I've seen the term disengagement on this site alot but haven't come across a good description of what it is and how to do it? My FDH has a 16mo old daughter and we have a 7mo old son together (yes i know that will raise questions about how that happened refer to my first blog entry). Anyway- FDH expects me to love his daughter as if she was my own child but i just cant. She is already well on her way to being a spoiled brat. Doesnt listen to a damn thing. Will scream so loud you literally feel your ears hurt. Screams to the point of vomitting for nothing at all or whenever she is told no or FDH walks even five feet away from her! Look i know shes young i don't expect perfection and I know that 99 percent of her behavior is her parents fault not hers. But i am losing my mind! WTF do i do? It causes so many arguements between FDH and I but when SD is gone its pretty peaceful and we have other issues like dealing with an absolutely psychotic BM who wont move the hell on even tho she has a live in boyfriend w/two kids of his own. BM actually has the balls to call FDH and bitch about her boyfriends ex wife calling and harrassing THEM on a daily basis...its like HELLO thats what your doing to us you nutty bitch!

I don't know what to do anymore. I desperately love this man and know he loves me but he's used to getting his way and i'm just not the type of woman to "bow down" to her man on every issue. I have an opinion and mind of my own thank you very much. I posted before about our issues w/the BM contacting FDH way to much for totally unnecesarry reasons and the problems it causes with us. I talked to him about going back to court and get the CO changed so that it was more specific as to when we have the SD. Not that i relish the idea of having to deal w/the little monster 3 days a week alone while he's at work but if it would get the BM out of our lives i could handle it. He seemed supportive of the idea at first but I could tell it wasn't genuine. We ended up in an arguement over it where he blurted out that he doesn't trust me to watch his daughter. Not those exact words but that was the meaning. I was floored.

I was good enough to watch her when she was three months old so he could go to the bar and smoke weed w/the BM. I was good enough to watch her anytime he wanted to go out and do anything. After the bar and ex incident I refused to watch SD. Told FDH that if he got his daughter then he was to be home w/her and I was no longer going to be used as a live in babysitter and to not even expect me to watch her so he can run to the store. I was furious over the bar/weed incident and thats what brought that ultimatum about.

As time passed and i became pregnant I relaxed a little about that incident. (after much apologizing and begging and admitted how stupid he was naturally) and i would watch her occasionally. My last trimester was horrible. I was hospitilized 3 times w/kidney stones. The pain was unbearable (although NOTHING compared to my labor). I'm a very small woman and the extra 20 pounds on me really wore me down and i was exhausted all the time so i stopped getting up in the middle of the night w/SD then too so i could actually rest. It kinda went back to where I wasnt watching her or doing much because I was so physically exhausted from pregnancy.

After i had my lovely son I REALLY didn't do much w/SD. I was caught up in being a new mom and taking care of a newborn around the clock w/very little help. FDH has gotten up at night w/our son 3 times in 7months! He has never even given our son a bath for gods sake. We can't afford daycare and i have no available family to babysit so i stay at home w/son. The job i had before didn't pay enough after babysitting costs to even make it worth going to so FDH suggested i just stay home. I love being w/my son through this wonderful stage of his life but as any mom knows it can get overwhelming and your exhausted a lot. So the last thing I want on a friday night after a week of getting less than 4-6 hours of sleep, keeping up a house, making meals, and caring for my son is to be informed that oh yippy SD is coming to stay all weekend. So on top of everything else I have a screaming toddler to deal w/too!

I'm beginning to ramble so i'll wrap this up. I just have no one to talk/vent to about this. Is it really that odd that its impossible for me to feel the same love for SD that i have for my son? Is FDH right to expect that love for her out of me or is he in the wrong? And if someone could tell me what exactly disengagement is and how to apply it i would really appreciate that! thx all