Vent about BM
DH and I have decided a certain dollar amount we would like to contirbute to skids college. We won't do it at the expense of putting ourselves in debt so it's all dependant on our financial ability when the time comes that they need it. We have told SS19 and SD18 that we intend to help them with college, that it absolutely won't be a free ride, but we will help with what we can. We intentially did not give them a dollar value as it is dependant on what we can afford. SS19 is now in his 2nd year of community college and thanks to a good job he was able to hold for about a year he has a decent amount saved up and has not needed any of our funds yet. He will be transfering to a undergraduate program in the fall and will probably be asking for some money next year.
SD18 was accepted to a local college recently and will be attending in the fall. SD18 came out of her room yesterday asking for her birth certificate so she could take a picture. When we asked what it was for (while we found it for her) she said she didn't know and that BM needed it. DH texted BM asking what it was for and instead of just telling him she got defenisve and asked why was there a problem with it. DH dropped it but told SD18 she should probably know what was going on with her own college and why BM was doing requirements for her college and not her.
A short time later it finally clicked in my head that BM was probably applying for studen loans for SD18. I went and asked her and she said that yes she was. I told her she should wait, that DH and I had planned to give her some money, and she should not be accepting loans until she knows whether or not she needs them or not yet since she'll have to pay interest.
Then in comes a text from BM giving DH greif because he did not communicate to SD18 or BM that he would be giving her money (which we did tell SD18 multiple times). And that how was she supposed to know that, we haven't given SS19 any money (because he hasn't asked/ needed it yet) so she thought we weren't helping him and that it would be the same for SD18.
DH did not respond at all and called SD18 down to talk with her. Straight up told her he got a rude message from BM and that she has nothing to do with the money we may be gifting her for college. SD18 then tried to say that BM does have something to do with it?! I told her she does not, that it is a gift from us to SD18, we have no agreement with BM to share/pay certain amounts for college, it is stricly a gift and anything BM does or does not contribute has nothing to do with our contribution. We do not ask/tell BM what we buy SD18 for birthdays or Christmas, and this gift will be no different.
I'm sure BM is somehow still making us out to be the bad guy in this situation when we are the ones actually contributiing to her college. So frustrating...she's mad that we didn't communiate a gift we're giving SD18, yet she did absoluetly no communication on the fact that she was applying for student loans on behalf of SD18, and when point blank asked why the birth certificate was needed she dodged the question.
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Communication
Probs because she is the GUBM, and shes the only one that should be involved in HER childrens lives and education.
Toxic Troll does this with Skiddos health. She will take them in, and gt them on meds and DH has no say-so, but yet when its convenient for her, he becomes the FATHER of their CHILDREN.
Thats so nice of you to be doing that she should be grateful. Selfish woman wants to own all that for herself.
The first thing that the
The first thing that the student should be doing is filling out the FAFSA paperwork with the school. The parent who has primary custody generally is the one that would be providing their household income for those purposes (If BM is CP that woudl be her and her husband if she has one).
This is part of the process that could end up with a student loan but it is a system by which the relative obligation of the student and their family will have to pay. It's the first step that is required before there is any accounting for financial aid or scholarships through the loan.
So, what would happen is they fill out this financial information. The school will tell the student what, if any grant money or financial aid may be available.. they will then generally dictate what the "student share" of their college expenses will be. This amount will be what the student and their parents can pay in cash... take loans out etc... It does NOT obligate them to pay that amount.. just tells them what it is. If they can't afford to pay it..and don't want to take a loan.. well.. the kid won't be going to school really.
So, it's to establish if there is any aid available... your SS should have also filled this all out at community college because it's possible he might have qualified for grants that could have reduced his need to pay for classes.
So, again step one for SD is she should go through the FAFSA process with the school and see what her options are. any grant money she will get and what she and her family will need to come up with. Then, you and your DH can decide what amount of that.. if any you are willing to pay... and then BM can decide to pay what she wants (or take a loan out).. and SD can decide what amount she may be willing to work to offset that.
