New here. I could def use any advice on how to handle this BM situation
I have a strange situation. I met my FH about 4yrs ago. We had a fling and i didn't know until the next morning he had a long term g/f. They didn't live together anymore had major relationship issues and it was an on/off thing for a long time. We stayed in contact even tho I dated others and he stayed with her. We continued to sleep together occasionally (awful i know). So fast forward. I hadnt heard from FH in months was in a committed relationship of my own but that was on the rocks. FH calls to tell me his g/f (same one) is pregnant and doesn't know who the father is. She had been cheating w/at least 3 other men. He broke up w/her for good. We started to see each other casually. He was hurt so was guarded, me on the other hand had been in love w/him for years and definetly wanted something more committed. We stayed together got more serious and I moved in. When his ex had the baby in september of 09 he along w/a few others went to be paternity tested. The same day I discovered I was pregnant w/his child. As fate would have it the ex's baby girl turned out to be his. So i at this time have a 17mo SD and a 7mo old biological son who i absolutely adore. My SD is also close to my heart as I've been involved w/her since she was 3mo old BM wouldn't let her come to our house before then because she didn't like me. Thru out her entire pregnancy she would call text show up crying basically doing everything in her power to get my FH back all to no avail. When Bm discovered i was prego w/his child she really flipped and it got worse.
I will go more in depth later cuz there is much more background but I wanted to get to what i need help with now. BM continues to call, text my FH DAILY. Most days she pry talks/txts to him more than FH and I communicate. It can range from her just calling to talk about her day to yet another thing their daughter has done. He's told her repeatedly that he doesn't want to hear from her unless it involves their child which i can deal with that but seriosly do you have to txt him 15 times a day about the child picking the dogs nose etc etc etc.
BM imho still seems to think/carry on as if her and my Fh are still a couple and it is making me crazy and causing many arguements between me and FH. he normally gets mad when i complain about it and says "I've told her to stop a 100 times what else do you want me to do?" I feel stupid because i don't know what to say to that i really don't have the answer but i feel like he could do more or be more forceful. I've read on here about a Parenting Journal or only communicating thru a shared email account and to me that sounds perfect but im afraid to say that to him and him say i'm being "crazy" (thats a favorite statement from him).
I know FH thinks i just need to "get over it" and that I'm being petty but I really don't think I can continue to live like this. I feel like our relationship is not ours. BM and their past is also the big elephant in the room. I'm depressed and at my wits end. HELP ME PLEASE. Am i going to far in bringing up the parenting journal or the email thing??? Any advice at all will be very welcome!!!
- Ryleysmama's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I hate to be the one to say
I hate to be the one to say it, but even if I don't someone else will. Your relationship with your FH started out in a lie. Are you even sure that BM was cheating or is that what your FH told you? Seems funny to me that BM was sleeping with 4 men and your FH just happened to win the Russian Roulette paternity game?
At any rate, on to your question. It does sound like BM is overstepping but it also sounds like your FH is entertaining her. Why does her answer her every call and text? Why can't he let her calls go to VM and only respond to a text if it is important? How often does your FH get to see SD? If he only gets to see her EOWE then maybe he truly does want to hear about how she picked the dogs nose. Unfortunately until your SD gets quite a bit older, the only way for him to know what is going on with her is through BM.
Yes i do know for a fact she
Yes i do know for a fact she was cheating we live in a VERY small town so it was common knowledge. On top of that she admitted it. As far as seeing his daughter the CO states he gets her for i think 80 or 90 overnights per year but it doesn't specify what days. they tend to trade off whenever its convienent. FH works alot and its hard on me having a young baby to also watch his child at the same time so if SD comes over its when FH will be there all day/all night then she is dropped off by FH when he leaves for work.
I don't think you are being
I don't think you are being petty. Why should you have to share your life and SO with the ex? She obviously hasn't moved onto any new relationships of her own if she's still holding on so strong -- and any boyfriend she might acquire would certainly go running for the hills once he found out how much she contacted her ex, regardless of the fact that he's the father of her child.
Funny because I know someone in your EXACT situation, however the ex is the opposite extreme -- won't let the guy see his kid and won't keep him updated or in the loop on ANYTHING.
I guess my question is, does he have a court order/stipulation drawn up? If he doesn't it might be time to do so. I know some people on here have specific wording in theirs that have restrictions on the amount of communication to be had.
One option would be to block her number and have her communicate via email or through your phone number in an emergency/need-to-know situation. I know others on here do that when dealing with this type of BM also. He also should NOT be communicating or texting back to her EVER about things that he doesn't need to be. If he's honest and has truly told her flat-out that she is crossing the line and she's just seriously not "getting it" then more drastic measures should be taking place.
