What is Too Much???
What is considered too much? BM already gets all of FH’s paychecks. We have them EVERY weekend. Then to top it off skids call all week in the evening after I get off work & want rides everywhere. Because BM is tired, lazy or just doesn’t feel like doing it. Excuse me but I work too & they’re not my kids. I’m so sick of my whole life being interrupted! If my FH’s at home when they call I’m expected to jump at their whim. I have flipped about this before & it stopped for awhile but now it’s starting up again. I don’t think I should have to stop my life to drive across town to pick someone else’s kids up & take them some where to have to go back & get them & take them home later when BM is sitting right there with a car & is just too lazy, tired etc to do it. Am I crazy or is this just too much?? When is enough – enough??? Any opinions or advice?
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What about your FH? Why
What about your FH? Why isn't he doing the carpooling? Why are you expected to do it?
***Life - It's not a rehearsal***
FH lost his driver's license
FH lost his driver's license & doesn't have a car. He gave it to 2nd BM in their split. It's my car. I have at times said I'm not going anywhere & let him just take the car...But then I'm sick the whole time that he's going to get caught driving & my car will be towed. All because BM is a worthless *itch!
*I know the voices in my head arn't real...But they do have some great ideas!!
Again, not your problem.
Again, not your problem. You didn't cause him to lose his license and it isn't your fault he was dumb enough to give his car to bm in the split. THEY are the parents and it is THEIR responsibility to either figure it out or make the kids stay home.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
i feel the same way. It has
i feel the same way. It has been a constant argument since day one. I don't feel like I should have to drive someone elses kids everywhere. I already did that with my own. I just think it's too much. It's not my fault he lost his license & I'm not the skids mother. All of this is not my responsiblity. I just wanted to know what others thought. I'm tired of arguing about the same thing. FH thinks I should give a *uck about his kids when the BM doesn't. The 1st summer we lived together I went to every baseball practice & game. She only came to a few. Then I drew the line. I said "How can you expect me to care when BM doesn't" It's been a constant battle...
*I know the voices in my head arn't real...But they do have some great ideas!!
i wouldnt do it. for me that
i wouldnt do it. for me that is too much...i would just make excuses why i couldnt. for me, i would justify paying bm cs when we had 50/50 because if there wasa day i didnt want to watch ss, she was our paid babysitter...i would just tell dh that you cant do it any more.
it seems to me that we have to "flip out" from time to time when bm and skids start thinking they are going to run our life...then once we speak up and bitch just like bm we get our way. i tell my dh...happy wife equals happy life...if he thinks bm creates drama, just wait till the day bm/skid runs my life, he will be in for a real treat!
Enough is when you decide it
Enough is when you decide it is enough. You aren't not responsible to transport someone else's children even if they're living with you. You can decide to do it based on mutual respect and appropriate behavior, but you are never required to do it and personally I wouldn't do it. You have no control over where they go or what activities they are in, but you can be the taxi. Absolutely not. If you dh wants to interrupt his evening to drive them around, that is his choice, but he can't make or even expect you to do it. My dh asked me to take Creature to Wingnut this morning because he had an early meeting. My response "call Wingnut and tell her to meet you early". Not my problem. Was he disappointed? Yes, but better to disappoint him then to do it and be pissed off all day. Someone wrote on here that if you have to choose before guilt and regret, go with guilt. Plus kids should learn that their mother should take on some responsibility. If she disappoints them, they should take it up with her and let it shape their relationship with her. If you and dh step in and "fix-it" she gets to be perfect mom without earning it. And it gives kids the impression that they too can be lazy and someone else will do their work for them. Just say no.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
The same goes for baseball,
The same goes for baseball, football practice etc. She signs the skids up for everything then never wants to take them. I raised my kids already. I did the running around all over the place with them. I don't want to do it again. I have no control over what the skids do but I should be responsible for them? Ah, NO!! I'm so fed up. It's something new everyday. FH had no driver's license so all of them feel that because I have a car that FH controls it. It's ridiculous. Oldest SS called on Thurs. night & asked could Dad take him to a game? I said "No your Dad isn't home & he doesn't have a car anyway." SS "Will you take me?" Me "No, I have plans that I'm not dropping at the last minute" I'm just so sick of my life being interupted all the time. I know that seems mean. I just don't think it's my responsibility to do everything for them.
