How to control the aftereffects of BM's obvious mental illness?
I know I've said this before, but I need to say it again. Where does this $hit end?!? The whole ordeal is giving me crippling anxiety and im so tired of running over better ways to respond when this stuff happens in my head. Actually, I think this time I'm just going to ask for instructions. Also let me preface by saying, I am familiar with parental alienation, I am familiar with Craig Childress and I have read divorce poison. None of that is making this any less upsetting or any easier to deal with. In addition, SS is only 5. He's a little bit too young for parental alienation per se to effect him, at this point the BM's behavior is just resulting in a very confused child with a lot of behavioral issues.
BM had a little text flippout at my DH over thanksgiving break. Per the court order, she gets thanksgiving day and black Friday, but she doesn't get thanksgiving weekend. On my DH's years, he gets the entire weekend. This is her year. So DH texts her to confirm exchange time and place for Saturday. BM sends back about 100 messages about how its her time and he cant have it, then some BS about how he agreed to give it to her in some conversation that never happened, then something about how since he had the weekend last year she gets it this year, followed by some nonsense about how they haven't been following the CO anymore so how can he expect her to follow it now and something about Christmas last year that didn't actually happen either... And finally a rant about how dare he drop this on her at the last minute and how he better not expect her to agree to anything ever again. She never actually asked him to trade the weekend, she just ranted for a good hour.
This is what happens every single time there is a day or holiday or anything in the CO that is unfavorable to her. Her behavior looks pretty ridiculous since its supposed to be a 50% plan but due to the way its written its more like 65/35 in her favor, the way she acts you'd think she gets one day a year and my DH is stealing it. Of course, the other thing that happens is that every time she gets upset with DH, SS starts exhibiting all kinds of unusual behaviors where its pretty obvious she really tore into him for it. So what did SS5 say/do this weekend?
"Mommy says im not allowed to listen to you daddy." "Mommy says I'm not allowed to have fun at daddy's." This stuff is minor, but it keeps getting worse. Than DH asks SS to do something, SS refuses, DH takes something away, SS starts crying, and eventually comes up to DH and says "Mommy doesn't love me anymore, she says she only loves her parents and wishes she never had me." and somewhere in trying to calm him down out comes "Why do you say you're my daddy when my other daddy put me in mommy's stomach?" Who is his other daddy? No, its not a stepfather believe it or not. It's Grandpa, the BM's father.
So... What are sane responses for this stuff?
I really wish it started there but the SS's shattered mind party was just beginning. Sunday night SS5 has a meltdown over a blanket. DH decides he's had it and SS is going to bed early. This results in a kicking hitting screaming child shouting "I don't need you! I only love mommy! I hate you! Go away and die alone!" at DH. Tantruming child is calmly and immediately carried to and locked into his bedroom where he promptly begins banging on the door and calling for me while wailing. I come in, I'm pretty mad but I realize he doesn't see DH and I as the same. When he's in trouble with one of us he usually asks the other one what to do about it. Now the really disturbing stuff starts...
"I don't want to be like mommy. I want to be like you and daddy but she's controlling me. I'm sorry I hurt daddy but she's making me do it. She's my mommy so I have to do what she says." So I explain that he controls himself, which seems confusing to him, and ask what the BM said to him.
He replies "Mommy says she's going kill you and Daddy. She hates both of you. She really hates you. She had a bad day because of daddy and she was so angry she turned red and ripped all the books up and kept hitting herself in the face. Then she started choking herself until she puked and it was all red and she said it was because of daddy." "I'm really scared, mommy said I have to help her kill daddy or I don't love her, i'm supposed to kill daddy right now and she said if I don't she's going stop loving me and leave me somewhere to die. "
HELP?
How am I supposed to reply when SS says stuff like this?
Yes my DH filed for contempt but lawyer says he doubts they'll do anything, its all just hearsay. Please don't tell me to read books or put SS in therapy. I just want to know how to respond when he says/does things like this because the BM has been abusing him again.
