You are NOT being selfish,abnormal or any of the above,you are human,
What you have now, put it away for your own personal security blanket.If your Fiance loves you, he should understand, but if not, then go ahead and put it away anyway,believe me when I say this,it will be for your own personal support,not to mention make you FEEL better knowing that you have a safty net.I WISH now that I had left everything in my own name.I have ALWAYS had a thing about security,and FEELING SECURE. Now I don't.All of my wages went into the "family" pot.I sold my home to help finance the house we built together.(we also have a son together)And yes we now have a beautiful house.(but it will never be mine,the will states that I have the "right" to live there until my days are gone)but it's not "MINE",do you know what I mean???? My plan now is IF hubby goes before me, I will use the insurance money to buy a little place "all my own" and let the kids have that house,and in the meantime, I'm literally saving evey penny I can get my hands on, that hubby dosen't know about,(just in case....)that quite honestly I don't feel like is my home.

hangingin

Negative you are not being selfish. Should you offer emoitinal support you betcha, financial for HIS children no. Nothing wrong with chipping in your fair share for skids b days, family vacations etc. but the bottom line is they are not your financial responsibilty. I recently remarried after being divorced for seven years. One of the reasons I waited was child support for first marriage. I made my kids and I would be damned if I expected my new spouse to pay for them. I am not a deadbeat dad, have always paid my support and will still be doing so 5 more years until youngest turns 18. Do I have a bad atitude when my X uses support money for herself ? Oh yeah, however it costs mega money to raise a child so I have no objections to paying it. My present situation is somewhat similar to yours. I am remarried and expecting bio child in Jan. 2008. My wife has 2 children 8 and 10 from previous marriage. Their bio dad a deadbeat lives overseas and has not payed a cent in cs ever. For me it sucks because it leaves me to pick up the slack. I dont want to sound greedy but I have raised my 3 sons from last marriage and want to enjoy some of the fruit I have beared. My wife and I have a joint account and sometimes it is ridiculous. She spent 700 dollars of OUR money on sd b day. Then there are the 150 dollar a month dance classes for sd and her movie star wardrobe. I have never seen one child with so many new clothes. The bottom line is I end up paying for all this as well since our finances our combined. You are not selfish, stubborn or abnormal by no means. Before you end up like me you need to sit down with hubby to be and explain to him in a diplomatic manner how you feel. It is absurd for him to think you should have to contribute financially to his kids. It will weigh you down like an anchor. Good luck and God bless.

It's impossible not to wind up paying for things when you are married. If I didn't pay for my DH's kids vacation then guess what? It would be just me and my biokid going and them 4 (DH & 3 kids) staying home. He couldn't pay after C.S., Car, ETC....
Sure, I wish I could have had foresight but I didn't. I do feel like I committed financial suicide when I married.

My DH has a son who lives with us FT. I have a DD who lives with us FT. DD receives child support from her father while DH's son receives NO support from BM. I do not use any of DD's support for any expenses related to DH or his son. That money is being paid by her father for HER, not anyone else. BTW, I work FT and just got a PT job in which I contribute to the monthly costs of running this household. Let's not forget about the cooking and cleaning that I do daily as well.

I firmly believe if you don't want to pay for his kids, you need to tell him ASAP. If you wind up paying for them, you'll only find yourself feeling bitter and resentful as you are always having to give while skids take.

then I suggest you don't get married to this man. And you are not being selfish. I married a man with 5 kids, and spent 15 years doing without so he could pay CS and all other sorts of stuff. Did I resent it..yes I did! I would have loved to take some vacations, but every vacation had to include his kids, and you can't afford to do much with 5 kids along...so it was always a camping trip. Hell, we even bought a 5 bedroom house, we couldn't afford without my working and spending my entire income for mortgage, just so the kids would all have a room when they came to visit ONCE a month! I remember one XMAS when the kids were suppose to come for the weekend after they spent the morning with the BM, well for some reason they decided to wait until the next day to come. My ex wanted US, his mom, sister he and me to put off XMAS dinner/gift exchange to the next day so the kids would be there. I said hell no, and his mom backed me up, we had our XMAS on XMAS and then we celebrated with the kids the next day!

All I can say is if your going to be with a man with kids, just get use to doing everything you do, spend money, vacations, house, etc. based on his kids.

Did I learn my lesson after being married for 22 years. Hell NO, I'm dating a guy that has 2 kids, and the scenario is the same, except we don't live together, and I'm not going to marry him!

Hanny

Look, when cs is calculated, your income is not a factor, only his...and that is b/c he is the obligor not you. I personally think it is wise for you to not spend your money on his kids' support needs. I think it's incredibly unfair for any parent to ask their partner to contribute financially to their kids from a prior relationship. It's one thing to buy a bday gift, but to financially support their upbringing is absolutely asking too much. If you focus your money on his kids, you aren't focusing on your retirement, etc..and I highly doubt your skids are going to care for you like they care for their parents during sickness, elderly care, etc..

