BM has a flat tire and DH jumps to go help!!??
Okay, so last night BM drops off SS17 since it was her middle of the week night and SD11 comes into say hi to DH. Then, SD11 is out the door, not five minutes later, DH gets a phone call from BM saying she has a flat tire and wants DH to bring SS17 and help fix it. :jawdrop:
The woman is nearly 40 years old and she can't change her own damn tire? Or better yet, call her boyfriend to come help her? And, guess what DH does? Oh, you poor thing, I'll be right there. OH YES, he jumps up grabs SS17 and goes rushing out the door... :jawdrop:
This is the second time, he has done this, the first time he went all the way across town to her house to help. I told him then if he ever did anything like that again, he could just freakin stay there.
He comes back in the door about 5 minutes later and I said.. Why are you changing a tire and he says oh, she called and said somebody stopped to help her.
And he doesn't understand why that makes me so mad?!? :?
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What a
Turkey your DH is!!!
One thing to help out in an emergency-but I think at 40 years old she can figure out how to get help-how about an AAA membership!!!
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
DUMB HUSBANDS
I know how you feel. When is it ok for the husband to help the b.m. if she asks? Are all husbands so helpful or do some actually say NO?.. Do most bm's try to cause trouble or are they just helpless? Unless, there is a crazy situation, the dh should be able to be nice for the sake of the kids. I'm new to this site and apparently there are no sane b.m's. Just great and wonderful! How come I didn't know this before?
There are
There are plenty of us sane BM's, I know there are quite a few of us on this site (BM's).
They won't stop it...
So you have to take the initiative. I made my husband block BM's phone number about a month and a half ago (she texts and calls incessantly to argue with him all the time) ...and it has been BLISS!! We talk to the kids through their phones only now, and never have to deal with that crazy b**ch!!
The s-daughters are 12 and 15, so plenty old enough to handle pick up times, etc. on their own. Anything else, we do it in writing now because BM is so crazy, you can't deal with her rationally. Wack-job from hell, for real!!
Oh yeah, I wish someone would have warned me a year ago before I stepped in this big pile of crap, too! :?
!!! I'd walk before I'd ask my ex to do anything for me!
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
As a BM. As a SM, if H has done something for BM, he just doesn't tell me.
If he rushed over to change her tire, he'd better just stay there, just like SRS.
Yeah, but
you have an ounce or two of pride!
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
hmmm...
Ladies.... I have never changed a tire. I might be able to figure it out but I've always had a man stop and help me. If I was your DH's ex and couldn't get in touch with anyone... Then yeah I would call my ex too.
Don't get me wrong! I see and know why your pissed and I probably would be too it I were you, but I know my DH would fix his ex's tire too. He says it's the "gentlemanly" thing to do.
And if I had a son, darn right I would call him to do it. Heck I've called my mother's exhusband (husband #3) to come help me when I was broken down once, and he's now remarried. He came, she didn't. I bet she was pissed now that I think about it.
~Don't fear the thorns among the Roses, but be greatful for the Roses among the thorns~
Why couldn't JUST the SS17
Why couldn't JUST the SS17 go?
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
Auto Club
I call NO ONE except Auto Club. ABSOLUTELY NO ONE. EVER.
That woman shouldn't be calling YOUR husband.
It isn't okay, they are
It isn't okay, they are divorced for a reason!
Two problems with this:
1) Once you're divorced, it's a question of recognizing that you need to deal with things on your own. It's a question of principle, and pride.
2) If your ex is re-partnered, it's a question of respect. Imagine how you'd feel if your husband's ex-girlfriend or ex-wife called and asked him to come change your tire.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
WOW!
I would be pissed too! That reminds me of the time when BM dropped the boys off at our house. (And she always sits in front of the house and talks with them before letting them out and I guess she turned her car off). Anyway after about ten minutes the boys come in the house and say "Mom's car won't start! And Dad she wants you to come out and get it started!"
DH says: "Tell your mother I said to get it started herself!"
My DH did not lift a finger to help her get her car going. She called someone and they came and gave her a jump!
I was too happy! }:)
"And this too shall pass..."
hmm
I agree with both sides..