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Go to the police around the
Go to the police around the threats.
Also have CPS evaluate this child.
BM's behaviour is beyond what you can ignore.
It is destructive and down right dangerous.
I don't think something a 5
I don't think something a 5 year old said is grounds for a restraining order. Especially considering DH is 6'5 and BM is 5 nothing. She has already made plenty of false domestic violence claims in court but hasn't called the police for anything.
I am worried that calling CPS on her especially when she doesn't actually hit SS will look petty.
I am worried about taking other actions because this is going to go to court and im afraid anything like that will just make us look bad? Does anyone have experience with this stuff?
If you believe even a
If you believe even a fraction of what he said is true, calling the authorities is not petty. That is insane behavior that no child should have to see.
Should CPS and the police not
Should CPS and the police not be the ones to make this determination? I agree with beebeel: if you believe anything this child has said, you need to call CPS. Not hitting SS is not the only form abuse takes.
You are afraid to look bad and petty... Honestly, Solidshadow7, why are you not more afraid of what BM is doing to your SS? You are the adult - get over your fears and HELP your SS.
This whole situation is super
This whole situation is super anxiety provoking for me especially considering I'm pregnant. DH and I are on the same page that if this crap continues he's not coming anywhere near the baby but we also know this is not SS's fault. Its like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. If we yell at him for the behavior its reinforcing BM's message that daddy is angry and dangerous. If we don't, we are reinforcing bad behavior and disrespect because there are no consequences and he's getting lots of attention. Taking toys away really doesn't seem appropriate for this either.
And we're not supposed to say anything bad about the BM? In this situation I really can't see how that's even possible while still navigating this with any degree of sanity whatsoever.
First off, we need to stop the behavior, and secondly we need to help SS build immunity to this kind of nonsense. He does realize that there is something very wrong with mommy, he responds really well when guided to that information and has said it a few times himself, but that doesn't really help him with what to do or free him of the influence.
No words...
That "woman" is pure evil. I am sorry your family is going through this, and wish I had good advice that would help immediately protect your SS from his psycho/nutso BM, forever. That is straight-up child abuse by a very sick individual. Is she really suicidal or just spewing all the toxic lies on her son to hurt his dad? Either way, heartbreaking for your poor SS!
I hope others can offer helpful suggestions. Really grateful your SS has you in his life; he needs a sane, appropriate woman, not the suicidal abusive ranting nut-job of a BM.
She shows obvious signs of
She shows obvious signs of severe borderline personality disorder. My DH was only ever with her because she threatened suicide going so far as to begin cutting herself every time he tried to leave. SS exists due to birth control sabotage she perpetrated as a last ditch effort to prevent him from leaving when suicide threats stopped working.
Her strategies with SS used to mostly involve threatening suicide if he goes to visit dad or telling him how sad she is he abandoned her or how she was so sad she took a bottle of a Benadryl because he left her. Lately its been more general trash talking. Unless she gets angry, which is often. Then she flies into these intense rages where she threatens/ manipulates/ lies/ steals/ does whatever she can think of to get even.
First of all, no one can
First of all, no one can control any of it, and you least of all. So give up the idea that there is any way of controlling her.
Your DH needs to log all of this evidence and go back to court for full custody of his son. Start with getting SS some therapy and calling CPS. A 5-year-old who says his mother told him to kill his father is being emotionally abused. They may or may not take it, but it's worth calling over. But DH has to do all of this, not you. You step back and support him, and support SS. You don't say "bad" stuff about BM, but you can say truth - "SS, it's not OK for mom to tell you to kill dad", etc.
She is loony enough and has no filter, and there is a very good chance he could get full custody, and he needs to try.
Yes. I agree.
Yes. I agree.
OP: HOLY CRAP. This must be SO HARD while you are pregnant!
