Two steps forward, one step back…
After 2 weeks if no contact, SS30 called DH last night. When DH aswered SS was all "hey pops, how are you?". Like NOTHING happened. They "chatted" about work and then DH told him he wanted to meet him for dinner because they "have to talk about some things". DH sees this as progress. He's still riding high on his successful boundary-communicating with his uncle, and he says he feels strong enough now to have a similar conversation with Little Lord Fauntleroy. I was (and am) furious. DH has already told LLF that he can't be rude to me. That boundary has already been communicated. And, IMO, should have been the only topic of conversation. DH's therapist just told him that he shouldn't even try to reconnect with anyone in the family until he has figured out what his own boundaries are (because currently it's my boundaries that he's trying to enforce) and how to actually set and enforce boundaries. DH has an appointment with the therapist tomorrow and he thinks he'll get strategies to help him with talking to LLF. I'm hoping the therapist will tell him that it was a mistake schedule the dinner.
I feel ridiculous saying this, but I have PTSD related to this situation, and now I'm going to spend the next 5 days with this anxiety. I know DH is trying and that he's made a lot of progress, so I feel badly for being angry at him. At the same time, my patience with this situation and DH's learning curve is nonexistent. And, if I'm being honest, I'm losing respect for him.
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He hasn’t earned respect.
Take care of you.
I'm not surprised one bit. If
I'm not surprised one bit. If he had healthy boundaries and a normal family in the first place , this wouldn't be happening. He has a lot to overcome and understand about himself and his family. Rushing to get past it all is a common mistake to make along the healing journey. This too will burn them all and he will have to retreat. Hopefully he's smart and will realize that there is no quick fix to this and he will have to take it one day at a time to get to healing.
That said, you have every right to put your own boundaries in place to protect yourself from this situation. I avoided my in-laws for a few years , until they respected me. I let DH handle them alone. Holidays, birthdays, you name it, I stayed away. It really was his problem to figure out. Now I involve myself when I feel like it. But that took time.
I don't envy your situation, it's a hard place to be. But remember it's his baggage to handle and protect your marriage from. That much you can demand. Protection from the drama. Elevation of your marriage first and foremost.
Thabk you Survivingstephell.
Thank you Survivingstephell. It's a long road. When you say your DH handles (handled) holidays with your inlaws without you, where did that leave you? Did he spend the actual day with you and see his family on a different day? Or did you and your DH spend the holidays apart? I can't help but feel that if DH's family doesn't change (and they won't) and he has a relationship with them that doesn't include me, then we're not truly sharing our lives. Not to mention, he's spending time with people who have treated me terribly. How do you get over that part? Or did you?
I did not get offended. It
I did not get offended. It was his lesson to learn and he had to learn it if he wanted to be with me. Christmas was always in the afternoon with them and I sent him with our bio. I enjoyed some peace and quiet after all the prep work for Xmas Eve and Xmas morning. It really matters on how YOU think about it. I focused on me and making the time worthwhile for ME. I was free from drama. DH would come home and tell me I was missed and blah blah. That he wished I would go with him and I just shrugged my shoulders and reminded him of how we ended up at that point. His inability to stand up to his family and make them respect him was the main problem. He got there. By himself. He also was able to eventually share just how rotten his marriage was to HCBM and that really made a difference. MIL frequently tells me how happy DH is and how good we are together.
Im all for a couple sticking together, but with a toxic sh/t show like you have and I had, letting DH learn to handle it on his own was the best way to get thru it. DH also had a great therapist to work with. Sticking together made it worse. For me. Nobody else is looking out for me and I had 4 bios to raise and they needed me. So I put me first. Only you can read your situation but this is what worked for me. We just celebrated 18 years together earlier this year. Longer than our first marriages.
The weird thing in my
The weird thing in my situation is that the inlaws loved me for 11 years. Or so they said. I now feel like that was love bombing. They would go on and on about what a great step mother I was and how happy DH was with me. But as soon as I didn't play the part they'd written me, it was over. Christmas is a big deal for me. My bios spend the morning with us and the afternoon with their father. I don't think I could take staying home by myself while DH spends the day with people who are horrible to me. I'm glad you figured it out and were able to find a silver lining.
Oh, so SS wants to rugsweep.
Oh, so SS wants to rugsweep. And you worry that your husband will pick up the rug while SS holds the broom. I don't blame you for being angry and anxious. I would be too. He isn't ready. If he does address anything at this meet up, it's probably not going to go well. SS may spew out some pretty word salad and your husband will then tell you everything is good and expect you to go around these people. Or he'll spew out some ugly word salad and your husband will be shattered. Bad, bad idea. Either way, it's a good idea for you to sit this one out if he tries to drag you along.
Yup, Petspoiler, that's been
Yup, Petspoiler, that's been the pattern. Usually SS gets contrite and promises to be repectful moving forward. But that never comes with any apology or remorse from him and never lasts.
Have DH record the meeting.
You may be able to record your own conversations with anyone without telling them.
The one party consent states include Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, Colorado, Connecticut, District of Columbia, Georgia, Hawaii, Idaho, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Nebraska, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, West Virginia, Wisconsin, and Wyoming.
One Party Consent States 2023 - Wisevoter
We recorded every call from the SpermClan. They loved hearing their shreaking rants played in court after claiming what we said they had done never happened.
We're in Canada and we have
We're in Canada and we have one party consent as well. I'm not sure how I would feel about him recording the conversation though.
Ugh
Rug sweeping. I've lived with that for years. It's how DH and his kids operate. The stories I could tell you that he just "let go" and continues on.
In your DHs defense, he is trying...more than many of us can say. Yet I also get your stance...those 5 days of anxiety (hello, fellow anxiety suffering sister).
In my world, I had to "find" my defense and take it for what it was worth. That last ordeal, where DHs "queens" came to our home and the younger began her "yelling" fest at me was my tipping point. And DH knew it. HE told them to leave and NOT come back. While he is still in relation with all of them, he keeps them FAR away from me. I've also been CLEAR with DH..."I do not want to hear one damn thing about your kids and what they "want" from me or even what YOU "want" from me. Your kids are all adults. If they ever see the need to make amends, they will come directly to ME...not you." With that said, my future will be free of StepHell drama because not one of those five individuals have the ability to make amends or apologize for their shit behaviors.
Stand strong on your boundaries, Sadie. Your DH needs to tighten up his boundaries.
Sending your a virtual hug.
Thank you CajunMom. I so
Thank you CajunMom. I so appreciate your insights and experience. DH and I have had two long conversations about the purpose of his dinner with SS30 and I do feel like he knows what he needs to do. He also acknowledged that he shouldn't have answered the phone when SS called and should have taken some time to process how he wanted to handle it when he returned the call. DH also said that SS sounded nervous, like he wasn't sure what kind of reception he would get from DH which is a good sign because my Skids have always assumed that their dad would take any amount of BS they threw at him. I'm going to try to trust DH to handle the conversation. And I'm taking your lead. I told DH that I'm open to a relationship with SS, but I'm not chasing it and I'm not accepting any more bad behaviour. If SS wants a relationship with me (which he'll need to have to regain his previous level of contact with DH), he knows where to find me. If not, that's fine too, but he'll be the one to lose out. DH won't be attending gatherings I'm not welcome at.