DH is going through the
DH is going through the college cost / payment insanity as well....I agree that the FAFSA, if it's a state college, should be completed by the primary parent, or BM, not DH. BM should then forward you the offical costs from the school - not just "tell" you what they are. And of course, you should only pay directly to the school.
This is not an easy process when the BM and/or step doesn't communicate with you. Just be firm and tell SD what she needs to know and make sure she gets it. Repeat if you have to.
I think something is going on with OSD18/BM and DH regarding college info as DH has been super stressed lately in the way he gets when it's an issue with OSD18/BM. He was ranting the other day about college costs and d*mmed if he'll pay a cent if he's got zero involvement or OSD continues to ignore him but demand $. Of course, nothing but the most expensive, mostly all-women, east coast private expensive schools for her.
Thanks for the info so far, I
Thanks for the info so far, I don't have a problem with BM helping SD18 fill in the FAFSA documents, what I don't like is that she's just doing it rather than helping SD18 do it. My dad did it for me, and I had no idea what I was getting into as far as student loans, and seriously regret that.
The skids don't really have a primary parent anymore...DH used to be from 2013 - 2020, then when COVID hit BM was able to take the skids 50/50. So it's been evenly split since then. BM is not married (although has lived with her boyfried for years) so it would only be her income, while for DH I beleive it would be his and mine, so it makes more sense to use BM's informaiton.
Again it's not really a big deal that BM is helping SD18 with the FASFA stuff, it just irritates me that we are trying to help and give SD18 money, yet DH is getting trash talked.
Yep - my SD18 from what we
Yep - my SD18 from what we can tell is doing some of the work, but BM is running alllllll interference with DH. If your SD doesn't understand what's going on you should just keep explaining that she needs to be involved in this stuff as she's going to College and life isn't a free pass on work. Independence = Work and Maturity.
SD may be seeing it from a
SD may be seeing it from a simplistic way that mom is helping her get loans.
The reality is that it may just be BM providing her informatin for FAFSA and lots of parents do that directly themselves... better than the kid getting on and signing up for loans without realizing. Once there is a FAFSA determination.. that's when basically the three of them need to have some understanding about who can contribute what.. and then what the gap is that needs to be covered.
Since it is imminent.. your DH needs to kind of come to the point of understanding what he is willing to do. he can wait to see what the gap is first so he isn't over offering though.
It makes financial aid sense
It makes financial aid sense to use BM's information. But, I'm wondering why BM wanted a copy of the birth certificate. I don't believe that it's one of the documents that has to be submitted.
I don't recalling involving my bios when filling out the FAFSA. As I recall, I did it. But, they were definitely involved once the financial aid offer came in. That is the time the student absolutely needs to know what they are signing for. No one should get loans that they do not know the terms of. And in your case, DH should see the offers before he hands over any money.
I think you do have to prove
I think you do have to prove citizenship for FAFSA other documents may substitute.. like a "real ID" or us passport.
I didn't have to submit birth
I didn't have to submit birth certificate info for the FAFSA either. We didn't go the loan route, though. Our state offers a scholarship program that covers tuition for an in-state school for students who qualify, so my son got that. He goes to a relatively inexpensive public state college, so expenses aren't too high. I really don't want either if my kids to rack up the debt that i did with student loans. I'm still paying mine off.
Tell SD to talk to you guys before she signs anything, as BM might be obligating her to a lifetime of debt. I got married very young, and my husband convinced me to take out the maximum and put the "extra" toward our house. The problem was, the house was in both our names but the land it was built on was in his only. I didn't realize that when i signed the mortgage documents at age 24. It was a legal loophole that his uncles also used on their wives. When we divorced, he got a paid-off house and i got the loans. Idk if BM would do something like this, but SD needs to be aware before she borrows.
Whewww your dh is so very
Whewww your dh is so very lucky BM didnt file a request to modify a year or so back. . Some states will allow it. If granted, CS continues AND NCP must pay percentage of all college costs if not all.
BM has zero business in your gifts to skids. But of course she thinks she does.
I am sorry---tell her to pound sand?