Please do call CPS! I absolutely would have right away after all that. Perhaps even brought him to the ER for mental evaluation during that meltdown and the ensuing conversations to start the documentation. IMHO that was an emergency - I am not one to run to the ER unless really required.
It is completely horrible that a small child is having to navigate that kind of crazy and it will have dire consequences. SHE IS CRAZY. If my child was dealing with even 1/2 of that I would try to get emergency full custody.
^^^I Agree^^^
with Tog. You can't control this. Your H bred with crazy, and he's going to suffer for that with you along for the ride.
Having a plan for dealing with it helps, though. Your DH definitely should document everything, report, report, report, and slam BM in court. Sometimes, the only way to deal with crazy is to go scorched earth.
I guess I'm not sure what
I guess I'm not sure what your concern about calling CPS is, or putting SS in therapy? CPS is there for real, valid concerns. This is a real, valid concern. Hell, BM here called them so many times on us for fake reasons that eventually they couldn't even come without my SO's permission. But their job is to get to the bottom of it and determine if a child is in real danger. THAT is what you need. A therapist can do the same thing, but right now you don't know what is real and what is not, so that needs to be figured out.
Here's the thing- It sounds like BM is being pretty crazy and most likely saying at least a portion of this stuff. On the other hand, SS is only 5, and unfortunately you can't take everything he says as gospel. SD9 (when she was 7-8) told BM that I hit her. The story kept changing, one time she would say I "Pushed her face" when we were upstairs, another time she would say I kind of hit her when my SO and I were goofing around on the couch downstairs. Neither happened, at all. But she was convinced it did, even though she loves me and we have a great relationship. Crazy BM here was constantly trying to PAS skids, so I think SD got confused with trying to please BM. There are a lot of other things SD told BM that weren't true, even though she kind of believed they were, or she just misremembered. When SD repeats things BM says, (and they are horrible things, about wishing I died of cancer, we do drugs, SD's friends are terrible and their parents are all fat, her teachers are terrible, etc), I just tell SD that having hate for someone isn't good, and we should find good in people. I tell her to not think that way, because hate is bad.
Your SS is talking about violence and killing, that is much more serious than what we deal with. If SD ever said what your SS is saying, we would either call CPS and explain what was happening and ask what they think, then file a report based on that conversation. And/or get her to a therapist, who can then find out what is truth and what is not. That's the only thing that is going to actually help the skid and get him out of this situation. It sounds like you care about him, but I think that just learning how to respond to him is just brushing it under the rug.
For starters, I would put
For starters, I would put cameras and recording devices in your home so that when SS has another outburst like this, you have it on tape. I would think that would be very useful (more useful than just you recounting the incident) to a therapist. The child needs therapy so that he can learn some coping devices.
Beyond that, I really have no advice for you as I don't know what the best thing to do would be. These are SERIOUS things - threats of violence and killing, a small child being asked to help KILL you, the BM harming herself in front of the child and blaming it on your DH. This is really scary. Unfortunately, I have no idea where the best place to get help is. CPS, the police, restraining order, a really good custody lawyer?? I hope someone with experience in this area has some good advice. My gut tells me you need to get the child away from his mother, but that's a lot easier said than done. I wish you luck and peace.
The issue is he's not filing
The issue is he's not filing to modify custody, there's no money for it. He's still paying off the 20K from the first custody trial, where the judge refused to hear the case and simply threw an arbitrary roughly 50/50 parenting plan at them and told them to sign off or else after BM withheld the kid for 8 months, lied about domestic violence, lied about child abuse, and even denied paternity after she FIRST named him as the father and filed for child support when DH filed for custody. Right now this is just a motion to enforce the extremely vague parenting plan, which she still somehow cant manage to follow. This is just a small symptom. There's multiple instances of contempt from withholding time, withholding medical info, school info, failing to communicate reasonably, badmouthing DH, dragging the child into arguments etc.