I didn't know whether I should tell him once I found a place, or now. I opted to tell him now, just so that he would be prepared when I find an apartment. He just stood quiet and said that he wanted to come with me "because it wouldn't look right" that I move and he stays behind (with the roommate). I told him that this is a big decision for him, because I already decided that I prefer to live alone (I've never lived alone, and got into the relationship with him at 18). There are a lot of root issues on why I am unsure of continuing to live with him, some of which I have posted in previous blogs, but the one I told him is that I need my privacy and space. In order for us to do it together as a team, I need to be able to depend on him, to know that he has steady income, and that I won't be the one stuck picking up all the slack (which is what usually happens). I save, I plan, he spends without thinking. The landlord of this building showed us 2 studios a couple of months ago, and I thought it would be perfect....for me. Since we know the landlord personally, he is not requiring proof of income (which is good since I'm on unemployment and the landlord knows this), plus the rent is cheap for NYC standards (650 for the 2 room studio, 725 for the bigger one). I have yet to find something remotely close to this price range, even for studios, and even though they are both tiny, I figure I won't be home much, what with all the clinicals and schoolwork, and possibly having to go back to work (I was interviewed this week for a job, and they are checking my references at this point).
I told him that if he felt strongly about moving with me wherever I went (mind you, we'd be in the same building), we would have to look for a 2 bedroom, which at cheapest would be 950 monthly, if they even have any available. I told him this morning that I don't want to feel like I dread when ss9 comes over because I do not have my personal space. I told him that at least he can go to the living room and hang out with all the guys that come over here (the roommate and him have mutual friends), while I'm stuck in a small room with his son for most of my weekends. He stood quiet and maintained that he wants to move with me.
I feel that I am making this sound so logical, but inside I'm pretty scared, yet I can't let SO see that, or he'll start saying all the right things to make me want to stay. Like I titled my previous blog, it's really issues in our relationship that have made me get to this point, as well as issues within myself.
I need to get past a lot of resentment I carry around, things like forgoing schools in other states, where it would have been cheaper for me to live, for him. He used his son as an excuse for why he didn't want to move from NYC, something I never understood. I didn't understand it because the state I was looking into going was Virginia, which is not that far from here, maybe about a 6 hour drive. I made sacrifices, I gave 10 years of my life to him, believing in him and his potential, and I've gotten nowhere. No ring, no apartment, no peace of mind.
We just wanted different things, and still do. He doesn't see the point in getting a 2 bedroom, even when I explain that ss9 will soon not want to come visit if he has to stay in a room with SO and me. He'll start choosing to stay home. I don't want to be a part of that, that woman in his life who allowed SO to be "comfortable".
I know I am to blame because I kept choosing to revolve my life around him so much, that I don't really have a life, except school, him, and Steptalk. I am reevaluating what I want out of life, out of relationships, and feel that I need alone time right now. How do I say something like this without hurting his feelings? Once again, I feel like I'm being fake for not just telling him the truth. I am sacrificing me, and sparing him the pain of reality.
I love him, but I've learned that sometimes, love is not enough, if both people aren't on the same page.