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Wanting to vent....

Shadow79's picture

My SO and I have been together about 2 1/2 years. We have been living together for just over 2 years. We finally got engaged about a month ago. 

I will be wife #3. First one cheated, second one went a little nuts. This will be my second marriage. When I was married to my first husband it was never meant to be. We got together young and had children young. It was just the next step. He was never my soulmate..... fast forward to meeting my SO. He is amazing, we see everything eye to eye, we love the same things. We are perfect for each other. When we got engaged I was over the moon. Couldn't wait to post it on social media, couldn't wait to tell our families...

Last night while laying in bed binging on Netflix, he gets a text from his cousin (who is also one of his best friends), who is congratulating him for what he read on Facebook. We were laying together and he was not hiding his phone so I watched him type his reply. I can honestly say I was heart broken when I watched him type in response to why didn't you tell me, "well by the third time it looses its luster lol" 

Uh, WTF? getting engaged/married looses its luster if its more than one? So hurt. and Kinda pissed. 

Comments

Lndsy747's picture

I would definitely be upset about that too. I'm definitely hoping that that's not how he actually feels about it and that he's just trying to act tough around his friends and make a joke out of it. there are so many other ways he could have handled that that would have been acceptable like the other person said saying third time's the charm or this time I know I have the right person. 

this may be a good opportunity for you to sit down and talk to him about it and what his plans are and if he really sees this relationship is being different.

I think some people tend to feel like marriage is the right thing to do or the next step in a relationship but then when it comes to putting the work into a relationship they're not good at it and it doesn't last long. I definitely hope that that's not his mindset but if I were you I would definitely inquire about it to make sure that you don't end up divorced in a couple years.

CLove's picture

Of course I compare all the time, but he insisted that ours was the "special one", that it was more beautiful.

Id get dis-engaged! Very insensitive of him, what a goof.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

UMMMMM... Third time shouldn't matter. The fact is. When you find the RIGHT one, it's forking magic all over again.

This is why "after the first" spouses have issues feeling like they're fully valued. This bulls***. The fact we already feel they've done it all before. Definitley don't need to be voicing to the world that YOUR ENGAGEMENT doesn't have luster just becuase he went through it with two forking Psycho b****s...

Rant Done. I'm sorry!

bananaseedo's picture

It was insensitive yes, but yeah I didn't catch the 'finally after 2.5yrs'. I mean is that a long time? Considering he's been married twice before?  I'd say most divorced people like to take their time before jumping the gun again.

I have been divorced from my exh 15 years, I've been w/my SO 10 years, and we are 'finally' just now getting around to getting married next week lol

 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I'm the healthiest relationship my DH has ever had, and we both know it. When we met, he needed training, expectations, and boundaries if he wanted to keep me. I would have given it to him with both barrels if he'd done something like this.

To me, disrespect is disrespect whether he says it to you or about you to someone else. Don't accept the unacceptable, especially this early in a relationship. He said it, and he needs to explain why. Don't settle for carp like this.

hereiam's picture

Third time or not, he should be excited about marrying you. If he thinks it has lost it's luster, maybe there's no reason to marry him, just continue on like you are.

Did he actually propose? Do you have a ring? Or did you guys just decide that you are now engaged?

Wilhelm's picture

I am wife number three. My second marriage. My fisrt husband died suddenly aged 57.

I would be totally upset and horrified if my husband did that to me.his first wife was his high school sweetheart who ran out on him when the children were teenagers and left him with the kids. His second wife was an absolute disaster, much younger, wanted children and everything else she could get.

shamds's picture

i am my husbands 2nd wife, the first was a mistake, it was torture and hubby said it was wrong to have 3 kids with the screw loose of an exwife but he lives woth that decision everyday. He said he wasted 14 yrs being married to exwife and he wished he married the right one a long time ago.

some people are hurt being cheated on and lose hope for the one love but when they find it they’re ecstatic.

is your fiance a lighthearted joker? I agree its insensitive but some people just make it out like its no biggie

tog redux's picture

I am DH's third wife, and he says (and I believe him), that I'm the only one he wanted to marry and asked to marry him.  He also says I'm his "favorite wife so far", lol.  First wife was sane, just not the right time for them, second wife (BM) is batshit crazy (see blogs). 

OP, there is no such thing as "soul mates".  There are lots of people you are compatible with, and I won't even reopen the debate about calling another human being "amazing".

Since you saw the text, you should ask him about it.

notasm3's picture

Sometimes it just takes people a long time to learn how to pick the right mate.  One of my friends got her FOURTH divorce before she was 40.  But she's been happily married to #5 now for over 25 years.

My DH married wife #1 over 40 years ago because she got knocked up from a ONS - that's what people often did back then.   Wife #2 (who thank God he did not have children with) is crazy.  He was married to her for 14-15 years - but had been single for about 8 years when I met him.  Neither of us ever wanted to get married again.  Until we did.  And it's been great.  We actually like each other and are kind to one another.

I think DH's second wife could give Tog's SS's BM a run for who is the absolute worst.  The only good thing about SS34's existance is that DH got a vasectomy 2 weeks after finding out that BM (at that time an ex) was pregnant.  Wife # 2 begged him to get a reversal.  I've told DH many times that I would not have married him if he'd had children with her.  

Shadow79's picture

Thought I could vent without judgemental. He is a jokester, doesn't mean it didn't sting. 

He planned a proposal, it was a suprise and I have a ring. No date has been set. We have several children and haven't decided what kid of ceremony we want as well as everyone's rolls for the wedding. 

He has a history of rushing, like married the first one because she ended up pregnant after 6 weeks of dating, married the 2nd one after 6 months. We took it slow and have been talking about marriage for 2 years now. 

I didn't know I was going to have to defend that I don't think that marriage is a "Holy union of two people". We attend church every week, we pray together daily and put God very much into our lives. 

Thanks for the support... :/