If I was down the street from my X's and I got a flat I MIGHT call my X. (I don't have AAA and he lives farther than any of my friends I know). BUT him and I AND his new girlfriend have a great relationship..I'd prob. call her and ask her if he could come..BUT it would be my LAST resort..If I knew someone in the area I'd call them first..
NOW if my FH's BM called to change her flat..hell no..I know he wouldn't but he'd also tell her "call your man..call your uncle..call someone else..not my problem"..if she said "I have the baby with me" He'd offer to go pick up the baby and leave here there! LOL!
I guess it all depends on the situation..if she's doing it cuz she's still dependant on him..than yea..leave her azz..
"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"
I don't know...?
The more I think about this the more I think I am hypocritical. I have one view as a BM and and another as a SM. For example...
I had a wreck once after picking up my kids from their dad's and I called EH to come help. I realize that was a bit more emergent (as they were taking me off in an ambulance), but I would have absolutely expected him to help. I don't ask him for much, but I expect his help when I ask, which is hardly ever. I've borrowed his pickup to move, he's started my mower for me (not that he made an extra trip, he was there picking up the kids), he killed a possum for me (also a situation where he was there anyway picking up the kids). I don't mean that I expect it because he owes it to me as the mother of his children, I expect it because that's just what you do for people. Plus, I was single at the time and living in "his hometown" where I really didn't know anybody and had no support system of my own. On the flip side, I do his taxes, helped him file bankruptcy, etc.
But then I get ticked when BM calls for "help". But some of hers are pretty petty and really interfere with what we are doing. Yes, I borrowed my EH's truck so I could move, but... she asked H to HELP her and her H move (yes he did help). Some of them really tick me off because I think her husband should be responsible for it - "should I use four high or four low on my new SUV". But some of them I understand - "I hit a dear and I'm freaked out and don't know what to do". DH is just like that. He helps everyone, but it still ticks me off.
I don't know, I'll have to think about this some more. All BM was asking was that her EH bring her son to help her. I don't think that's unreasonable. Maybe the son should have driven himself, but if he couldn't, then I don't think H taking him is that big of a deal. She had just dropped the son off and was most likely closer to EH's home than her own home. It's not like she asked EH to change her tire. I'm not saying it wouldn't make me angry too, it would. But it's probably unreasonable to get too worked up about it.
JMHO
Serena
I think the situation you described where you called your ex is totally different. First, his kids were in the car with you and it was after an accident!!! That's serious, and directly involves his kids. I think it's legitimate for an ex to call if it REALLY involves her/his kids. Most of the time, though, our BM called (she doesn't anymore) for stuff that was total BS, not an emergency, and had nothing whatsoever to do with the kids' well-being.
Second, you had just gotten done picking up the kids from his place, so you were probably near there. I think this is totally legitimate. Again, I think if a BM just HAPPENS to be driving near her ex's house and blows a tire, she should resist the urge to call him up, out of pride and respect for everyone involved, plus the simple fact that that is no longer the relationship they have.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
Boundaries
I agree. I have very different boundries with my ex than H has with his ex. As in, mine are appropriate! I think that makes a big difference in why I view them differently. I think when BM calls for "help" it's complete manipulation.
My DH changed a flat for the BM once.
We were having lunch and she called, was at a gas station with a flat. I thought it was ridiculous because there were people there that could help her, wasn't like she was stranded on the side of the road. I was mad, but I let him go.
Now that I think about it, I'm glad that he did. She didn't have the kids. But she doesn't really know anyone either. She's a grinch. I know he would do it for anyone. He would stop and help a stranger........so I guess I can't expect for him not to help the mother of two of his daughters. I didn't see it like that at the time though, I must admit.
Now if she called with the problem we would just both go.
However, if she was remarried and called my DH he would tell her to call her husband! LOL!
I also think that if I were down the street from my x (which would never happen, this is hypothetical) and my DH wasn't near me, and I got a flat.....he would personally call my x and ask him to come help me.
I realize that through a divorce you cut ties. But, at the same time, I really try to understand and put myself in her situation alot of the time. (it only took three years to get to that point though)!
I'm on the fence
with this one. Personally, if BM picked up the kids and then got a flat fairly close to our house, I wouldn't really care if DH went to help fix it. Mostly, because the soon she is farther away from us the better.
