I swear I'm psychic when it comes to my BM.........
Yesterday, before my SD8 and SD9 were going to be picked up by BM, we were going through their book bags and the girls had forms for Room Moms. They had both asked me to be a room mom at the beginning of school and I told them I would. I was Room Mom for my kids when they were in grade school, I was also PTA treasurer, and I volunteered at the school library. I enjoy that kind of thing. I also want to meet some of the other parents and I want to know their teacher and I want their teachers to know me. BM has never volunteered for anything at their school even though she didn't work for the past four years. I have a very flexible job and BM just got a job (I think it's her 117th job in the past 10 years, but who's counting?)and she doesn't have any flexibility with this job. (she'll quit in a couple months, anyway) So, anyway, I filled the papers for both girls and sent them on their way with the forms in their book bags. I could have kept them here until Tuesday (our day) and had the kids take them to school on Wednesday, but a part of me wanted BM to know that I am more dedicated to her children than she has ever been or ever will be (childish? I don't give a flying f##k.) Well, after they left, I told FH (here comes the psychic part!) that I bet somehow, someway those papers will never reach the school and FH said BM will never even look in their book bags anyway, so it's probably fine.
Well, FH called the girls tonight (a few minutes ago) and during their conversation he asked the girls if they had turned the papers in and SD8 told him that their mother "accidentally" threw the papers away with some of their other papers and then "leftover supper" went in on top of the papers and everything got ruined. BM even got on the phone and tried to tell FH the same thing and then she says that she's planning on being a room mom too and FH said "well, that's great, why don't you have the girls bring home extra forms for you to fill out and (insert me here) will just call Tammy (she's the head of the room moms) and let her know that she's available as a room mom too. BM says "who's Tammy" and FH tells her who she is and that I went to high school with Tammy's husband and they're also both clients of mine who I speak to and see on a fairly regular basis.
Talk about predictable!! This isn't the first instance that I have been able to predict my BM's actions. Do you ladies find your BMs this predictable?
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Comments
I think....
I think that it's not really your place to volunteer as skids classroom mom. Do you have kids? Put yourself in bm's shoes and honestly think about how that would make you feel. Clearly bm is lacking, as a mother, a partner, an employee and I'm sure in other areas as well... But do you really need to come in and buddy up to everyone her child's school and rub it in her face? You said you sent the completed papers to bm's house on purpose so it seems you are just trying to hurt bm and that's just mean. I get where you're comming from because the bm in my last marriage sounds EXACTLY like yous... And I too volunteered for stuff like field trips... Bm NEVER volunteered for even one thing... That is until I did! Then she was suddenly Little Miss PTSA....gag.... But now that I'm out of that mess and I can reflect I really don't feel it was my place. Regardless of what we may think of bm she is still their mom and she always will be... The kids will figure her out for themselves. I wish I had put more energy into my own kids rather than trying to make up for my skids severly lacking bm.
I agree
If nothing else it pushed the bm to step up and do the right thing finally by her kids. look @ it as psychology 101. these bio moms need to step up anyway:)I would'nt feel bad @ all As Martha Stewart says it's a good thing. You know step moms really do have powers they do not even realize he he he!!!!!!
Not my place? (response to "conflicted")
First of all, my children are grown up. My youngest is a sophomore in High School and there's not much volunteering by parents at that level, except decorating for dances, which I have done for all my kids for years.
Second, if BM wanted to volunteer, she could have filled out the forms way before now. She got the forms at Open House three or more weeks ago. The girls have been carrying these forms around ever since. They kept asking me and asking me and I kept saying we'll see. I did all the volunteering in the world when my kids were young and I loved it. I loved getting to meet all their friends and friends' parents and their teachers. And I want them to know that I am a member of the family and not just another girlfriend. BM says she can't volunteer because of her job. She misses at least one day every other week, from being hungover. In the last three years, she has never volunteered. She just got this last job in May.
You know, it is hard when your skids ask you to do something and the BM inside me tries to put myself in "her" shoes. I'm sure she has hurt feelings sometimes. That's the life of a divorced woman with children - that's life period. But, when I tell the kids that I can't do something for/with them and it's all because I'm trying not to hurt BM's feelings - that's not fair to the girls either. I would gladly step back and let BM be the MOM - but she does not and will not - so I will be. That IS my place.
Welllll....
I can definately see your point.... didn't really think about it from that perspective.... I was more responding to your comment:
"I filled the papers for both girls and sent them on their way with the forms in their book bags. I could have kept them here until Tuesday (our day) and had the kids take them to school on Wednesday, but a part of me wanted BM to know that I am more dedicated to her children than she has ever been or ever will be (childish? I don't give a flying f##k.)"
Based on that comment it did not sound to me like you were doing this for the girls.... I also must have missed the part where they aked you to volunteer (sorry about that).
All I'm saying is that its great that you can and are there for the girls.... but you don't need to rub it in bm's face and act like you are 'better' than her. All that does is lead to hurt feelings and resentment and if the girls get the impression that you are only volunteering to hurt their mom then that would hurt them as well.
If I was wrong on how I took your original post than I apologize, but I was basing my response off of what you wrote.
I appreciate that, and it's hard.........
within this forum to sincerely convey someone's experiences and feelings. I have had to put up with an awful lot of crap from BM. We used to be friends, or "friendly" anyway. I did not want that dynamic to change. I tried and tried and she just got worse and worse. I can't explain it or describe it very well. If I could explain/describe it, then maybe I could understand it. Those girls asked me to be Room mom last year and I opted not to for fear of "hurting" BM's feelings. I was fairly new in the relationship then. I have since realized that BM has chosen to not be involved in her childrens' lives, only minimally. Well, I am not a minimal kind of person anywhere! I am ALL IN.
******My daddy always said: "It's better to be a SMARTASS, than a DUMBASS!******
You sound like a great....
You sound like a great sm... the girls are lucky to have someone like you who can and will step up when bm chooses not to. Now that I understand your perspective, the fact that the girls asked you to volunteeer, the fact that bm choose not to complete the paperwork to volunteer herself, the fact that you opted out last year in fear of hurting bm.... Clearly you do have every right to step up and be there for them this year! Again, they are very lucky to have you!