*I know the voices in my head arn't real...But they do have some great ideas!!
say no for one month
say no for one month straight. no matter what.
you are treated only how you allow yourself to be treated.
I would love to. But it
I would love to. But it would be such a big blow up. Every couple of months I flip & a big blow up happens. When I am so fed up with all of it I just snap. Then he decides we should seperate. I agree. Then 2 days later he's sorry for not respecting my feelings. He comes back promises it will all change & get better. Then all the BS slowly starts again. I think it's about time for me to flip again. Baseball season is coming & I hate baseball. LOL
*I know the voices in my head arn't real...But they do have some great ideas!!
so what exactly are you
so what exactly are you afraid of? the relationship ending? he said sorry so it is ok? lets review here.
In your relationship:
1) you husband provides no money to your household as he pays it out to two different BMs.
2) He owes back child support
3) He lost his liscense
4) He has no car
5) You are expected to be the chaffeur for his kids
6) You pay for everything
I am curious...what exactly do you see as worth saving or staying in this relationship for? If it is because you are afraid to be alone, I hate to say this...YOU ARE ALONE...you live with someone who is NOT a partner. You are solo. And worse than that, you are solo taking care of other people's kids.
folkmom, all of your points
folkmom, all of your points are outstandingly excellent. I wonder this everyday myself. I wonder what FH is doing for me? Neither of the BM's ever worked & I feel like the whole family feels like FH hit the jackpot with dumb @ss me!!! I work, have my own home & car. At one point FH tried to convince me to tell my kids that they needed to move out so his kids could have bedrooms at our house too. I said your kids have bedrooms at their BM's house. So my kids are suppose to have no bedrooms or even a house so your kids can have bedrooms in 2 different houses? That was an argument too. I think the whole situation is insane. I think about getting out everyday!
*I know the voices in my head arn't real...But they do have some great ideas!!
Well, Now imagine the life
Well, Now imagine the life you and your kids could lead if all your hard earned money went to YOU AND THEM ONLY.
And what if you had your free time to spend with YOUR kids.
Whya re you sacrificing all your money and time for people who do not care about you, give you nothing in return and do not appreciate you?
You are ALREADY DOING IT ALL ON YOUR OWN....so lose the deadweight and do it better.
folkmom, we had that
folkmom, we had that life...before FH moved in. I know my kids are grown but they'll always be my kids & to have them feel like this tears me up inside. Thank you.
*I know the voices in my head arn't real...But they do have some great ideas!!
Stepmom1966, I just want to
Stepmom1966, I just want to say how sorry I am for what you're dealing with.
I hope you can find some peace and a way to resolve this for yourself and your family.
You DH needs to go to court
You DH needs to go to court ASAP it is againist federal law for his entire paycheck to be garnished for child support. There is a certain percent allowed by law to be protected from garnishment. It doesnt matter if it is for arrearage or anything FEDERAL LAW PROTECTS A CERTAIN PERCENTAGE OF INCOME!
He is in the process. He
He is in the process. He always gave both BM's money every week. But the oldest 2 skid's BM decided in August 2009 to take him to court in one state for back support & in another state for current support. She's just a greedy *itch! He is expecting the past support to be lowered soon. It just takes time. Meanwhile, I pay everything & carry the weight of FH & skids when they come. I had no idea what I was getting into really...
*I know the voices in my head arn't real...But they do have some great ideas!!
Then he needs to file an
Then he needs to file an emergency motion! Who ever is handling his payroll needs to put a stop to it! Payroll at his company is unable to withhold an entire paycheck - Payroll needs to be protecting his portion.
Current support is to be paid first
then arrearages
If there is not enough in his check to cover arrearage it explains on all the states websites on how an employer it to handle this.
He will not be able to get this money back that he has paid out but he sure as hell can file an emergency motion.
