I am so. . . tired of fighting for my position in my marriage.
I've been married for 4-years, however for 4-years I have not had a husband. Since the day we married, the tug-of-war started (to say the least). My husband's daughter hates my guts and this hate only surfaced on the day I married her dad. He allows her to disrespect me in many ways but sees no wrong in her actions. He's been trying to appeal to me for 4-years to let his daughter come visit with us (despite how badly she has behaved) and my response is always with rage; then, I remind him that she must apologize. . . no apology, no visit. Long story, short I've always known within my heart-of-hearts that he would choose her over me if it came to that. Well, he refuses to accept that it's his fault that matters are the way they are and he blames me that his daughter doesn't like me. I always ask him, "Who's the parent vs. the child? Who's raising whom?" We have a 20-month-old son and I can recall during my pregnancy battling with my husband about him trying to bring this disrespectful child into our home (please know that we live out-of-state from the daughter) and it's always an issue where I'm further disrespected. Well, very long story short, about a week ago, hubby tells me he doesn't want to be married to me anymore [he actually picked this 18-year-old over me and his very own biological minor son). Oh. . . and did I forget to mention that she is not his biological daughter & he has admitted to this fact but chooses to continue playing the fool in this situation and allow this manipulative, dysfunctional, and deviant young-adult disrupt our home & marriage. I'm so upset and I would so. . . appreciate and welcome all feedback. Please know that it wouldn't matter [much] to me that she's not his biological daughter if she were more respectful and if he would have put her in her place when she first step out-of-line. He refuses to set boundaries with this now young-adult; so my thoughts are. . . maybe he never really loved me the way I so deserve. Now, what am I to do that I have a baby son that won't have his father in the household because of his father's poor decisions?
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Thank you
SoTired1
The daughter made various vicious, disrespectful comments that you may think of to degrade women. She also continued to send hate mailings (all sorts: powerpoint presentations, letters, pictures) ultimately disrespecting me about intimate issues shared between and husband & wife and he still refused to put her in her place. She continued with her actions progressively (intermittedly) during this 4-year-period and DH did nothing to counter her behavior, to discipline her, or to even take a stand for me. He only makes excuses for her behavior and I refuse to accept her wrong doings. He wants me to excuse her nonsense and overlook it, but I can't do that. I believe that the problem with this young-adult is that she does not have a life or even moreso, her life's mission is to manipulate DH until she's succeeds in dividing our marriage to divorce. Sadly, that's one of the major problems with my DH is that he has so failed to set boundaries as well as priorities in his marriage and his relationship with his kids and EXs. Thank you so much for your welcomed reply. I truly appreciate your suggestions but this child adamantly says she's not apologizing that she hasn't done anything wrong. If she feels this strongly, imagine what my environment would be like as SAHM being in my home with her alone for 24-hour-period while DH is on duty. That's just so crazy and senseless to me. If she hates me so. . . much, what is her purpose for wanting to come to my home? Believe me, she's been trying to move-in our home since the day before my marriage to my DH (when her mom told me that she believes that IT is a good time for her daughter to come live with her dad). This was the beginning of the drama and my problems with the daughter. So, I strongly believe that there is a strong motive behind her (and DH) saying she wants to visit; more like she (and DH) wants her to move in (permanently) and that's not happening. If my instincts were telling me that it is solely a visit she so desires, I would grind my teeth and try to allow the visit and bite-my-tongue during her visit. But, I feel strongly that this is merely a ploy on her behalf and my DH's behalf to have her move in permanently; which is unrealistic at this point. Thank you, thank you, and thank you for your response.
I am sorry for what you are
I am sorry for what you are going through. Before you give up have you tried going to counseling? I would start their, maybe with an outside person as a buffer you would be able to get your dh to understand your side.
He is going to love his daughter of course, and you are not asking him not to, however you deserve to be respected (not liked) in your own home. He also has you and another child who love and need him.
