I disengaged from my SD12 and SD16.....I had to. It doesn't always work but it mostly helps my sanity. I don't worry about what they do or don't do.......I just keep to myself. DH has taken over 100 percent......so that is even more helpful. I don't give them rides to school, I don't clean up after them, I don't ask them to do anything, I don't care if they don't shower for 3 weeks...I close their bedroom door and act like that room isnt part of my house....the list goes on.

That being said, I don't even have time for it....I am dealing with the issues you listed above with my DD12,DD15 and DD17.....

Here is a safe haven of sages who have all been there and done that, and we are here to offer either a shoulder to cry on, or lean on. And advice. However, one thing to b aware of is that if you ask for advice you will get it!!!!

That being said  - welcome! Vent away and read the posts already here.

One thing that I have done is maintain my role as Step-mom, not bonus anything. But thats me, thats what works. Im sort of like the fun auntie that sometimes asks for things (more than once, SD13 munchkin has teenager brain). I am an adult in the household and need to be treated with respect and listened to as such.

Its important that you and DH are always on the same page with her and BM. He always needs to back you up.

Does she have repercussions when she doesnt do something you ask?

Also - as to showering and brushing of teeth, its up to DH to be on her daily.

And, yes you are right - things will get worse with time not better, so hopefully you can get her ona  better path before teen years.

My situation is a bit different, since we only have SSs EOWE, but one thing that helped me is freeing myself from the expectation that my "parenting" matters. To put it simply, my SSs will tolerate me when I offer advice, but they are not likely to take it seriously. I am not their parent and they know that. They know how I feel about a lot of things, because I don't hide my feelings about things like school work or respect, but I don't hold them accountable for those things. I also decided I won't fight with them about things like teeth brushing, showering, etc. I make sure that they have toothbrushes and toothpaste in their bathroom, but I stop there. I suggest that my SS should always shower after he's come home from a sports match, but I stop there. I leave it to my husband to be the heavy, because he's the one who can deliver the parental message, not me. I also don't think it's worth my time to fight with children who are not likely getting the message from BM that these things are important. Would it be helpful for me if they grew up into productive, respectful human beings? Yes. If they were my own kids would I fight with them about these things? Yes. But, I give myself a break with my SSs, because really, it's not my responsibility to make sure my SSs are parented effectively and it would be a losing battle for me, because they will never listen to me over BM. 

As a SM, I take the role of quiet influencer, which frees me from some of the parental expectations. If anyone wants to try to convince me that it's my job to do this things, I will either politely correct them or just ignore them. These same people are not going to BM and telling her that she should be parenting more effectively, so they certainly shouldn't be coming to me. 

In my view, the hardest thing about being a stepmom is dealing with societal expectations about what you should be doing. You "should" be playing the parent role, but you "shouldn't" step on BM's toes. You "should" be putting the kids first and that means you "shouldn't" do anything for yourself, even though BM's really "should" think about self-care. It's almost as if all of the societal unease with divorce gets projected onto the SM, because she's the easy target. When really, divorce happens, people survive it (even children), and oftentimes, their lives are better because of it. 

Bonus Mom hehehehe

NO one is a bonus mom to my kids. You are their fathers wife and I will make sure my kids are thoughtful, kind, helpful and polite...but never a 2nd 'bonus' mom.

So there I will help you with your struggle...be nice to them thats all, ok? These are bm's and dh's kids...not the 3 of yours children. YOU MUST step off and step back.

JMO

Signed bio mom, sm, and grandgoose lol

I'm not sure I can offer much advice because I recently became a "step parent" 2 years ago and the child is only 5.  However I feel like I can somewhat relate because I too grew up with a stepparent. My "step dad" married my mom when I was 3 years old and he never made my sister and I feel any less loved than the children he eventually had with my mom. I don't even consider him my step parent. He eventually adopted us when I was 14 and we had our birth certificates changed to say to state that he is our father. I too always told myself that if I married a man with children I would never want them to feel less loved because they aren't mine. However that has not been the case. I'm not sure if it's because my SS does not live with us full-time, in fact I only see him a couple times a year. But I currently have newborn daughter and it makes me wonder how on Earth my father did it. I know I could never love anyone else's child as much as I love my own and I think it's ridiculous that we put the pressure on ourselves and that other people who don't know what it's like, try to tell us that we are bad people if we don't love them equally. I've only been married to my husband for 2 years and I feel like throwing in the towel sometimes. I know it seems childish but sometimes it's really hard to face the fact that it's never just going to be DH , myself and our baby girl. It also doesn't help that SS is completely spoiled and disrespectful, with violent tendencies towards animals, and BM has a substance abuse problem and seems to hang their son over DH all the time. All I can say is that I have just had to back off significantly. I told my husband that I will not be the disciplinary adult when SS in in our home. SS is going to visit in a couple weeks for fall break and I am going to be 100% hands-off unless he disrespects me, my animals, or my baby girl.  I told my husband that I am not his parent and that he needs to be 100% responsible when SS comes to visit. I feel so blessed that he understands and respect my wishes. Don't feel alone in this. It is hard. But take sometime for yourself and realize that your step child/children are not your responsibility. Once I took the pressure off myself and expressed my feelings to DH, I have felt a lot less tense about my  SS next visit.

For you. Because being raised the way you were to have empathy etc means by nature you care and do the right thing.

its hard to get to the point where 2 bio parents screwed up in having this child yet alone wanting to parent and riase it.

just remember you can’t change the world... if the own bio parents refuse to step up and be parents, you should never feel compelled to step up to the point you are miserable. 

Your sanity and happiness is a priority, way more a priority than doing the right thing for skids... doing the right thing and caring and parenting this skid way more than her parents do should never be at the detriment of your happiness and sanity

if she doesn’t respect you- thats her bio parents issue to address. If your partner refuses to lay down consequences and basic discipline and become a disney dad woth guilty parenting, thats your partner’s issue to address