Trying to figure it all out
Really, I am not even sure where to start. I will give you a quick background and then move into the juicy stuff. I was married for 6 years and I have two children from this relationship. We divorced amicably after he had an affair lasting over a year. I was angry, hurt, bitter, etc etc... but I worked through all of that and I am okay now and I think he is a pretty good father to our children and I think we co-parent very well together. Now moving on.... I have met the love of my life, the man I was meant to be with from the beginning and my best friend. He really is an amazing person inside and out. He has two biological children from two different mothers. Already I see this has a HUGE FLAW in him, but I have worked so hard to get past that and see him for who he is and not by the choices he has made. My oldest stepkid is our oldest kid in our blended family. He is 10. He has some emotional trouble, a smart mouth, and he is extremely small for his age. He struggles in school and in athletics, but he tries. He is a sweet kid and he tries to be good to me and to my biological children. Sometimes he has a mean streak, but don't they all? His mother is an okay person. She is not the best mother and DH cannot stand her at all, but I have had no issues with her. She doesn't make the best decisions, but she accepts me and teaches him to accept and respect me also. So you are thinking, wow, what do I have to complain about? Well I feel hateful and horrible for what I have to say next, because it is a huge complaint and I feel like a bad person for having the complaint, but I HATE being a stepmom, because of my three year old stepdaughter and her biological mom. Her mother is absolutely crazy. The first time I met her (over a year after I began raising her daughter whom she does not have custody of but has every other weekend) she ran at my car screaming and cursing (with all 4 of our kids in the car). Every time I have been near her I have heard her, but never seen her because I stay inside or outside or whatever the situation may be so that my safety and my children's safety is protected. She is homeless and lives with random men for weeks at a time. She is clearly still in love with my husband because she bought him a Valentine's gift (his favorite candy) 2 full years after the divorce and with no gifts or kind words having been exchanged in those 2 years...... psycho
Okay so that story could go on forever because her craziness never ends, but my issue and why I feel bad comes with their daughter, my stepdaughter, a three year old.... 3 year old... get that? I have known her since she was one. She is adorable and I loved her instantly.... until she started talking. She is a whiney, bratty, spoiled, entitled, rude, selfish, three year old. She has NO RULES. She is the only girl with 3 older brothers in our home 1 half brother and two stepbrothers. If they have a toy she wants, she screams for it, and her dad gets it for her. If there is a snack she wants (nevermind we JUST had dinner or we are having dinner in 2 minutes) She screams for it, she gets it. Many times she screams for it and she gets it just to see if she can, she takes one bite, says she doesn't want it, and brags to the boys that she licked it, or she had a bite and now they can't have it. When I say she screams. I mean she throws HUGE fits, crying uncontrollably, kicking, throwing herself on the ground, hitting, pinching, biting, pulling hair, throwing, anything she can do. She gets more attention than anyone else in the home, good and bad. She is with us more than any other child in the home one on one at least one night a week as well. She gets hands on attention from me, her dad, her grandmother, and everyone else she meets because she is so incredibly beautiful.
I hear her cry and throw fits so often that my nerves stay on edge all the time and I hear her crying screaming fits in my head while I am showering, cooking dinner, etc in my home. I am not allowed to discipline, to call her down, to brush her hair, to pick out her clothes, NOTHING.... I mean I could go and just do it, but if she didn't want me to she would scream at me and her dad would tell me to stop so why try? I am not allowed to cut her toenails because she told me her mom told her to tell me NO and now she screams NO at me..... What am I supposed to do? I cannot win with this kid. She is ONLY 3 years old. How bad can this get? I am at a loss. I have no rights with her. I am not allowed to try to help her. She does not accept me and based on her words her mom tells her not to as well as her dad my husband encouraging me to step back when she screams, which is every 12 minutes. (One time I timed it and averaged it out)....
So now that the full story is here, as little incidents happen I will post to help myself vent. No one gets it. I have no friends in my life who are stepparents. 
If you have advice, feel free to send. I need it!
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Comments
I really appreciate that
I really appreciate that quick reply. I needed to hear positive words of advice quickly! I have two boys who are in Elementary school and the way she acts is nothing even similar to either of them and they were completely different from each other, so that is why I haven't made the connection in my head that 3 year olds just act this way. When I mention parenting styles to my husband, or differences in parenting he has two reactions depending on his mood and the day. Reaction 1 - "I do the best I can and I do what I think is right." Reaction 2 - "What do you want me to do? She is a great kid and she is sweet and nothing is wrong."
If I say anything else he gets upset with me. His upset is not yelling, cursing, angry upset. His feelings get hurt and he is sensitive and I feel guilty for hurting him. I want to scold her. I want him to scold her. I want her to NOT get her way ONE time. If I step in while I am babysitting her discipline her the way I would my own. I get AMAZING results, but as soon as he gets home she runs to him and it starts all over. Frustrating.
I haven't made the connection
I haven't made the connection in my head that 3 year olds just act this way
I have to disagree... 3 years old DO act this way but NOT on the level that your SD seems to have taken it. I have a 26 month old son and if I can honestly tell you that on any given day, he will have 3-5 tantrums thoughout the whole day each of which lasts about 1 minute or less and normally those tantrums are directly related to the fact that he is hungry, tired or not feeling well. I think that this^^ is normal tantrum behavior... what YOU'RE experiencing is (to put it bluntly) spoiled brat behavior.