We had to file and emergency motion last week. and we had a court date set 4 days later!
He did file it. He does get
He did file it. He does get to keep about $60 to $100 out of his pay. I know so sad. They're suppose to be setting up the hearing soon. It'll help but then BM will just ask for more money. Before she took him to court, she could come over crying that her rent wasn't paid & FH would pay it!! I use to get so infuriated. It's just worse now. I just wonder when is enough -enough??
*I know the voices in my head arn't real...But they do have some great ideas!!
Crayon but you DO did this
Crayon but you DO did this VOLUNTARILY - Still scratching my head on this one
I would be damned if my DH allowed BM to get one penny more that she already deserved for her golden uterus award! One penny more is like taking 2 pennies from my kids
Why not let your VM or
Why not let your VM or answering machine pick up?
___________________________________________________________________________
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
It's so sad but I have both
It's so sad but I have both BM's ringers set on my phone to Mute. So, when they call I don't even hear it. I'm so sick of the neediness everyday. If it's not one it's the other. So sometimes I don't answer it but they'll just keep calling & calling...They all act like stalkers!
*I know the voices in my head arn't real...But they do have some great ideas!!
I agree with all the advice.
I agree with all the advice. You are not responsible to be chauffer. I also agree with soverysad, that the BM needs to take the fall for being lazy.
I wouldn't even provide skids with a reason why you can't drive them. Just a 'no, I can't take you to --- tonight' would suffice.
***Life - It's not a rehearsal***
Thanks to all of you for
Thanks to all of you for your responses. I am literally at my wit's end. I can't have another summer like last year. BM signs both skids up for baseball then everynight it's my job to take them to practice or games. I work full-time & do have my own kids. Granted my kids are grown but they're still my kids. I enjoy spending time with them & FH isn't happy unless all my time is focused on skids. I guess I just have to prepare myself for battle.
*I know the voices in my head arn't real...But they do have some great ideas!!
SM1966, I know you may not
SM1966, I know you may not agree with me when I say this....but I honestly believe that the strong dislike you have for the skids are not completely related to the skids, but because of your resentment towards BM and your FH for having to take care of their kids by yourself.
___________________________________________________________________________
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
i feel like I take care of
i feel like I take care of everything by myself. I work my @ss off, pay all the bills, & everything gets put on me. I just feel like everyone must think FH hit the jackpot with me. And I'm truly fed up.
*I know the voices in my head arn't real...But they do have some great ideas!!
Middlemom is right. You're
Middlemom is right. You're resentment should be directed at your FH not at the skids. They aren't making you drag them around and spend all of your freetime with them, your FH is. You and he need to set some appropriate boundaries and you need to explain to him the difference between his obligations to HIS children and your obligations.
Don't battle. Battling
Don't battle. Battling leads to "negotiating'. This isn't a negotiation. Tell FH now that if BM signs the kids up for extra-curricular activities, you will not participate in driving them. Don't make it about you vs. BM caring. Make it about you controlling your schedule and time. Keep it to facts and not about feeling for kids or bm or fh for that matter. Just state facts "I want our time together to be stress free, but I feel I all ready do enough for you and your kids. I work very hard and when I get home in the evening or have a free weekend, I need to relax. The expectation that I run around transporting children you had with other women is selfish and unfair and I will no longer do it." End of discussion. He doesn't get an opinion on what you will or won't do. He gets a choice to stay or leave under the circumstances. Sounds like he takes the "leave" option when he doesn't get his way, which tells me he is immature, but since he is broke and needs you more than you need him, I think you should use the leverage. Go if you want, but if you return the rules will still be here. My mantra with dh is "I will NOT live in a home where......" fill in the blank. It isn't a threat. It is a fact. I have needs and expectations. Do I compromise sometimes for the better good of our lives together? YES, but I don't let him dictate what I do or how I spend my time. For example, I will get his daughter from the bus for him when he can't be here in time, but I will NOT get her ready for school in the morning. She has a mother. Take her there. Compromise. I get some of what I want (pushing back responsibility to Wingnut) and I still do him a favor. You're doing enough for FH. It's his turn to give on something.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
He will leave if I say
He will leave if I say that...But he'll come back because right now without me he has nothing. I appreciate everyone's advice. I've really been going through it. My children are so fed up with the whole situation. They hate my FH & the skids because they think they all just use me. It really puts me in a bad position. I love my kids. All of this really bothers them. He thinks because my kids are grown that I should just cast them aside & focus on his. I really hate that & so do my kids. It's a really bad situation. So I really appreciate all the advice.
