I was talking to a friend the other day and I don't know why I am still annoyed by the conversation we had.
She was telling me about how messed up her sister in law was for not taking in her 19 year old stepson (my friend's nephew). I asked her how it was that the SIL ends up being the bad guy, when IMO, her brother should bear the responsibility of his own son. She then went on to tell me that her SIL has her master's degree and has always been fortunate enough to run into money. Recently, she moved to a 3 bedroom apartment (she has 2 BDs with the H, one is 9 the other is about 6). Instead of letting the SS have his own room, she stated that the girls wanted their own rooms. The reason why the SIL doesn't want to take SS in is because she used to be close to him before she had her bios but after she had her bios, I guess he got jealous and made a remark to her eldest daughter, who was about 6 at the time. I don't know what the comment was, but SIL felt that it was so bad that she had to take her daughter to counselling over it. I asked my friend if her brother ever tried to speak to his son, or if he addressed the behavior. She told me that in all honesty, her brother antagonizes the situation by doing things he knows will piss his wife off whenever he's angry with her. One of the last things he did was to have his 18 year old son in their bed when she got home from work (mind you, her brother is an ex-addict, who just got out of jail 2 years ago, his 3rd time in jail, just got out of a rehab last year after slipping up, still doesn't work, and is on public assistance).
So I told her while I don't agree with what her SIL is doing, I understand it. It is up to her brother to unite with her and stop doing things he knows will create resentment between his son and his wife. I honestly believe that if her brother gives his wife that support, she would be more open to allowing his son to live with them (plus I recommended counselling for her nephew as he still has anger issues because he feels that his father has had more of a hand in raising his sisters than he ever had with him). However, everyone in my friend's family, including my friend, somehow place most of the blame on the SIL. Their reasoning is that she has to be the bigger person, and that she has money. I told my friend that I was probably not a good person to speak to about this because I am biased to be on the side of the SM. How does it become anyone's business what the SIL makes? I'm almost 100% sure that no one helped her get her master's degree, she had to practically raise her daughters by herself after her H was in jail for 5 years, but somehow she still owes him something? By the way, the reason why my friend's nephew doesn't stay with his mother is because he got kicked out for having a fistfight with his stepfather. Like I told my friend, there are 3 sides to every story, in this case, her nephew's, his mother, and his SF. He is staying with his aunt (my friend's sister), and his aunt is struggling because she says he doesn't listen to directions, eats a lot, and she has her own 2 boys to take care of. However, the whole family, including my friend, feels that the SIL is mostly to blame for not taking in ss, instead of focusing on the father's actions (or inactions). They feel that she was only close to SS as a "front", but once she had her own, she changed. They feel that she is cheap with gift giving (they compare what she bought her daughters to him), without giving a thought that she, like the other BM, is ultimately doing it by herself. I just don't get how she ended up being the bad guy anyway, and now me, for sticking up for her. I wish I could anonymously e-mail the SIL the address for this site. I'm pretty sure she has her own version of the story.