Now with that said, it seems that your DH is directly responsible for ALOT of this bad behavior, in that she has learned that if she pitches a bitch, she will get her way. In order to fix this, it is going to get worse before it gets better. You and your DH (and other kids in the house) need to ALL be on the same page, and when she wants a toy that someone else has, she needs to realize that she is NOT going to get it simply because she screams, and screaming gets her a time out. She may very well spend the majority of her day in time out for a little bit, but eventually she will get the point and CONSISTENCY is the key word here. Your DH can not do this for a day and then go right back to his old ways the next. Your DH also needs to understand that he is not doing her an favors by catering to her demands. He may say he is "doing the best he can" well in my book, he is most certainly NOT.
Do you ever take her out in public? does she act like this in public? Dear Lord, I feel for you and hope that you can get your DH on the same page SOON!
Interestingly enough, she
Interestingly enough, she does not act this way in public at all. She is extremely shy and will barely talk in public. She hides behind someone's leg and just says "no" and hides her face when any stranger tries to talk to her. She pulls away when anyone tries to touch her or get close to her, even if it is extended family. She is cripplingly shy. I tried to take her to a beginners gymnastics class for 2 and 3 year olds. If my hand was not touching her, she screamed, threw herself on the ground, and had a fit. Thank goodness the first class was free. Both of my biological sons took the class for a year and loved every minute. I couldn't get her to do it for 60 seconds.
The problem is your SO. And
The problem is your SO. And as far as your SD is concerned there is nothing a well aimed cup of ice cold water won't stop.
Yup, as long as your SO insists you are not to discipline his daughter your hands are tied. Although a well aimed "Ah, so your belief is your daughter should grow up to be as batshit crazy as her mother. I am outa here. And I am telling your first ex what her poor son is exposed to on a daily basis."
Your SO is allowing his daughter to rule the house. YOUR job, my dear, is to to maintain a home for him. With benefits. Although if you are hearing her tantrums in your head while in the shower then the benefits aren't all that great.
Edit:
So your SO plays the guilt game. This is his weapon of choice.
Her mom gets her every other
Her mom gets her every other weekend and DH lets her go to her mom's every Tuesday that she isn't having what our 3 boys call a "crazy fit". She randomly leaves the state for 3-4 weeks swearing she will never be back, but then coming back and demanding her weekend visits. DH is a pushover and takes her to whatever gas station she wants to meet him at to let her have an overnight visit.
HAHAHA. I WOULD LOVE TO DO
HAHAHA. I WOULD LOVE TO DO THAT!!! The only issue is, DH is a Social Worker for DSS. He might see a problem with that. Hahaha.
I also love the quote "Children are like farts, your own are bearable, but everyone else's are horrendous!"
I disagree that this is
I disagree that this is normal toddler behavior. Is a three yr old going to press your buttons, throw fits, act out, be a brat?? Yes but not to that extreme. This three year old does not sound like a typical toddler. She's sounds like an out of control, disrespectful, spoiled brat. I have helped raise many toddlers and I have a 3 1/2 yr old myself (daughter) and a almost 2 yr old daughter as well. My 3 yr old can drive me absolutely crazy at times but she is hardly ever disrespectful, mean, angry, screaming at the top of het lungs. She throws fits, cries, runs away, will not answer but this is NOT an all day behavior. She is very kind, caring, helpful, respectful, bright, ect. And trust me she is spoiled but she is also TAUGHT HOW TO BEHAVE. Unless your DH gets on board and you demand for his daughter to respect you, I don't see your situation changing. If my child acted like this towards anyone, she would be in huge trouble. I do not believe in spanking as a main consequence, just when absolutely needed. Time outs, talks, losing privileges, ect is the way I handle my kids. Everyone I know says that when their toddler acts crazy that its normal. I really disagree. Your child acts how you allow it to. End of story. I'm sorry you are being put thru this and I'm sorry your DH is so insensitive to yours feelings and needs. Have you talked to him about setting rules, consequences, boundaries with BM, ect?? Would he allow your kids to act this way?? And does he disapline, take care of, help with or tell your kids what to do?? Seeming how his princess is off limits and is to only be treated like royalty?? Ugh id be furious if I were you if my husband allowed someone, even a 3 yr old, to treat me and act that way in MY HOME...
To answer the discipline
To answer the discipline question. We discipline the 3 other boys in the home together and on the same page. Those boys all have supportive and open co-parents. Everyone is on the same page and we work together to make sure they are doing the right things and being raised to be thoughtful, caring, responsible, athletic, and studious boys. They are amazing little men. She has a different parent than any of them (her mom is bat sh*t crazy) and has no parenting skills accompanied by a pushover father. Maybe she never had a chance. Oh and we do not spank any of the children. I have spanked mine on occasion. Neither of his has ever been spanked. Honestly my BS5 is golden. He has never done anything to warrant spanking. He is a pleaser. My BS8 and SS10, definitely needed a couple of spankings before. Sometimes I think maybe I just don't like girls. I love the three boys and enjoy every minute with them. I dread time with the girl like getting teeth pulled. He is going to pick her up at 6:30 today and the headache is already setting in.