"shes my kid, i got this. just stop"

Ok. You've been dismissed on all things SD. She's not your problem. She can wear the same panties for days and days. If she ever decides to change them, Dad can launder the nasty things. When her "stuff" gets "sick", Dad can take her to drs and face the drs questions on kid's hygiene habits.

You'll drive yourself crazy if you care more about SD and her well being than her own father does.

Yeh I agree with both of the above. Effective immediately you are dismissed from all things sd. You can't care more than the parents hun
You are asking something small and normal and both of them are acting like you are an unreasonable devil
Don't put yourself through that
From now on
Who cares if she does brush her teeth, change underwear, eat veggies, get exercise, have clean clothes, whatever.
Buy three laundry baskets and only do your own
If you want to make dinner cause you are cooking ok but they know where the plates are. Let them figure it out. Or make them no food
If he asks just smile and say ' simply respecting you babe- you got parenting nailed down so I have stepped back. Sd is all yours to parent now'

You've tried to help it had been thrown in your face. He feels he has it- so you don't have to.

Your husband has made it clear that he doesn't want you involved, so just stop. If his kid's "stuff gets sick", (I love that LOL)he and BM will have to deal with it.

He basically gave you permission to disengage. You should stop-stop everything. If he can handle her dirty underwear then he can handle cleaning them and feeding the body they go on. No more "family outings," no more carpool, no more skid weekends for you. If you only get to play half the field you will only make yourself more frustrated so tell him "no" to everything.

So we have a lot of posters here who post about their kids and their dirty underwear. That has never been any of my posts. Never experienced it. BUT.... My 10 year old daughter turned 11 in Feb and we have a little vacation weekender on stilts on a river with a dock and it's about an hour away. She wanted her sleepover birthday party there. so six 10/11 year old girls . It's two stories and that's been about three weeks now. So we were over there this weekend and there was a really bad smell. Went upstairs and in the closet was a pair of the nastiest dirtiest panties I've ever seen and they were thrown right on some recessed lighting that is for the kitchen downstairs. One of those sleepover guests must of done that in embarrassment and did not want her friends to see.

So some kid's nasty panties could have caused a fire in the home!

Yuck.

Yeah. I came into my skids lives at 8, 10, and 12...married their dad at 10, 12, and 14. Never have I touched, smelt, or in anyway dealt with skids undies. Never even thought about it until I started reading some of these blogs. Of course, my DH does the laundry in our house (he always has...he loves doing it and doesn't like the way I do it...and that's fine with me...) So I guess it never even occurred to me that this could be another skid issue / indignity of step-parenting.

But, yeah. Gross. Do as the other posters say and think...not my kid, not my crotch, not my problem.

Repeat this to yourself, "Not my monkey, not my circus." Dad wants to parent, let him. }:)

Been there, done that (still doing it actually).
Ignore.

When I met SDs (ages 7 & 9) they either wore no underwear or socks or wore them for days in a row. It's like neither BM or DP taught them to change underthings, or clothes for that matter, appropriately.

SD12 is better, but then again, I don't check on her at all.
So she may be better because I don't care.
I do know she still doesn't brush her teeth. Yes, they are yellow.

SD10 I am more engaged with, and I do tell her to change her socks quite often as she wears them around the house, dirty. She does change them when I ask, she doesn't complain about it any longer. She does change underwear now every day. She also has curly hair, and I simply bought a brush and comb for curly hair and put it in her bathroom - and she uses them! Shocker!

I am mostly out of the bathing issues too. DP did tell both SDs this weekend that they had to shower, even commented on how dirty SD12s hair was. His next task is learning how to get them out of the shower after a reasonable period of time...2 showers of at least 20 min long is too much (I had to point out the cost of the utility bill he's always complaining about and that's where I left it)...

You just have to stop commenting, asking, demanding, running it by your DH. Cold turkey stop. If she smells, and you need to move away, just do so. If someone asks why you are moving away, keep it factually nice, "I don't like sitting by people with BO" or "You are smelly, so I need to move away." I've done this with SD12 several times. She gets frustrated, but the point is made. I did it nicely, so no feelings were hurt and the thing is she KNEW she smelled.

Once I disengaged, DH saw things with a whole different perspective. Although he doesn't say I was right, he is seeing things I previously pointed and is now frustrated by them.

Let him figure it because the more you point it out the more he'll take up for SD and be frustrated with you. Also, he'll have to step up and do things you did. It's a reality check for them.

Nasty.... swamp crotch.