Your thoughts and Advise! Help with SS
So here is my issue and please let me know if I am being petty, stupid, wrong or all of the above for feeling like this.
I have two SS 12 and 9, their mom left them with us out of the blue about 8 months ago and has now up and left the state not wanting to have anything to do with them. When Dad and I got involve they lived with mom and we had visitations. Now it has done a 180 and we have them 100% of the time. I also have three girls 12,8,5 and My Husband and I have one on the way. While I know what I was getting into being with someone with kids, I didn’t know the physical and psychological things that these kids had been through with their BM. DH was gone out of their lives for such a long time while serving oversea, but kept in contact with them all the time.
What is currently going on is that the kids are being super super needy, clingy even more so now then when mom originally left them with us more so the oldest. The kids are in counseling and the older one SS12 is just angry and planning the tuff guy role. The younger on SS9 is kid of in this depress mode. DH has been buying them stuff and spending a lot of time with them, spending time is great however buying them Ipods, Xbox, Wii and spending money that we are suppose to be saving for our upcoming move is one of the things that is bothering me. It’s like he feel he needs to make up for time lost with material items. We have another child on the way and need to be saving. My Girls have also noticed all these things being bought and ask why the boys get everything when we are to be on a budget. I have raised my girls to earn things and have made them aware of goals that we need to meet and how we can meet them so we live better as a family. In addition to spending of the money I have noticed that SS12 has tend to be a lil kiss ass and whine about everything, OMG to get this kid to even touch a vegetable or a fruit is like pulling teeth from a hungry lion, he is always the last to finish eating and gets left at the table while the other get to play and just start pacing it’s like getting a toddle to focus, he waist food every time he eats he also snacks like the is no tomorrow before and after dinner. When DH is not around I tell him to put it back and he seems fine , but when DH is present he gets away with it.
With SS9 this poor lil guy is so depressed and in need of his mother, I feel. He was the one that was closes to her, Even though she hurt them. The other day I was cooking dinner and he just came up to me and hugged me and would not let go, so I just held him like I would with the girls. He is trying to hide the hurt and tends to say mean things about BM only after SS12 says them, I think he feel that if he dose says he misses her that his brother and Dad will get mad. I told DH that he needs to talk to SS12 because he is making the matters harder to deal with for SS9. With SS9 I think he feels a lil left out because SS12 and DH have this strong father- son relationship, or it seems like it because SS12 is always following DH around and hugging him any moment that his can leaving SS9 kind or out of the loop. I saw this very clearly on Sunday morning when DH came into the living room when all the kids where playing wii and DH sat down next to SS12 and just hugged him for a long period of time, the look on SS9 face was heart breaking.
SS12 I my main issue, his attitude, his need to always be around dad, he whining and get of his own way. This kid is so lazy and to get him to help out with anything is hard. My 12 year old daughter is way more independent and aware of thing more than SS12. OMG and his need to make it known that he is the oldest (only by a few weeks) and that all the kids need to listen to him is URRRRR! I’m starting to get annoyed and have brought my concerns up to DH and he said that he is working on it but I have yet to see anything change. I don’t want to make SS12 to feel single out but what else can I do. I also have made a choice to spend more time with SS9 in a motherly way and am afraid that SS12 with think that hate him or not like him. I try to treat all the kids equal the boys and the girls. The girls know that cause we talk about their issues and concerns and we deal with them. With this new baby coming along DH will need to spread his time around and stop focusing on just SS12.
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Comments
You're not feeling anything
You're not feeling anything wrong here - it's a horrible, confusing situation you've all ended up in & I guess you need to perhaps agree some rules & boundaries as a family.
It sounds like there's some guilt parenting going on by your OH, and I don't know what you could do to get him out of that to be honest.
Do all the kids get on OK? How do they feel about their new sibling?
Sorry I'm not more help, but didn't want to read & run!
My heart breaks for these
My heart breaks for these little boys. Mostly b/c I have 2 boys the same ages myself. The 12yo is probably going through puberty and it just isnt cool to show anyone your feelings, ya know? My son does that too, but I find that if he's acting out and I just hug him, he'll stop. Sounds like Dh feels guilty. Have you asked him about it?
Not sure if this will help
Not sure if this will help but...
Personally I think you need to sit down with your husband and have a nice long conversation about everything. Approach him by saying you would like to come up with a compromise as far as the mass spending on the boys. My bio dad tried to buy me when I was young and well that didn't work for me in the long run, yes it was fun at the time cause I was getting a bunch of new stuff, but looking back all I really remember him for was a wallet. I don't have a relationship with him and most likely never will (other circumstances involved as well). You can tell him that if he wants to spoil them because of their situation and the fact that he was gone alot, there are plenty of low cost or free things they can go do together instead of buying them video games and sending them off alone. I know kids don't say it, but they want attention more than gifts, or atleast gifts that you will play with them. As far as your role with the kids you can either sit down with them both alone or with your husband (with out him interrupting you to much) and explain to them that you know you are not their bio mom, but you would still like to be there for them as if you were, and let them know they can come to you for anything even if it's just to talk about something small that interests them. For ss12 you can calmly tell him that you know he's going through a lot right now but you would appriciate it if the attitude stopped and if he is feeling upset about his mother that it is ok to feel that way and that you or his father would be there to talk to him about it, same for ss9 it sounds like he needs to get his feelings off his chest but needs to be reassured that it IS ok to speak about her however he feels he needs to, even if it is to say that he misses her and he loves her. Your husband nor his brother should be upset for that, either there or gone she is still their mother and they have those memories of her good or bad. If need be tell them both that if they are uncomfortable speaking infront of someone else then they can always pull you aside to let it out.
I know this may be cheesy, but also putting aside at least one day a week for "family" time does help a bit. It is also something they will remember as being fun when they get older. You can do the ever cheesy family game night, or a movie night, or a day out to the park or something. My mom used to take my and my brother and step sister twice a month to garage sales, she would give us all 5 bucks and would make it a game to see who could get the most stuff they wanted from it by the time we went home. So in a way it somewhat taught us to watch money too lol. Game nights work good too, we just taught my 6yo ss to play monopoly, he whomped me twice and I am patiently awaiting to exact my revenge on him. But the point is a number of things work, get the kids involved and have them take turns picking each week, but if you keep with it, it not only shows them stability but it also shows that they are ALL loved and wanted.
Sorry it was so long but I hope some of it helped if only a tiny bit.