*I know the voices in my head arn't real...But they do have some great ideas!!
so you love your kids. you
so you love your kids. you are miserable and they are miserable.
again, who cares if this guy leaves?
what the hell does he do for you anyways?
you are not putting yourself or your own kids first. if i were your biokid i would start to resent the hell out of a mom who was so blinded by "love" that she allowed herself to be abused by everyone around her. watch out...you might lose more than your self respect...you might lose the respect of your own kids.
SM1966, he is just using
SM1966, he is just using you. If he is contributing nothing to your household financially, if he is making unreasonable demands on you about how you participate in his children's lives and activities, if he is unwilling to accommodate your wishes and needs and instead uses emotional blackmail (leaving and returning) to force you into behavior that wants you to demonstrate, he is using you. If what you are describing is an accurate picture of the man then you are dealing with someone who places your needs and concerns and the bottom of the list. You will always come behind his children as far as your place in his life and your children won't even make his list. This is a relationship you walk away from if he is unwilling to compromise and meet you halfway.
the good news...you are not
the good news...you are not married yet...so no divorce.
seriously, the best thing you can do is kick this guy to the curb and concentrate on you and your kids.
take a serious look in the mirror as to why you think you deserve to be treated this way.
Yea, have you heard "You're
Yea, have you heard "You're kids are grown, you've raised them, they shouldn't need you anymore?" Really? And your kids to another woman are my responsibility now? I really don't care about his kids - I care about mine. Just because they're older doesn't make them less my children. I'll always be their mother!!! I just makes me livid!
*I know the voices in my head arn't real...But they do have some great ideas!!
"You're kids are grown,
"You're kids are grown, you've raised them, they shouldn't need you anymore?" - his kids shouldn't need you at all, they have TWO of their own parents to take care of them.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
My sentiments exactly!! I
My sentiments exactly!! I don't think I should have to cast my grown kids aside to mother his. They have a mother! He needs to take it up with her if she doesn't act like one. Sometimes I think he's jealous that I'm so good to my kids & she's worthless. I think he's envious.
*I know the voices in my head arn't real...But they do have some great ideas!!
I agree. That doesn't mean
I agree. That doesn't mean you CAN'T do some things for his kids, but you should get to choose. Creature is almost 6 and sometimes she complains about stuff (mommy won't play this with me or mommy won't take me outside). DH and I both tell her that she has to take that up with her mother. If her mother doesn't want to do things with her, then she needs to be disappointed with her mother, not expect me to dump my plans to make it up to her.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
Stop spending money on him
Stop spending money on him and his kids. The BM should be well able to provide for the kids on what she gets,right? You love him, I understand that, you want the relationship to continue. I would consider what his efforts are to correct the mistakes he has made in the past, money really isn't an issue since it comes and goes anyhow. There will come a point whereby the child support payments stop. He might be feeling really badly about how things are going currently too!! I looked ahead on this one, the mother of the twins was supposed to pay the elder son's mother and did not. We did not grudge that money to her but it came as a shock, not a surprise though, when the court order arrived to pay off $16,000 that my husband had already paid into the household expenses,he paid it twice in effect!! I got a little bent out of shape at that, also because we were still paying child support to the twins' mother and we had them half the year!! I knew it would not last forever and that we'd be out from under that obligation soon enough. I had to look forward, getting angry at the current situations just ate me up! I do not like being 'eaten up' with bad feelings. All I can suggest to you is to think about what you really want, stop considering what others 'want' and look at the bigger picture for your own self and your future with this man. The kids will all be leaving home at some point and there will be just the two of you, how do things go now? How do they bode for the future?