One more little personal thing: my mom started emailing my dad a few years back. My dad is happily remarried. My mom's excuse was that she was just discussing my sister's wedding (and saying that she has a right to talk to the father of her child, blah blah). My dad actually wrote her an email that explained that it is not fair to his current wife to be communicating with her. If she wishes to talk about something very important that she should call him between this and this hour (basically when my SM is home too) and that he will no longer communicate via email with her. I think my Dad was very straightforward, and it crushed my mom (who WAS trying to cultivate something again) but she stopped all unnecessary communication.
He's gotta find a way to be MORE authoritative about WHERE the boundary is and calling her out on it when she crosses it.
from reading his texts back
from reading his texts back and listening to the phone calls he only responds what is absolutely necessarry and that still does not deter her. oh and yes she does have a new live in boyfriend who also has two children of his own. i believe they are 6 and 8. I dont really know the guy but he seems very passive and to think he's got something real "special" in the BM.
There are guys who get off on
There are guys who get off on the drama of two women "fighting" over them. Sickening but true.
We use the Parents Journal. Or at least we do whenever BM deigns to have it leave her house. (CO says it's to go back & forth for each visit).
You (or BF) can block BM from texting.
But it will be hard for you to MAKE him do this if he doesn't want to. And it's hard to enforce boundaries when your relationship started because of the lack of respect for others' boundaries (not accusing you in anyway, BTW).
Wow, those kids are only 10
Wow, those kids are only 10 months apart, from different mothers, and all of the adults in this picture seem to have issues sleeping around, apparently without birth control. I'm really trying to find something hopeful or positive to say to you, but damn girl, this is messed up.
You need to focus on your child. To be honest, I'd cut the guy loose. Yea you seem to be crazy about him, but cmon, you KNOW this isn't going to end well. What makes you think he isn't cheating on you with her the way he cheated on her with you? And if he did, what would you do about it? Ugh, just walk away from this mess and this drama and save yourself the heartache and give your kid the chance to have a decent childhood.
to clarify- in BM's case she
to clarify- in BM's case she purposelly went of birth control to "regulate her system". In my case I was on the Nuva ring because i honestly never wanted kids. Now that i have my son i can't believe i used to think that way because he is truly an angel. so heads up to everyone on nuva ring. I used it correctly and never messed up but still got pregnant!
I appreciate everyone taking
I appreciate everyone taking the time to comment. Even tho some comments are hard to swallow its all appreciated. I'm determined to see this relationship through. I really believe that Fh is not a bad guy and we were all very young and dumb when this started (me 21) them (25). Not an excuse but you know how life can be when young w/no responsibilities!
"You know how life can be
"You know how life can be when you're young with no responsibilities"
?????????????????????
I guess....poor excuse. Anyhow, you do now have a responsibility. Your baby. No matter how much you love this guy, he sounds like a selfish prick. Are you really gonna put your baby through all the drama? Its probably not going to get any better.
I'm sorry, my comment was
I'm sorry, my comment was harsh.
I just get angry when I see women letting men treat them the way you are letting your boyfriend treat you. I personally would never put up with it. Ever. He is treating you badly, whether you see it or not. I wish I could be you for a month. I would have his ass turned around so quick. Please, for your own sanity stand up for yourself.
IF she is his ex, and IF he
IF she is his ex, and IF he isn't happy with her behavior, then he's the one who has to step up and stop letting her lead the relationship. She calls and texts because HE allows for it. It bothers you, you have obviously explained that to him, so now HE has to make a decision. A life with you minus the ex OR ???? It really is that simple.
You're not being petty. It isn't unreasonable to expect that any contact with her, be 'only when necessary.' Meaning- ABOUT THE CHILD. And no, I don't mean what the child ate for lunch today. I mean if she ingested some kind of caustic substance with her lunch, that is important.
The key thing to remember.... HE has to set boundaries. You can't do it for him. If he refuses to do that, then you have a choice to make. What CAN you live with and what WON'T you live with. If he does set boundaries and she sh*ts all over them, HE has to deal with that issue swiftly. There are some BM's who simply MUST be taught their place. His standing firm will do just that.
I really appreciated your
I really appreciated your comment. I notice that my post seemed to bring out some of the other posters high horses. Nobodies perfect and it is what it is. I was under the impression this sight was to help and give advice to people about their relationships w/step kids and biological moms not sit in moral judgement of what put us here in the first place. I know what i did wrong and don't need others to point it out for me. If some people get their rocks off by sitting in judgement of others then they don't need to comment. Thanks!!!