I think I go out of my way to make sure cs is paid, and I do it to help my dh out b/c he works a lot. I get cashiers checks from my bank with his money and I send it in the mail to her directly. If my dh has to do this, our business loses his time getting the actual work done. I think this is a lot, and I don't mind doing it, but I don't do it with my money.

Good luck,
Candice

Trust me on this one, if you don't want to pay for the skids than don't because if you do and have to put your needs and wants on the back burner you will resent them.

We've got my hubby's son full-time and with the debt he has from before we were married I end up paying for everything, which is quite a lot. Do I resent it? Hell yeah! I never should have started paying for it, now I can't live the life I'm use to because I'm paying for everything that his mom and dad should be paying

You need a prenup and keep separate accounts. Those 2 kds have parents and they need to do their job. You will slowly watch your money and your security drain away. 2 kds X college=disaster. Go online and see how much it cost just to get 1 educated. If he refuses to sign the prenup and to keep separate accounts you have your answer. The thing I am most curious about is why he wants these joint accounts.

I agree you're not being selfish. I have someone pitched in more than either BM's for my DH's 3 kids. I have my own account and DH pays the bills so the "left over" money (my money) is for other stuff, well, when something like glasses come up unexpectedly or shoes or clothes it comes out of my pocket b/c the BM's dont' pay CS. It's really frustrating, especially when I dont' have the extra money to go to dinner with my sister or go to the movies, when I SHOULD have had the money if I wouldn't have paid for the SKids stuff. I'd just say get it settled now, we thought I'd always been a stay at home mom but it took me so long to get pregnant that got thrown on the window so we didn't really talk about it. So, settle it now is my only advice!!
Dawn

If you are to make any financial contribution to his kids it should be because YOU want to and are doing so out of the kindness of your heart. You owe them nothing. And don't let him fall for the "since she is contributing to the household budget you have more money for the kids" junk.

As said earlier, keep everything separate! When I got married to my husband we both agreed that as long as he is paying child support, everything we have is separate. If he should for some reason fall behind on his support and you guys have a joint account...well guess what...they can take the money you contributed to pay the cs.

And if he doesn't agree to keep things separate, then think twice before you marry him.

Like everyone else confirmed.. keep it separate. It's logical. Especially if you live in a marital property state... keep your assets separate as well. Preserve your premarital credit rating!!!

His child expenses are his; mine are mine. Family expenses can be shared. COLLEGE?? My DH is planning on letting his BD go out of state which is 25,000 more per year than in state, yet he only set a side 18,000 per year. While my BD is going to a community college for two yrs then transferring to Univ last 2 years, she currently is paying for community college because she can afford to. I am not paying for his kids to go to a better school and my standard of living is not dropping if he does pay for this. You can borrow for college, you can't borrow for retirement!!!

Even personal products are an argument. His kids want the most expensive "I saw this on a commercial" products. I buy what's on sale. I get this is what my mom and dad buy.. I say then you know where to go!

Vacations... I kick in for that. However he has had a lot of kids expense last year and wasn't sure if we could take one... I could afford to.. so I took a girl trip and one with my mom.

Like you I work and have established assets/savings before marrying... His obligations are not going to infringe me and my girls. That's not to say I don't help out... I carry insurance for all and pay half the household bills, paid jointly for new roof and furniture... but major kid expenses we are both on our own.

Stand firm.

My DH and I have a joint account, both paychecks go in and everything gets paid out of it (I mean everything, more than bills, fun stuff too) we do not pay child support, we are suppose to receive it but we have one of those "dead beat moms" who do not pay, so guess who ends up making the difference, you guessed it me, I hate the fact that I am paying for someone else's kid, so we are getting seperate accounts, and I have heard from other SMs, that it is the best thing to do. If I had to do it again, I would get one joint to pay the bills with and then one seperate for everything else, you should travel and enjoy your life, you only have one life to live, you should make it a good one! Good Luck to you!

I don't put myself in a position to allow bm's to go after my finances. They will and they have tried. I make sure they don't succeed. I worked for it.

I don't think it's selfish, I think it's reasonable.

"One breath at a time is an acceptable plan."
Ani DiFranco

Okay, so lets suppose that your accounts are seperate.... your dh pays for all of the child support and pays to support his kids when they are in your home.... anything associated with his kids comes out of his paycheck alone....

So what happens when the two of you go out for an expensive dinner, or on a trip and dh can't afford to cover the bill after paying for all the CS on his own? Who covers the bill? You do. S
So any way you slice it, you are still in one way or another paying for his kids....

I don't like that my dh pays way too much in CS anymore than any of you do... but we are a team and if I didn't want to play, then I wouldn't have signed up.

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned"
-Budda