Me & Fh get along great. We
Me & Fh get along great. We only fight when the skids come. He shares all the household chores & sometimes does more than me. He'll do any cleaning & I don't even ask. I'll come home & the dishes will be washed & put away, he'll mop the floor, run the sweeper, do the laundry. I came home the other day from work & he was cleaning windows! He's not a bad man. He's very considerate until the skids are involved & then he's clueless or blind, I'm not sure which. That's why I've asked, "When will they get to the age that they don't want to come to Daddy's for the weekend?" Because when they don't come he's the perfect man...
*I know the voices in my head arn't real...But they do have some great ideas!!
God Bless all of you. My
God Bless all of you. My oldest daughter hasn't spent a holiday with me in a year because of all of this. I had made a post the other day about wondering when the skids would stop wanting to come see their father & alot of people were very negative. I guess I should have explained everything that I've been going through. My children mean everything to me & I'm starting to feel like they will lose their respect for me if I don't stop all of this. I just have had different opinions. And I didn't want to seem like the bitch! I don't think I deserve this treatment at all & I'm not afraid to be alone. So folkmom & Constantly_guilty thank you for your honest opinions. I really needed some advice. My life has been a circus.
*I know the voices in my head arn't real...But they do have some great ideas!!
SM1966, I think this is why
SM1966, I think this is why I'm so sensitive to the subject of hating the skids....because most of the time, the anger and resentment a person has built up is directed at the wrong person (the skids)...and sometimes we don't even realize that we are misplacing the blame.
I certainly hope you have gained some insight here on how to move forward in your situation a happier person.
___________________________________________________________________________
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
but here's what's broken in
but here's what's broken in your thinking...instead of wishing the children stopped wanting a relationship with their father, YOU should stop wanting a relationship with their father. You own a home, you have a job, you've successfully raised your children. There are other fish in the sea, kick him to the curb. No sympathy for his situation. BE DONE>
i agree. but you might not
i agree.
but you might not be there yet.
so here you go...make a list of all his redeeming qualities. make it and publish it. own it.
and then read it in comparison to the rest of the blog and comments.
Agreed, agreed, agreed. MM
Agreed, agreed, agreed.
MM and C_G, you both have hit the nail on the head.
Great advice from all of
Great advice from all of you. I guess I'm wrong for thinking that I could deal with everything else if the skids would disappear?? I still feel that way. And I know that's never going to happen. I think I dislike the kids so much because they're so much like BM...Needy, greedy & its all about ME ME ME!!! I agree he's wrong. I've always thought he was. But there's a part of me that feels guilty for leaving him now that things are bad. He didn't always have to hand his entire paychecks to BM. I've always been taught don't kick a person when they're down...
*I know the voices in my head arn't real...But they do have some great ideas!!
not your problem!!!! and who
not your problem!!!!
and who is needy and greeedy? YOUR FIANCE!!!!
does he feel guilt making you do all that you do? NO
stop it!!!!!!
oh and he did not always
oh and he did not always have to hand over the checks...because he was NOT paying CS. which is why he owes back support!
He's handed both of the BM's
He's handed both of the BM's current support in cash since I've been with him. He did not pay the past support in the other state because he was too concerned with handing the BM's $$$. But they were probably getting more from him without the courts being involved. He had a different job at that time & actually made more money but the business went under.
*I know the voices in my head arn't real...But they do have some great ideas!!
You're not kicking him,
You're not kicking him, you're releasing yourself from a bad situation. He's a grown man. He made his choices with these women, lost his car, lost his license. He did all of those things all by himself. Why should you give up your freedom, your time, your money and your happiness to make up to him for all of the mistakes he made without you? A partnership is one in which both parties bring useful qualities to the table and compromise on the things about eachother that they don't like.
He brings you nothing and then expects you to do so much. He has no compassion for your feelings, your freedom or your children.
With all due respect, he
With all due respect, he doesn't seem to concerned about kicking you while you're down. You clearly need to relax and have some time for you and he keeps pushing you to do what is good for him and his kids. You need to take care of you!
