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How to engage but not?

step-out's picture

Submitted by step-out on Thu, 10/17/2024 - 3:02pm

The disengaging is a double-edged sword post kinda hit me hard. So easy to not text but then you get a polite text, so I respond. Then, the visiting issue... it really is easier to attend then to have DH, MIL, SS and SD all upset at you. The thing is, I feel like complete s!!!! When they visit because there's soooo much focus on DH, it actually makes me feel like I'm going to run out at any moment.... I'm not good at being ok when I have to be around them all... it just in my gut feels bad, wrong, against who I am along with feeling mostly (except politely) ignored...is there like a secret portal all of us unhappy SPs can escape to when this is going on? If not, someone seriously needs to create one! 

Comments

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Fri, 10/18/2024 - 9:52pm

Not specifically a portal. However, it is all addressable.

I suggest that you think of it this way. It is your world. They are just passing through.  Those who matter, behave accordingly.  Treat them as just that. Transient in your life and barely tolerated in your world.  Do not invest in them except as they earn.  They can invest in you or they can move on.  If DH is of quality, he will adjust when you discuss it.

MIL and SS do not get a say, do not have a place, and they need to be categorized accordingly and dealt with as their behaviors stipulate.

Do not shy away from your life and do not tolerate any shit.  Be aloof. Make sure they understand that they are fundamentally irrelevant because they make themselves irrelevant.  Be forward in your world. Be present at everything.  Tolerate no bullshit.

They matter only when you say they matter and for as long as you say. 

Pardon

step-out's picture

Submitted by step-out on Fri, 10/18/2024 - 10:32am

You really help me and that advice will be in head at dinner tonight and bkfst tomorrow. Thank you!

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Fri, 10/18/2024 - 8:49am

". it really is easier to attend then to have DH, MIL, SS an SE all upset at you.   The fact is  they will be upset at you no matter what you do.  It's a game.  At least you don't have to eat shi$ and show up.You are telling them you just don't care about them.

Trudie's picture

Submitted by Trudie on Sat, 10/19/2024 - 10:16am

When they come, they are generally to both I and DH ("See, I am trying, I include Trudie in the text.") and I generally ignore them because I am not interested. When I have to be in YSD's company, we are polite and cordial. She never asks or shows real interest in me; funny that her SO is quite pleasant and likeable, he is able to make polite conversation geared toward my interests and I do the same with him. I think the key is that neither of us are 'in family'...maybe it's a kindred spirit type of thing. 

As far as disengaging, I just don't have time or energy to expend on those who show me I do not matter, but who will gladly 'take' from me. Thank you, no.