I have a ss16 who was never given boundries, rules, etc. on my wedding day said to me "you look upset do you think you married my day to soon"? no uh obviously you do ss. Unfortunately now after 5 years just recently my ss crossed the line and he is no longer coming to my house until we all go to counseling and some rules, and boundries are established.
good luck
Yes we've gone to counseling
SoTired1
Thank you for your comment. Yes, we've tried marriage counseling and the doctor also told DH that his daughter and EXs were trying to destroy our marriage. He asked DH did he want his marriage (a year ago, that is) and he said yes. So the Dr. gave him instructions to cease talking with both EXs and daughter via the telephone that he should write letters to them explaining that they would only communicate via email instead of the telephone. Long story short, he wrote the letters in his very own way and mission was accomplished. All the disrespectful comments, the pulling and tug-of-war ceased from all angles. DH followed Drs orders for about 6 months and then he started back talking to the daughter and the EXs on the phone again. . . and here we are facing divorce. I'm hurt but I think I'm more angry at DH than hurt by his actions. He is NOT FORSAKING ALL OTHERS, instead he's putting ALL before me as his wife and our child.
It seems as though he thinks I don't want him to love his child. He clearly doesn't get it and after you read my issue, you were even able to know what's hurting me and is part of the problem (which is NO Respect). DH acts as if he can't understand this. As I read the disrespectful remarks your SS said to you, I actually got butterflies in my stomach. This is the type of behavior I cannot tolerate. I was raised to respect my elders and my superiors, therefore, I'm having major difficulty overlooking a child when they have behaved badly and have been allowed to overstep boundaries they should have NOT been allowed to enter in the first place. Good for you in standing your ground. This is how I feel in my situation. . . I will be respected (as you said, she doesn't have to like me nor does she has to like the fact that DH is married to me; but the respect must be present). No apology. . . no visit.
Has he spoken to the dr
Has he spoken to the dr about talking divorce recently?
I don't know why they don't understand it is not really about the child so much as it is that the disrespect is allowed and nothing is done about it. As a bm as well I discipline my bs12 because I love him and want him to grow up to be respectful and learn early that things don't come to you free or because you cry and whine. I still have a major problem talking to my dh about ss16 because I am afraid of how angry he gets. My bs would never disrespect my dh because I would not tolerate it, just as I would not tolerate my dh being that way to bs.
I hope your dh wakes up and starts listening to you I would hate to see you guys loose your marriage over this when It could be talked about and worked on, if dh would acknowledge the problem and address it with your sd.
I am sorry you are going through this right now.
Sympathy
Hey there,
Did he specifically say that didn't want to be married to you because of your SD? I'm really sorry for what you are going through. I'm upset that he would leave you and your biological child over something like this. It's just wrong. Please keep us posted,
AWBW
His final words were. . .
SoTired1
My DH actually told me over the phone (last Monday) of his desires. He was on his 24-hour-duty tour when he said, "I don't want to be in this relationship anymore." When I asked him to be specific and to say exactly what he means. He said, "I don't want this marriage anymore." He continued talking but after he spit those words off his lips, I was floored and I no longer was able to make out what he was saying. So, I just hung up the phone. When he attempted to call me back (10 minutes later), I ignored his call and then he tried calling again but I couldn't bring myself to hear anything else he had to say. Well, last Wednesday night as we turned in for bed, he asked me what I thought about what he said. What a dumb question!!!! I thought for a moment and wished I wouldn't have answered him (at all) and said, "I'm married to a man that has chosen his daughter over me as his wife and our child." Then he said, "No. . ., I'm not choosing her before my son." So, what does that tell me, right? He is definitely wanting out b/c I won't agree to his unrealistic requests of his daughter visiting with him in our home without an apology. Thank you so much for your response. I will continue to post comments on the outcome.
Hi, I am sorry you are
Hi,
I am sorry you are having to go through this. Is he just trying to manipulate you into getting what he wants by trying to threaten you with divorce? This is very cruel either way. Your son IS his child, and he has a responsibility to try and give him a stable home. I really don't understand this man? If his only complaint about you as a wife is that you want an apology before his daughter visits, then he's treating your marriage as if it is disposable. He made a comittment to you that should have meant more than this. Shame on him.
Thank you
SoTired1
Thank you so much for your response. This is a hard place to be in and unimaginable. I'm thinking that someone need to pinch me and wake me up from this nightmare. He claims he's so upset b/c of the way I refer to her (in the same fashion that she has referred to me; repeatedly & degradingly). I know (factually) that she speaks of me badly and he doesn't get upset with her when she does it. But when I retaliate (in words-only to him, b/c I haven't spoken to this young-adult in over 4-years now) he doesn't like it and view and treat me like I'm the villain. One of my friends share your same thoughts on the manipulation. If so, that's not only cruel but it's immature and dangerous (it's a high risk of "no-return"). How could I possibly feel safe & secure with him? To protect and provide for me and [our] child? There's no way. . . I shouldn't have to be dealing with such issues in my marriage.