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
I guess the main thing that
I guess the main thing that bothers me so much is that he wants me to quit mothering my own children because they're grown to mother his & I just don't want to. My kids can't stand the situation. They have always said "He's trying to push us out of your life to move his kids in" & he's actually tried that. My relationship with my own children has been strained because of him & the skids. I think they would be more accepting if the skids would quit staying at their house & being allowed to do things they would have never been able to do. FH doesn't think they should have to adhere to my house rules! FH's own brother doesn't want skids at his house because they're so uncontrollable, if that tells you anything. They are very out of control & I think FH has guilty Daddy syndrome. When they wrote on my brand new cream suede sectional all he said was "No-one can write with pen in the living room anymore" Case Closed!! No-one got in trouble for anything. Something will be said & then it's forgotten! It's as though my feelings & possessions don't matter! What can I say to him to make him understand??
*I know the voices in my head arn't real...But they do have some great ideas!!
I wish I knew the magic
I wish I knew the magic words to make him "get it", but I sense he doesn't want to "get it". He sounds like a bully who uses emotional blackmail to get you to do what he wants. If you don't, he threatens to leave and that is basically saying "I don't care about you or your needs. I care about what I want and if you don't do it, I'll find someone who will". In the mean time he is living in your home, off of your paycheck while his kids trash your assets and treat you badly and expects you to kiss their asses while pushing your kids to the curb. Unfortunately, you are allowing him to treat you this way. The only way he will change is if you make it more uncomfortable for him to not change and the only way to do that is to accept that he may leave and be okay with that. That is YOUR home. You have every right to have expectations. He is SELFISH and he is projecting his SELFISHNESS on to you to guilt you into acquiescing to his wants. He made poor choices. You made good choices. He is making you responsible for his poor choices and benefiting from you r good choices.
Here is the thing. Everyone has burdens and everyone has daily needs. Helping someone with burdens is a good thing. Helping people with daily needs means they're taking advantage of you. A burden is an illness, or a death in their family, or a serious catastrophe that has affected them (trauma, tragedy, etc.). You dh doesn't qualify (no losing his license or not making enough money doesn't count). He is asking you to carry his daily load. Doing this isn't "love" it is irresponsible to allow someone to dump their load onto you. And one person isn't equipped to carry more than one daily load. You've burnt yourself out trying to carry his load and it is affecting how you feel about you and how your kids feel about you. You and your kids should mean more to you than that. He isn't giving anything back to you. He doesn't deserve to be put first.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
I think you're right about
I think you're right about the emotional blackmail. I feel like I put up with alot of $hit! And I'm just not going to do $hit for the skids anymore. I know everyone will think I'm a horrible *itch but maybe if he actually has to do things for his self he'll see my point of view eventually. My 23 yr. old BD said "Mom why do you put up with those skids?? You would never let us do half of what they do? Why don't you say something?" Because I'm so sick of the argument. I've just decided when they come this weekend I'm not keeping my mouth closed. If they do some crazy $hit like write on my sectional again I'm just going to tell him until they are disciplined for their actions they're not welcome at MY HOUSE until they are. Yes it is my house & was for years before I LET FH & skids come in & take over...(that's what my Bio kids say) Why should they continue to get away with everything? I think it's his lack of respect for me & my home???
*I know the voices in my head arn't real...But they do have some great ideas!!
so i am curious when youa re
so i am curious when youa re going to see the problem is not the kids..and is him.
i am still waiting to see if you can make a list of all the great things about this guy that outweight the SIGNIFICANT negatives.
Good for you. If he won't
Good for you. If he won't discipline them, then you should. If he doesn't like it, you need to explain to him that this is your home and you love having him there and you understand he has children and accept that, but he needs to accept and understand that you also have children (adult or not) and you raised them a certain way because you wanted a nice home and you will not allow his kids to destroy everything you work for. He has a choice, he can buck up and take care of them or he can see them else where. If you weren't in the picture, what would he do? He'd have to take care of them, right? Show him that it isn't an easy task. Stay strong.
