Recieved attorney letter on Mother's day for SD 18 postsecondary
Hi Everyone,
Sorry I've been away for awhile. I was dealing with a health issue but I'm fine now. SD18 graduates in a week and DH and I were happy and excited to have some extra income now that CS is stopping.
We went to the mailbox on Mothers day and found a nasty gram from BM's attorney. She has decided to send SD18 to another state for college. SD will be living in the dorms there but somehow, BM feels she needs over $600 per month for SD's postsecondary education. BM said nothing. SD18 said nothing to DH when he asked about how he could help her with college. Then DH gets a call from SD from another state, on campus, saying she has been accepted there and is going there for 4 years. DH was hurt that he didn't get to go check out her college of choice with her, and when he asked about money, SD refused to tell him anything.
Now, BM is going to court for this. Why? We think she just wants to steal some more from her kids and torment us in the process. We got an attorney of our own and we will be putting some conditions on this money:
1. Money will go directly to the school.
2. SD must maintain a reasonable GPA.
3. BM must match our contribution and be held accountable by the courts if she does not.
We are waiting on the court date to find out what happens. Has anyone else here won against this petition for secondary education payments? From what I've heard, they don't normally go to the parent, but the child or the school directly.
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Hey, Shieldmaiden! Sorry to
Hey, Shieldmaiden! Sorry to hear you've had health issues. {{hugs}}
Soooooo glad you've got an attorney! Your DH should not give one cent towards college without the actual bills, notarized copies, or verification of the exact total from a legitimate source (school).
Hi Aniki!
Hi Aniki! Missed you! I hope you are doing well.
I agree with what you said. We are having our attorney do the talking, but are thinking the same thing. BM is getting married in July to her live in boyfriend. SD's occasionally let it slip that he gets drunk every day and has anger management problems. He yells at them and calls them lazy effers. By comparison, I think I am looking pretty good to them now. Too bad we won't be letting them move back in, ever. All 3 SD's are living either in BM's home or in her driveway in a trailer. I hope BM is rethinking her lax parenting style now. Ha ha.
Missed you, too! *air_kiss*
Missed you, too! *air_kiss*
Also
Put in a stipulation where you can have access to the student portal as a parent. In theory, students don't have to open up this access even though you are paying for it! Make sure you get access or the gravy train ends!
Good idea!
Good idea! I like that. I will see what we can do.
Was going to say the same
Was going to say the same thing! If DH is paying he must have portal access which includes grade records. Also put in a time frame stipulation if four years or until she's 23. You don't want to be on the hook forever or for advanced degrees.
As an eternal college student
As an eternal college student, my experience made me a very direct parent when it comes to post secondary education. A kid I was paying for college for would get my full support for a very small number of school and degree options. Basically, they go where I say and study what I say or they can pay for it themselves.
Just make sure that everything is written down
BM new SO isn't going to be happy with his money going to his SD. what he has known for a few months. BM is going to try to stick you will all of it. Check the price of that school. It's on line. How much in loans is SD is taking Is loans covering tuition and this $600 a month ,just pocket money? State schools are like $25,000. So 1/w of that is 12,000. So it's more like $1,000 a month
SD got a grant
SD was able to quality for a grant as well, so its less. After looking at the paperwork, it seems reasonable - except for the fact that BM erroniously labeled it as child support on the form - which is wrong - according to our attorney. Its postsecondary support. The original CS docs leave that open.
We just want to make sure that BM is also on the hook for some of it, as well as SD. SD will need to maintain a good Gpa also, to keep getting her school paid for. We are having our attorney put in some stipulations so BM or SD can't abuse it.
The stipulations are
The stipulations are reasonable but depending on how college is paid for they might not be doable. Like if SD or BM takes out a loan vs pays another way.
Tuition is not charged on a monthly basis so be open to a certain contribution "per semester." And then you might get a break over summer. This would make it clear you intend to support SD for college but not just continue monthly child-support-esque payments to BM.
Good luck! Also there is presedent in some states that if a non custodial parent did not have any say in college choice then they may not be expected to pay.
Some schools, one my youngest
Some schools, one my youngest went to, do allow monthly payments (for a small fee). You are liable for the semester if the kid drops out after a certain date.
I'd also check the usual college tuition ordered in court. In one state near me they typically award only a percentage of the in state university tuition as a max. If you pick a pricy private college you still only get the percentage of the state university.
Girlfriend's husband had to pay hefty CS until the kid graduated university, but was not ordered to pay anything else. Kid ended up with large loans.
Sometimes a lot depends on the judge you draw.