Also Ryleysmama, you need to
Also Ryleysmama, you need to think about you and your own child first. It sounds like BM is NOT going to give up because as you said throughout their relationship it was On again/off again. She is probably thinking this is the off again. He may be too. It also sounds to me like these two have some very unfinished business. You are young. You have your whole life ahead of you. Do you really want all of this drama for the rest of your life?
As long as I've known FH it
As long as I've known FH it was apparent he was unhappy in his relationship with BM. They had been high school sweethearts purchased a house together. Got a business loan for him together, bought cars together. Tied to each other in many ways. She has severe mental problems that didn't surface until the last 2 years of their relationship. He said there were "sighs" earlier but he didn't see it for what it was. She is severely bipolar and god knows what else. When she was pregnant for SD she took her nutcase meds even though Doctor said it was risky for the child. She was seen visibly drunk numerous times in the pregnancy even as late as 8mos. Twice during the pregnancy she was involuntarily committed to the psych ward for testing positive for weed and threatning to kill herself and the unborn baby. And thats just the stuff we know about, there could be much more. SD also had a grand mal seizure seconds after birth and had to be rushed to a neonatal hospital. Thats all we know about it and have never been given anymore info about it.
The reason that i believe FH is completely over/done with BM is just his actions since she told him about being pregnant and not knowing who the father was. No matter what she did or extremes she went to he never waivered and took her back (this was even before we started to see each other again). I've snooped and read texts between them where she is giving her all to suck him back into her life and from day 1 he has done nothing but repeatedly tell her its over he's moved on he loves me and doesn't want to hear anything from/about her or her life unless it has to do w/their child.
I'm a nosy little witch and i have never seen/heard so much as a whiff of him implying to her that he wanted anything to do with her ever again. I glossed over much of our history in my original post simply becuz i wanted to get to my dilemma. I see i've made it sound as if for four straight years FH and I were sleeping together behind our SO's backs. Not to say that it never happened but months sometimes even a full year would go by w/no contact between us. When we met something just clicked like we just knew we were supposed to be together and i have no good reason for why we didn't just dump the "others" and get on w/it. Actually i was single when i met him but whatever. I tried to move on once i realized he wasn't ready to let go of his relationship but i could never truly get over him.
Its been a long bumpy road since i moved in with him. We've had trust issues (obviously!) and other things but we have worked thru them all together. The biggest problem our relationship faces is this constant assault from the BM. And also worrying to death about how she is with her daughter. SD is an innocent in all of this and it breaks my heart to know shes dealing with a very unstable mother everyday, so i really feel i need to step up and be something solid for her in a world of chaos.
P.S.- Talked to FH about
P.S.- Talked to FH about doing the shared email acct and telling BM that that is the only way she is allowed to contact us unless it is an absolute emergency and he is all for doing it! I'm sure it will come down to us having to get a CO to make her follow thru but FH said he's prepared for that. I can't thank you ladies enough. This website is a lifesaver!
YAY! I'm glad that you were
YAY! I'm glad that you were able to talk to him about this and come up with a solution. I think as long as he stays consistent (keep reminding BM that it is the only way he'll communicate) that is the perfect solution.
FH IS ENABLING THE CRAZY
FH IS ENABLING THE CRAZY BIOTCH!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is all on him Ryley. At least in my opinion.
He can tell her all day long that he only wants to speak with her about thinds dealing directly with their joint child but when he answers the phone or responds to her texts he is rewarding her for doing what he is telling her he does not want her to do.
He needs to stop responding to her texts and let every call go to voice mail. He should check the voice mails only once or twice a day.
I would set this expectation and let him know that if he does not that this will be a major bone of contention in your marriage and he will be allowing his X to interfere and jeopardize your marriage and your family.
We learned over the years to no answer the phone if SpermGrandMa was calling. We never really had much to deal with as far as my SS's SpermIdiot was concerned. He called less than 10x during the 16yrs that my wife and I have been married and while my SS was under the Custody/Visitation/Support order. The SpermIdiot did pull my SS in to trying to ascertain if "your mom still loves me" but even my SS knew the answer to that crap even when he was a small child. "No Daddy (first name), mommy loves my dad and they are married."
This of course just chapped the SpermIdiot's ass but he never got any reward for his stupid attempts at trying to figure out if he could get the time of day from my wife.
Never mind: I just saw in the above responses that FDH seems to understand the situation.
Congrats on your baby and pending nuptials.
Best regards,