I agree with Folkmom below that this isn't the kids, this is the fh not being an appropriate parent, BUT that doesn't mean you can't say "enough" to both him and his kids.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
soverysad, I have said those
soverysad, I have said those things to him. That I raised my kids a certain way because I wanted a nice home & I don't want the skids to destroy it. Almost those words exactly. When the skids arn't there & we talk he agrees that they haven't been taught to take care of anything or respect anything but when they get there it all goes out the window....I will never like the skids no matter what happens because I've just built up too much resentment. But I am realizing that the majority of the problems are his for not being an appropriate parent. Your post was very well written!!!
*I know the voices in my head arn't real...But they do have some great ideas!!
Make a list of acceptable
Make a list of acceptable and nonacceptable behavior and make fh SIGN it! then when they start their crap, whip it out and show him that you AGREED to discipline and if he refuses to do it, you will.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
I think the real question
I think the real question should be, "Mom, why do you put up with your DH? As a parent, you would have never let us get away with that behavior. Why don't you do something about your DH?"
It's not the kids that are the problem. Their DAD is the problem. They act out because he hasn't made it a priority to teach them appropriate behavior and respect for others. If my three year old child did this to someone's sofa, I'd take her by the hand, get down on her level, look her in the eyes and say, "DD, what you did was wrong. You must say you're sorry and you will be put in time-out immediately after for five minutes. I'm setting the timer." She feels ashamed, she apologizes, and she knows that there are consequences for her actions.
When a child doesn't feel shame, they don't feel remorse. When they don't feel remorse, they don't feel empathy. When they don't feel empathy, they don't care. When they don't care, they feel nothing. Then it might be too late.
These kids are learning not to care. That's scary. And that's all their Dad's fault.
So hold HIS feet to the fire. Make HIM feel ashamed. Make HIM tell you he's sorry. Make HIM suffer the consequences. Only you can decide what the consequences will be.
you will have made real
you will have made real progress when you stop asking about when he will see the light or he will make change...
and start asking yourself when you see the light and are going to make a change.
i feel in all other aspects
i feel in all other aspects as a partner he's perfect. We're interested in the same things & get along very well. I think if we can make it through this we could grow old together peacefully. He's very attentive, helpful around the house & constantly tells me I'm beautiful & smart. Until the skids come...Then he's brain dead. I think he really doesn't know how to be a father??
*I know the voices in my head arn't real...But they do have some great ideas!!
I do have some sympathy for
I do have some sympathy for you there, our kids here have two different BM's and one of them did not pay the child support for the older son as it should have been paid and when my husband and I were together he got a court order for the arrears!! $16,000, having been apart from his ex for just over a year? He still payed child support to the ex for the twins even though we had them for half the year too. We did not suffer because of it though, fortunately. Sometimes it's better to 'shake your head yes and nod your head no' with some people. When it came to our major purchase, our house, my husband flat out told ex that he would not be paying her any more money. I just had to wait it out, kinda understand the situation as best I could. I know that the kids would have suffered if we did not pay her, which really sucks! We got custody of all the kids, their mothers abandoned them in our nest like cuckoo birds, and subsequently stopped paying child support. So many things can happen, money comes and goes, it's the happiness within that is the key. The major fights in our house are about disciplining the kids, my husband is very liberal and I am strict but fair. the kids have 'entitlement issues' which their mother's husband named as them being 'needy MF's' and I was a bit taken aback at that but he has a point. They are kids, of course they will take all they can get and then some!! It's up to the parents to create the boundaries, right? Ours know how far they can push me and how far they can push their Dad. Our boy asked his Dad, not me, for a friend to sleep over on a school night, friend's mother was going out of town . The kid had soccer practice and because my husband agreed to the kid spending the night I did not ride the boys home from soccer practics, injured back and all my husband committed himself to it so I sat back and let him!! It will not be much longer until my husband gets tired of having to pick kids etc. and he will start saying 'NO'. Our kids here can hate me now and love me later, rather than the other way around...