It's getting really difficult to not tell BM off.. advice on how to keep my mouth shut?
It's no secret that BM and I HATE each other..
Fair enough.. I know this is pretty much the norm with these kinds of things and a lot of us have to deal with it.
BM also is total trash - moved away and dumped kids on us in 2010.. moved back to our neighborhood in 2011, then away in 2013. All because of her man - a man that has cheated on her more than once (she actually went to the chicks house and walked in on him naked on her couch!!).. not only does he cheat, but he pretty much abandoned his own kids and hates BM's kids.. Needless to say, he's a real winner..
Not that I really care about their relationship - just stating some facts that back up my "WTF" mindset on her moving away once again with this guy.
So she moved and gave up her kids to DH and I. But before doing so, she made damn sure she filled the kids heads FULL of lies and accusations about me - just to cause negativity in our home and make things difficult. And, unfortunately, it has worked. She continues to do this, as well as make jabs at my character each and every time DH and her correspond about the kids or schedules.. there is always some underhanded comment about me.
I'm pissed. This is all building up to a point where I want to tell her off - or at least tell the skids what a dead beat she is.. but I know I can't.
BM is ordered to pay a piddly amount of support - like 200/mo for 2 TEENAGE BOYS!! But that hasn't even kicked in due to the courts being backlogged.. she dumped them on us in MAY!! All summer we paid for sports camps, fees for upcoming fall sports, equipment, and don't even get me started on the amount of food! What did she contribute? Nothing..
The final straw was last night.. SK14 is trying out for the school bball team and his shoes are too tight.. so he needs new ones. Dh told him since we got him his football spikes, can we please ask her to get him his bball shoes? She responded with "NO, she doesn't have the money." This is her usual cop out - yet somehow she is always dressed in the latest fashion, has her nails and hair done and goes out all the freaking time with hubbykins..
It just bullshit.. I am supporting these kids to a degree because she won't and this bitch has the NERVE to trash talk me? And her kids treat me like I am some nuisance they have to live with..
I mean, how much more can I take and not just go off? I know speaking my mind will only backfire because she will play the victim and tell everyone how mean I am to her - which will only cause the kids to resent me more. And the kids just can't understand why I don't like her - not that I ever say anything bad about her, I'm just indifferent and they know she doesn't like me.. Yet somehow it's ok for her to bash me for made up reasons, but if I so much as think a negative thought about her I am the devil..
Ughhh..so I'm screwed.. say something and I'm the bad guy. Say nothing and lose my mind..
Advice?
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I can give no advice. I told
I can give no advice. I told SD's BM off. She was scared of me for like 5 months afterwards & basically kissing my ass. Then that got annoying so I told her to never speak to me again. Haven't talked to her since May. Good stuff.
You are lucky you have the
You are lucky you have the luxury of being able to do that.. I would love to, but it would only bite me in the ass.. BM has these kids sooooo convinced she is perfect and an innocent little victim of me bullying her when it is so the other way around.
If I tell her off, it only feeds into this false reality.
I'm in the same boat as you!
I'm in the same boat as you! I sent BM a friendly text once to try and sort some issues out (she was saying awful things about me and my kids in court stuff). She played the victim, told everyone I sent evil nasty messages. SD4 tells me I can't go to her Moms house cause I make her Mom angry and upset.
I hate to think what would happen if I actually did send a "mean" text telling her off.
I don't have to read the
I don't have to read the correspondences.. and pretty much have bowed out of all that. Same with the texts.
And DH has pointed out that each and every time they communicate about the kids, she has to somehow get a dig in at me - why? Her answer was "I don't like her and it bothers me that a person of her character is helping raise my children".. He did share this with me and I was like "WTF" - we both were! Uhmm, she knew my "character" well before she ran off and abandoned her kids and my "character" is paying for a lot of these kids expenses, but she seems to be ok with that, doesn't she? UGH!! Anyways, he told her to knock it off.
What I can't work around are the bullshit accusations she tosses around - like telling both her kids I flipped her off at sk14's football game - when I certainly did not! This caused drama in our home big time as the kids, as usual, bought in to it and I'm labeled a big meanie picking on their helpless mom..
DH has told them to respect me, but it's hard to enforce because they don't respect him - or anyone who tries to parent them. They were not raised right - if you know what I mean. Talking back, yelling at and arguing with adults like they are their equal has been tolerated their entire life and now we are trying like hell to correct it, but it's hard when you have BM fueling the fires to treat us like shit.
It's not that I am consumed by it all the time.. just when things like the basketball shoes come up or she punks out on yet another responsibility and I'm left with her 50%.. it still affects me.
I get it and have done it,
I get it and have done it, yes, I got a gut full once and did go off on BM. However, somewhere in the midst of that one time screaming match, I realized that I was dealing with an unreasonable, delusional person. I realized that even though she is the one that left, she was resentful, she was jealous, and she was that mom that felt threatened by the stepmom. At that point, I realized
how other people saw her when she talks about me and DH to anyone who will listen and for a split, and I mean split second, I actually felt sorry for her.
From that point on, I vowed to myself to always be the bigger person. I would never yell, or argue with her again. That is day I started writing letters to BM and keeping them in a journal.
The letters allow me to get things off my chest, but stay sane when dealing with BM.
As far as the Skiddos, if you continue to stand your ground as the better person and BM continues to act the way she does, they will eventually see the crazy start leaking out of BM. My SD has proved this to me, time and time again. Last way, SD says to me," Shenanigans, I know you tried to be nice and tried to be friends with mom and she wouldn't let you, and that is her bad"
Hang in there and start writing!!
You both are correct - and I
You both are correct - and I have written several unsent emails to her, but really, when I write them, I just relive it all and end up more pissed off. Ugh..
And it's not just the BM - it's BM's half daughter from hubby number 1 (that my DH adopted and was the only dad she ever really had). Ever since the divorce she took BM's side and tried to turn the skids against their own father.
Then, when he met me, she immediately began a smear campaign against me.. trying to find out as much as she could about me because due to my profession she knew some of my students. Long story.
So she spread rumors about me to anyone and everyone - even her younger brothers. So they hated my guts long before I was ever introduced to them.
BM even reached out to my ex husband to try to make him think DH was a horrible monster that he should not let his daughter around! You can't imagine the drama this caused and how I had to smooth all of that out.. I wanted to kick her ass for that in the worst way because she went and tried to involve my kid in her bullshit and you do not mess with my daughter - I will take your ass out in a heartbeat!
I have always taken the classy route and never so much as looked sideways at her. I refuse to give her that luxury.
I have slipped up a time or two at home when I wasn't aware the skids were around. I referred to BM as a bitch once while talking to DH and sk14 heard it - so I apologized for him hearing it and that I wouldn't have said it if I knew he was there. I also said that, unfortunately, that is my feeling about her and I'm not apologizing for that - she deserves that label from me. Whether you agree or not, it's my opinion. I respect that you don't agree and please respect that I feel this way due to all the hurtful things she has done and said about me. None of this changes how I feel about you or how I treat you.
Of course, while he seemed to understand this.. the moment he got a chance to talk to his mom he tells her I called her a bitch.. and left out all the rest of the story about how I didn't know he was there.. Convenient, huh?
While in a perfect world, eventually these kids would wake up and realize what a piece of shit their mom is and finally give me the respect I deserve, that isn't going to happen in this situation.. it's been too many years of brain washing and manipulation from too many sources to get them over to my side.
BM even blames her moving away on DH and I.. she can't co-parent or live near us. And once again, the skids believe it and blame us (mainly me).