I'm so sorry you're going
I'm so sorry you're going through this. When I read part of your first line, I knew what was coming, as a similar thing happened here with my SD. DH was given no say about where SD went to school, either (something I would definitely talk to the attorney about) yet was expected to help pay for a situation (room, board, transportation) after SD had not spoken to him in over 2 years (major PAS). BM did not get an attorney but they came to an agreement which really hurt US financially at a time when we thought we'd have more money. When SD got shamed out of her ridiculous religious college and few of her credits would transfer elsewhere, DH finally threw in the towel and said No More.
I agree with what everyone else has said, and it's good that your attorney is doing the talking. Limits, access, etc. Best of luck.
I am far from an
I am far from an institutional snob when it comes to colleges/unversities. Though I have attended a number of good schools, both my undergrad and graduate degrees are from for profit non competitive entry though fully accredited schools. Name is IMHO not necessary though basic accreditation (Accredited by one of the accrediting bodies recognized by the USDOE or the equivelent of the country where the kid goes to school) is the minmum due diligence for selecting a place to pay for the receipt showing you attended and completed a degree.
A former coworker of mine sent his kids to a "college" through their church. The college was taught by the ministers spouse in their living room. Completely unaccredited. The hill they tried to plant the legitimacy flag on regarding ther poor choice was "Harvard is not accredited". I had to point out that Harvard is fully accredited by the history of the University being a top school for nearly 4 centuries. His kids all ended up not getting jobs after finishing their "degrees" from that school and had to do it all over again at Stete universities on their own dime with no credit for their "degrees".. My former coworker was completely offended that his kids betrayed his beliefs and the tennets of the church they were raised in and went to schools outside of his fringe church.
His kids did work and pay for their legitimate universties themselves. My coworker was regularly concerned regarding the souls of his children and how they were led astray.
I pointed out that he raised them and educated them to be good people and he had to trust that they were doing what they knew was right for them......
Not sure how it all worked out as it has been 20+ years since we last spoke.
"Fringe" is the word.
"Fringe" is the word. Religious fanaticism rules BM and SD's lives, which is somewhat amusing (and disgusting) when you look at their behavior. Yea, SD will probably be paying off college loans until she's 60. And she's unhappy with her career choice. That she married a radically traditional and somewhat domineering man and is in a situation where she is the primary breadwinner, doesn't use birth control (one kid per year of marriage so far), parents a young family member of his, etc. does not help.
As they say, you can't make it up.
Thanks
Thanks. Why did your SD get shamed out of religious college?
My youngest SD is actually very good at school. However, she has trouble with real life, so being on her own in another state might put her over the anxiety freakout threshold. This is why we want to limit her ability to freeload, should she decide to not work or attend class and just sit in the dorm, watch TV and order doordash.
It does suck that we can't finally have a break on the money going out, but such is life.
Thanks
Thanks. We are hoping for the best. One thing we are going to ask also, is that BM is getting married to her live in boyfriend of 1year in a few months. Shouldn't the new husband be required to have his income included in her household income? He has also been living there and paying her rent for a year, which the CS dept doesn't know about. Not sure if you have encountered this before but was curious.
In my state, this type of
In my state, this type of thing can extend CS payments beyond the normal aged-out period. Maybe that is what BM is up to?
This is the case in SpermLand
This is the case in SpermLand. Upon HS graduation and reaching 18, the SKid can request that the courts extend CS to age 21 if the Skid is a full time student in good standing with their university, college, or trade school. When the student satus CS extension is initiated CS stops going to the CP and goes directly to the SKid until they turn 21yo. Direct payroll withholding from NCP pay continues.
The SpermClan guilted SS into not continuing CS after he turned 18. I advised that he initiate continuaiton of CS while he attended university. We would have paid all of his tuition, room, board, fees, etc. The CS would have been his discretionary spending funds. They convinced him that his younger half sibs would starve and be denied the things that SS had growing up in our home.
It ended up being a moot point as he enisted in the USAF.
I wouldn't put it past BM
I wouldn't put it past BM to do this. This is why we have the attorney. If we have to suffer, so does BM. No more BS about her being the perfect parent. She is far from it.
Hey there!
Bummer. The very nerve of some people with all their entitlement.
Definitely get on that parent portal and get the details down. Check and recheck.
Is there a written requirement that you do this? I would refuse since the out of state was chosen without knowledge or consent. Unless of course there was some kind of agreement in place.
Your new "extra income" seems like its being sucked back into the black hole vortex of BM.
Glad you are doing better healthwise.
Thanks
Thanks Clove! As for BM sucking off our extra income - at least its going to SD and she will have to work for it. We are checking on the out of state thing. I think the amount is reasonable because SD qualified for a grant because of her high GPA. It would have been nice if someone had included us, though. SD wasn't even going to invite DH to her graduation. These kids are so mean. I would never treat my dad that way, or my mom, and then expect them to support me.