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Engaging is horrible but disengaging is worse

step-out's picture

Submitted by step-out on Mon, 02/03/2025 - 9:23pm

Ugh, y'all... let's see, so Tumbles wants to come celebrate her 30th birthday with DH and MIL. DH let me know that, and that she's deep in a relationship with a new guy at three months. How do I express my "support"? First of all, I'm not engaged with her and I responded by saying to him "ok, I hope that works out". And... do I want to celebrate her and DH's birthday OR do I want to not go? If I don't go, then it's going to make things worse, but if I do go it's going to be the usual "show" with the three of them quite simply making me feel absolutely like s!!t! But, DH thinks she really does try because she asks me, "how is your dad or mom, etc." then, completely shows zero attention or interest in the answer. On top of that, it's a huggy, kissy, I love you show almost the entire time. 
I choose not making things "worse" by attending these torture sessions, but sit there with them and feel the biggest, deepest possible pit in my stomach. I really, even after more than a decade don't know what to do! 

Comments

grannyd's picture

Submitted by grannyd on Tue, 02/04/2025 - 2:23pm

Absolutely, Clove!

However, who wouldn't be 'icked out by the over the top love on daddy stuff...' In my case, watching a 13-year-old sitting on daddy's knee and slobbering all over him was downright nauseating. I soon put a stop to it, another reason for my SD to hate me.

step-out, did you ever discuss that unacceptable behaviour with your DH? If so, how did he respond (although I can guess)?

step-out's picture

Submitted by step-out on Wed, 02/05/2025 - 1:04pm

He said "I'm aware" but never put a stop to it. Barf. 

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Tue, 02/04/2025 - 12:40am

It's a reality of steplife that we will be attending functions we'd rather skip.  I have 3 SKs so I've done my share, ranging from ok to cant-wait-to-leave.  I justify my attendance by realizing I'm doing it for DH and he does his share by putting up with some of my less-than-great family members. 

But, aren't we glad we have a place to vent here on Steptalk!

LME01's picture

Submitted by LME01 on Tue, 02/04/2025 - 6:57am

I am low contact with my adult skids, and have the same reasoning - I do it for my DH. I am his partner and sometimes that includes being with his kids which I would, in any other circumstances, avoid like the plague. I no longer voice any concerns about their lack of social skills/manners/life experience/jobs etc etc I do not give any thought to their lack of interest in their Dad's life. I definitely do not try to advise or encourage or show any of the interest I showed them up until this point. It also means I don't react to the little digs, I'm not going to be killed by a 1000 paper cuts!

What I do is be polite and courteous and above all non-commital. They are actually all realising (DH included) that without me engaging with them conversations dry up - they have nothing to say! After their visit for Christmas my DH asked me if I switched off - I told him no, I just responded when I was spoken to.

I am there for him and him alone

Survivingstephell's picture

Submitted by Survivingstephell on Tue, 02/04/2025 - 6:27am

There are plenty in contagious diseases going around right now.  "Get " one day of.  Explosive diarrhea can ALWAYS keep you home too.  You need to outsmarted them.   

Mominit's picture

Submitted by Mominit on Tue, 02/04/2025 - 10:22am

You're there to support DH. Like a work dinner where someone brought along their ill behaved adult children. They don't know or care about you, and it seems the feeling is mutual. So when they courteously ask you about your family, you thank them for remembering them and give a polite, vague answer. Then you ask them about a recent trip you heard they are taking, or an event you heard was happening in their home town. A few minutes of that and you can go powder your nose or freshen your drink. If they say anything blatantly rude, a simple bless your heart, or "my, you seem to have quite the feelings about such things", and off you go, not at all perturbed or affected by those coworkers children.

advice.only2's picture

Submitted by advice.only2 on Tue, 02/04/2025 - 10:43am

Does your DH go with you on awkward dinners like this?  If your spouse isn’t willing to do for you, then why bother for them?

step-out's picture

Submitted by step-out on Tue, 02/04/2025 - 12:49pm

Turns out, there may be more to this little come to celebrate birthdays visit... SD has a really big, and yet another "gigantic" life change which MIL knows about but didn't tell Daddy yet. Fortunately, MIL slipped up and told us last night, and no, it's not pregnancy this time. Also, sure enough DH thinks his dearest little baby is "trying" with me. Deep inhale... long exhale! 

grannyd's picture

Submitted by grannyd on Tue, 02/04/2025 - 2:10pm

step-out, how can you be so cruel as to leave us with this cliff-hanger?! What could be more 'gigantic' than pregnancy? I'll be glued to StepTalk until you illuminate us! Out with, it girl! Secret

CajunMom's picture

Submitted by CajunMom on Tue, 02/04/2025 - 3:24pm

I attended these "events" with DH for over 12 years but a human can only take so much abusive and hateful treatment. The past 6 years, I complete disengaged to the point of not even seeing DHs kids. He went to "events" alone and I used those times to relax and do what I wanted to do.

Things have been changing the past 6 months.  I've been around SKs a few times; it was civil, respectful and superficial. I will NOT ever go "deep" with DHs kids.  I also choose wisely the "events" to attend, taking into account a need for a fast and quiet exit and plans to cover any situation that I can think of. 

Civil and superficial. That's all I ever see between me and DHs kids. So, no "special events" will be attended at this time. 

Wishing you all the best on this tough journey.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Wed, 02/05/2025 - 1:08am

Go, be radiant on DH's arm.  Beem your happiness.  Make the cockroach SD scurry for the dark corner where all roaches run when a bright light is thrown on in a dark roach filled room.  Celebrate DH and his B-day.  Give him a couples trip to your couple favorite destination.  Make it a show of him.  Then when SD shares her life changing looooook at meeeeeee announcement, just tell her "that's nice".  Stop playing her game and send her running for the shadows.

And... have fun!  Of course give her the bill for daddy's B-day dinner and thank her for celebrating her daaaaadddddyyyyyy, as a cap on the group grope evening.  Then stop for a romantic night cap on your way home from dinner.  No need to let "that thing" put a damper on your evening and celebrating DH's B-day.  Make sure MIL sees the flirtations between you and DH throughout the evening.  Just to shut her up as well.

Diablo

New russian

Dirol

 

step-out's picture

Submitted by step-out on Wed, 02/05/2025 - 1:08pm

Seriously.... I'd love for her to scurry off to the dark shadows - I believe DH is not supportive of his little baby in the corner though. Every time I point out her behavior he says "she's trying" - wow... ugh, barf. 

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Wed, 02/05/2025 - 1:52pm

Confront her.  Daddy's presence just ensures that she is called out and daddy sees her response and is reminded of her history.  Do not discuss it with daddy.  Make it directly at her and anyone else present when she pulls her shit. Of course that is also a great opportunity to throw in a gratuitous "Just like (linst incidents A through Z)."  Make it so she will avoid daddy like the pague because invariably you and daddy will be together.   Just keep her life full frontally in her face and the faces of everyone else she sucks into her toxic vortex.