Now, would this situation every happen, with her calling and asking us for help, probably not.
I could see how this would be annoying, but it's not the worst thing, IMO. And she did ask for SS to change it, not DH. If SS can't drive yet, I don't think it is horrible for DH to bring him to help him mom.
I guess I don't see the problem
My husband went to help his ex wife with a flat tire once. It's just what we do for people. Just because we may not like that person doesn't mean we should blow them off when they truly need help. To me, not a big deal.
“Every truth has two sides; it is as well to look at both, before we commit ourselves to either”~Aesop
I agree with Jen & ToTheEdge
When I was 10, my mom was bringing me to my dad's for the weekend and we got a flat tire. We were able to pull over near a pay phone and she called my dad and asked him if he could help her (this was before my stepdad was in the picture) and he came to help us. Once the problem was solved, he took me back to his home. However, if my mom had been remarried by that point, she probably would have called my stepdad.
I also agree with ToTheEdge that it sounds like she asked for SS to change it, and all DH was doing was driving him there to help his mom.
Well, to me
Well, to me it depends a lot on whether the BM is the type to always be asking for/expecting favors, help, etc. and is generally disrespectful of the fact that this is another woman's husband/BF now, not hers. If our BM didn't have a history of asking for petty, ridiculous things that she could damn well do herself (like walk her dog, buy her a case of water, go feed her cat, etc.) then I wouldn't have a problem if one day she called up because she was in a bind and needed help -- though if she had a boyfriend, I would expect her to call him instead.
But, in our case, if she called up and asked for something like this, it would just open the door back up to the days when she called for all sorts of stuff, and pouted/raged whenever DH had the nerve to say, you know what, that's not really my job.
Whether this is unreasonable has a lot to do with the big picture, I guess.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
Perhaps it is worse because I figure in all of the other things
he has done for her and that she constantly wants him to do things for her even though she is still with the A-hole that she cheated on DH with but she NEVER calls him, she constantly calls my DH. And, instead of telling her to call her boyfriend, he gladly jumps and goes. She is also one of those that is with a guy that is abusive and so everytime he beats her up, she calls DH and he gets worked up about it. She calls him at least once every other day and if the call drops or he can't get it right away, he jumps to call her back. Even though, SS17 not only lives with us, but has his own cell phone and so does SD11 but he says they ONLY talk about the kids. Now, I have three kids as well, and when I talk to their BF like twice a year, I can generally fit everything that he needs to know or wants to know into a 30 minute conversation.
But not DH & BM, nope, every other day, if I look at the phone records... which he gets mad when I do.. she calls and he calls her, more than he and I call each other.
So, the jumping and running to change the tires, etc, is just the icing on the cake. Especially when the last time my car broke down because it overheated... he didn't even come because he said he knew I could handle it myself.
SRS, now I would be hotter than your car was
about that!!
Okay, I see why you are mad. I agree with you!
Do they really talk more than you and him do?
Funny you mentioned the car overheating though. Because like I said, DH had changed a tire for BM before, but my car also overheated about a week ago! LOL! Are we living parallell lives? (And yes I know I jacked the spelling of that word all up)!
But he called his dad to come help me because he was alot further away from me than his dad. He didn't let me handle it! That would infurate me.
BLM thank you, thank you!
BM treated DH like crap! Cheated on him for years and he knew about it but didn't want to leave living with the kids. Told him things like she never wanted the kids then turned around and took them when they divorced. He took it so hard, he ended up drinking all the time and even got a DUI for it. When I met him, he was just going to court for it and I have helped him deal with the consequences and have been with him the whole time he had been listed as a felon because of it, had to go to driving classes and counselors and even drove him back and forth to work while he didn't have a license.
She even kicked him in the head once, right in front of her parents and she has the audacity to call him when she needs help and even worse he is so wrapped around her finger that even after we have been married for nearly 5 years, he jumps and runs everytime she calls "for the sake of the children." I'm fuming just thinking about it!
However, I do feel better after venting and hearing everyone's side. So thank you!
I think it is an issue of respect too
No ex should call another ex for ehlp that they can receive elsewhere, especially if that ex is remarried. When I was single I had AAA just in case I had car issues.
But then expalin that to my dh. He helped bm move in to the place she is living in now.