Holiday Schedule BM Drama.. Do we force the court ordered schedule?
She's at it again...
BM bailed and gave us full custody of ss's last May. Since then, she has bailed on just about everything else as well.
When we went to court, we specifically requested a deviation to the normally court ordered holiday schedule so that we could have SS's and my daughter together for all the holidays. (It normally gives mom's even years and dads odd years and since both DH and I are from the same county, we would have our kids on opposite years)... so we asked for it to be flipped on BM's end so DH and I would be on the same schedule.
This was granted and BM was aware of what it was and knew our reasons for this request.
Just this week, she starts pulling some crap. Per the schedule, she is supposed to have the skids the 19th - 24th. She is responsible for getting them from school that Thursday after school, taking them to school that Friday and then to their sports that weekend as well.
She is refusing to get them the 19th and is telling us she will get them on the 20th after school.
Let me backtrack a bit here.. she "lost her job" (more like quit) at the same time she bailed on her kids and moved 45 minutes away. Convenient, huh?
Anyways.. she is refusing to get them because of the 45 minute drive to get them Thursday after school (oh, and the fact ss15 had bball practice that night).. and because of the drive that Friday morning to get them to school... and because of the drive to pick them up after school..
Oh, and all of a sudden she has a job that she conveniently starts on Monday...
Interesting..
DH and I are both like "fuck that".. she wants everything her way. She knew the schedule.. this is not a surprise to her. Too bad if you just started a job and too bad that you have to spend so much time driving.. you made these choices and now you need to live with them..
Per the paperwork, if she refuses to get the kids at the assigned parenting time, she forfeits her time totally for that period. Is this mean - yea, probably.. but we have put up with sooooo much shit from this woman, it's like where do you draw the line? (refused to pay her half of extra cirriculars, has only paid 156 in support since May, hasn't bought any school clothes, supplies.. nothing!)
Do we give in and say "ok, just get them on Friday" and once again let her do what is convenient to her? Or do we say "get them Thursday or not at all."
Yes, we are aware that this may disappoint the kids. However, we aren't the ones causing the problems and shirking our responsibilities - she is?
Opinions?
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Comments
One thing that I have learned
One thing that I have learned after dealing with the BM in my life for the last four years is that you have to view every situation they create like you're dealing with a child. If you allow a child to get away with something that you don't agree with then what are you teaching the child? Is the child going to just decide not to so this anymore after it was sucessful? Probably not. They will continue to do it until you put your foot down.
She made her choices and now she needs to deal with it. If she doesn't like it then she needs to take that up in court and not try and manipulate a situation that she created to get what she wants.
I say stick to the CO.
I would stick to the order.
I would stick to the order. No more, no less. She will continue to do what she wants that is convenient for her, if you allow it. As for the kids, make it up to them with a fun activity...
We are on a "follow the court
We are on a "follow the court order to a T" kick right now because BM is so unreasonable & stupid. I wouldn't deviate for her. If she wanted that, she should have asked - in writing- weeks ago.
The issues of the CS not
The issues of the CS not paid, the school supplies ect are separate issues (IMO) when making your decision here. When DH gives his decision to BM, don't drag it all in as then his decision could be construed into being all about anger and vindictiveness. It's not necessary...DH has no reason to have to use any of that in his decision making.
You have a CO stating the 'rules'. BM has decided this particular section in the CO inconveniences her. Tough, BM. The portion of the CO is there for a reason. If she doesn't get the kids afterschool on Thursday it leaves the possibility of certain problems for the DH. He now has to find someone to pick-up the children, someone to take the kid to whatever activity is on for that evening and be sure he can get the kids back to school on Friday...all things he wasn't suppose to have to do. Yes, he can do all that, but the point is if he has to then the BM is suppose to waive the entire visit (think of it as Dad's 'reward' for being inconvenienced. He gets extra parenting time).
As some COs give the openness of trading and offering alternative time, your DH's does not. BM knows this. CO states waive. When she made the announcement to DH she was wanting the change, she knew the 'price' this request could mean. If Dad has to do all the things he wasn't suppose to have to do on Thursday and Friday (and it sounds like Sunday evening and Monday morning too as BM now works Monday) her request makes it impractical to go ahead with the visitation. She either goes as ordered or waives. I'd be flexible on an say her being late Thursday after school. That's one slight but workable thing...but BM is requesting far more than one small inconvenience she's asking for an entire overhaul. I'm not that flexible. Sorry BM, you just waived your holiday parenting time per the CO. I'm not going to trash my whole 3-5 days because BM doesn't want to drive. If the drive isn't worth having her children, not my problem.
She is totally trying to flip
She is totally trying to flip it back on DH.. accusing him of being mean, blah blah..
We haven't brought up the support and not paying for things, as you are right - she would try to spin it as being about that as well.. That was just a little history of our ongoing frustrations with this woman..
Dh and I talked last night.. the skids want to see their mom and she has already began the manipulation and is saying DH won't "work with her as she has a new job and can't get them until Friday"... so they are bitching and being jerks about it now.. We are the bad guys because we won't work with her schedule. They are kids and love their mom.. so, they don't see the facts as they are.. they just, as usual, fall for her being the victim.
It's extremely frustrating.. but we decided to work with her for the sake of the kids. The barely see her as it is, and to force this particular issue at Christmas will only hurt us in the long run.. sure, it pisses us off to give in to her once again.. and doing it just to keep the skids happy (when the don't appreciate anything WE do, yet feel soooo sorry for their mom any time she plays her games) is aggravating, but oh well.. at least one good trade off is, she has them for an entire 4 days.
DH and I did tell both the skids and BM this is the last time we are accommodating her at the last minute. We made it very clear that we are only doing this for THEM so they can spend time with their mom. Hopefully they see it as such and appreciate this.. but I'm not holding my breath.