Thank you for your wise candor
SoTired1
Thank you for your response and for sharing your viewpoint with me. You have truly validated the numerous feelings I've been having about my situation. I share the same thoughts about my DH happiness. The ironic thing is that this is what he claims when I won't agree to his [daughter] visiting our home; that he's not happy. My response to him, "Well my dear, if you're not happy now you'll never be happy!" I think you've said it very well (out of touch with reality) b/c I've told my DH that he needs a reality check; NO REAL WOMAN will tolerate his daughter's non-sense or him allowing his daughter's non-sense. The answer to your 1st question is no. If this girl did not exist, we would have a beautiful relationship without ever having all this drama that has tainted our marriage. I've shut-down on DH b/c I just don't have anything to say to him right now. I'm very upset with how he's allowed this girl to disrupt our home and how he has forsaken me for her. It is a vicious cycle with my DH wherein he lets about 3 months pass by after he promises to leave me alone about this dead issue and then he'll receive a phone call from the young-adult (placing her strong manipulative demands; pulling & tugging) and next thing I know he's bringing it to me. Then, he has the omitigated gall to become pissed off with me and treat me as I'm the one who behaved badly to this young-adult (as she did me). I am mainly hurt about our innocent baby, who loves his daddy deeply. He didn't ask to be born and deserves to have his parents in his life (in a loving, respectful, and committed way). I need my alone time away from him to sort through this ordeal and maybe I'll be able to talk afterwards (there are no guarantees b/c I don't like the way he continues to put this person in front of me & now he's putting her before our child). Thank you again for your much needed and appreciated response. Sorry So Long.
Why is he covering a lie?
First of all I have a problem with the fact that isn't even his daughter, so I think we need to back up there. Somehow he has gotten everyone to call this girl his daughter, and especially since you have a child you need to correct that so your child knows this girl isn't really his daughter, nor a sibling. If it were me I would tell my husband, I support you having a relationship with her since they apparently have had one, but you refuse to go along with someone elses deception, especially since this involves your child and family dynamics, and not to mention many other things down the line. So married or divorcd I would correct that whether he likes it or not. And with ALL family memebers.
Then I would suggest he continue to see her at her home or meet her, but until she gets some help you don't feel its a good idea to have her there, and I would say all this as nicely as possible. Forget about the apology, her actions show she's got some severe issues which is a big red flag. So If he wants to get divorced over a ex's grown woman, then move on, BUT don't be a party to his illusions especially when it affects you and your child.
SoTired1You've really made
SoTired1
You've really made me feel good about having these true inner feelings that I've been having for a long time. Amazingly, we think the same on this issue. During my pregnancy with our little angel, I recall a huge verbal pow-wow wherein DH called me a deragatory name referring to a female dog. I'm not proud of losing my cool but with all those hormones raging within me (I was 3-months pregnant), I lost all control to say the least. DH ended up calling the police to the scene (probably to aid in self-restraint of himself). Shockingly, the police officer actually took my side and told my DH that he needed to set boundaries with his daughter and not allow her to disrespect me as his wife. However, as you can read it fell on deaf ears. I wanted to tell the officer that she wasn't his biological daughter which is what contibutes to my rage. But, I know that would have pissed my DH off even more! We argue b/c he repeatedly tries to shove his. . . well let me refer to her as ['dysfunction' rather than non-BD18]. I told DH that if he wants to live his life as a lie then that's fine with me but do not expect me to lie to our child that this girl is his sister b/c she's NOTHING to him and I would not lead my child to believe otherwise. He tells me that I'm dead-wrong and I tell him that he's entitled to his opinion but it is what it is. Thank you for your response. It's such a beautiful feeling knowing that I'm not alone in my thought processes about how my DH chooses to live his life [as a lie, cowardice to confront the truth head-on and to set boundaries]. Thank you for your advice and I will definitely incorporate it with all the helpful feedback I've received from other members. Thank you for cheering me up, I actually felt better after reading your response along with the other reponses. Have a wonderful day!
P.S. My apologies it's extremely late and I'm unable to proofread (too tired). I'm hoping it's a smooth read for you.