though, I think her mom (BM1) is willing to take her in or at least help her get settled in her state. The boyfriend works in a restaurant kitchen and they have those in every city. I really hope she goes.
Great plan
Give SD and BM full use of his home. And he will be homeless... great thinking on DH part. And her BF and Tom ...dick.. harry moving 8n right behind SD. Dysfunction at its best
I know, right? I was all "Don
I know, right? I was all "Don't interfere or try to influence him..." when i thought the worst idea he would have was to have SD and the baby move in. With him. I hadn't considered he might come up with an even worse idea!