And boy, does she break it down!! I didn't realize exactly how much of my frustration is compounded by the "step" situation. I'm also learning some insight about me, who I am, and feel validated in my how I feel.
It is also opening my mind up to looking at other posters' point of view. I would get outraged after reading some of the responses to people who clearly came on here for help, and I didn't understand why I would get so angry with the posters who I felt were responding negatively to someone who could be me, someone who had similar issues to what I have. Not only did I learn that their history might have something to do with it (whether or not we are skids, which I am), but Wednesday Martin wrote about something called the "Cinderella in reverse syndrome", which is "the stepmother's drive to be whiter than white, better than the best, and her tendency to overcompensate at her own expense." Basically, these women want to prove that they are the opposite of the evil stepmother, and may not even recognize this in themselves. They overcompensate to feel good about themselves by proving to themselves and the husband that they are kind and generous, warm and giving.
Now, I'll be the first to admit that I have definitely had the Cinderella in reverse syndrome, I have bought everything my ss has ever asked me for. But I was at a point where I felt guilty about asking for a better living situation, because I'm supposed to be just as happy as SO to have ss come over EOW (because it's ONLY every EOW, so it's not so bad right?), and share the little that we do have with him. I understand now that I shouldn't have to feel guilty for wanting more for myself, and that I have been overcompensating ("if I don't buy ss what he wants, will he still like me?"). This being fake to myself I can no longer do. I have to be honest with myself first and foremost in order to fix what I can, to get to the point where I can be happy, without depending on SO to just give it to me. If it was meant to be, we will be, and I am hoping for it (that SO will man up to what needs to be done), but I can't live my life waiting for it or expecting it.
I say all of this to say, thanks crayon, and everyone else for recommending this book. We could all learn something from it, and I'm wondering if I should recommend it to friends who are adult skids and need a SM's point of view.