Disney Dishonesty
I just realized something DH does that contributes to my SD's special princess syndrome. And yet another thing that I hate about being a stepmom.
So she's now 10, (I met her at 4) and is expressing increased interest in performing, singing, dancing, acting etc. She has been taking piano lessons privately for more than 2 years. She hardly practices (maybe 40 minutes per week) but seems to have some musical ability and keeps getting better, which is great. I don't love paying so much for private lessons when the kid literally cannot be bothered to practice, but not my problem. She also loves singing and joined her school choir, but she's not terribly good. I think what she loves is performing and having Daddy and Mommy and anyone else who will participate, clap and cheer for her. She has almost no interest in the musical process itself.
So she had school musical audition last week- and she had a song to learn for it, that she had to perform for the room of evaluators. Glad she has the guts to try out. She sang her audition song once for DH and his only feedback was, you guessed it, "That's GREAT, sweetie!" and so she didn't practice anymore. (I heard her in the background, it was off key and needed major help.)
He called her at BM's last night to find out the results of the auditions. She wanted a certain main part and she didn't get it. She apparently got what is a small, chorus part- like a bit part without much singing and no solos and few lines. DH's reaction was instead of saying "oh, SD, sorry you didn't get the part you wanted. Practice harder next year and you'll get a better part" he said, "that's GREAT, sweetie! I am SO proud of you! So this part is (smaller and less interesting,) EVEN BETTER than the one you wanted, because you get to act silly and you don't have to learn so many lines...!" and so on.
SO rather than use it as a teachable moment, he praised the crap out of her for getting like the smallest part in the play. I'm not saying it's bad to teach your kids optimism and making lemonade out of lemons, but really?? Is it me or is this just "every kid gets a trophy" behavior?
So next time I see her, we're going to have to make a BIG DEAL out of this too. (It's what we do!) And when we go see her show in a couple months, we will have to bring her a big bouquet of flowers and treat her like the star of the show. This girl just doesn't have to live in reality. So annoying. And there's really not that much I can do other than sit back and roll my eyes. If I were to drop any honesty on her she'd take offense and DH would too. Anyone else notice their DH doing this? Isn't he in a sense protecting her from success by refusing to ever acknowledge her failures?
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This is not every kid gets a
This is not every kid gets a trophy.
This is a parent realizing that his child may have felt bad. Instead of shitting on her, he turned lemons into Lemonade.
Hopefully,when the next show comes along, he will take the time to say, "Hey,remember how you felt the last time? Perhaps you should practice a bit more so that you dont have the same outcome"
Well it's an example. What if
Well it's an example. What if this happens every time she attempts anything? (it happened last year too.)
Then is it Trophy Parenting? Because that's how it goes in our family. She is never criticized, only praised. Every thing she does is praised. She expects a "Wow, great job!" for every thing.
I sort of got that too...
I sort of got that too... sometimes it isn't the time to teach a lesson. Sometimes it's the time for a parent to make their kid feel better about a disappointment. Maybe at a later date the time comes for coaching on how they could do better in the future.
I mean, think from the kid's pov. Maybe they think they DID put in a great effort and they really wanted that part.. and they are really down about not making it and beating themselves up or whatever. So, there you are as a teen when everything is the end of the world and you feel crushed by rejection and your dad comes in and tries to turn it into a "learning experience"... while that might in reality be true advice, it may not be the time to give it.
She is already experiencing the real world where she doesn't always get the golden ring. I really don't see the need for dad to pour salt on her wounds so to speak.
However I def think the "this
However I def think the "this part is even better!" Is overkill... And that making a HUGE deal out of it might defeat the purpose of reality hitting her. Just a simple "I'm proud of you for making the play." Might be better than treating her like she walks on gold. Because if she's looking for attention and she got it, then she's never going to learn the lesson and value of hard work imho. It's like teaching her to settle for mediocrity, in my eyes... I think there's a balance in this... Where you don't crush her and you console her a little bit, but also teach her hard-work is the key to success. If that makes sense.
I get it.. he probably went a
I get it.. he probably went a bit overboard in trying to show her the silver lining in getting the part she did instead of the one she wanted.
I would agree with you IF
I would agree with you IF this kid had been practicing and trying hard to get the main part. She didn't practice, thanks in part to her parents blowing sunshine up her rear, and got what she deserved for not practicing.
I think Dad could have approached it as, "I'm sorry you didn't get the part you wanted, but it's exciting that you do have a part! I want you to tell me all about the part you got, and next time I'll help you practice harder so you get the part you really want."
YES! Thank you - this is what
YES! Thank you - this is what I was trying to say.
She did NOT work hard for this audition- and when she did practice (the ONE time- for DH) - he gave her ZERO constructive criticism, per usual. He said, "that's great!!" So I think she thought it was fantastic. I don't know if he thought it was fantastic or not, but she sounded totally off key and she barely knew the words, and the phrasing was terrible. I just smiled because my input isn't welcome unless it's praise. This is how she approaches everything, yet we always just praise praise praise- sunshine up rear indeed... And that's why I think it was a silly and unrealistic response by DH. No one is ever honest with her.
DH is pretty honest with the other 2. I guess he's doing them a favor, I think he's doing it because he knows in a million years I'm not praising my kids for putting in a half-assed effort.
I guess I'm only bitching about this because I'M expected to blow constant sunshine up SD's cute little tush too, and it's exhausting to me. (And becoming quite expensive - she has many things she is half-heartedly interested in and DH is willing to pay for.)
This girl just doesn't live
This girl just doesn't live in reality.
^^^^^^^
That is because of your DH.
He is definitely doing her a disservice.
Lets just say IF my SS
Lets just say IF my SS murdered someone. My DH would praise him and say how PROUD he was that SS only killed one person and not two. Lol. He really did do that for grades and things. If SS got a D in a class, DH would make a big deal of how proud he was that SS did not make a F in the class.
But for something like this, I think your DH did ok. He could have said something beside “EVEN BETTER than the one you wanted, because you get to act silly and you don't have to learn so many lines”
"congratulations!!! You
"congratulations!!! You aren't the serial killer we thought you'd become!"
ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love it! I hanker for the
Love it! I hanker for the good ol' days where one NEVER praised mediocracy.
Clearly so do I! lol
Clearly so do I! lol
"congratulations!!! You
"congratulations!!! You aren't the serial killer we thought you'd become!" Eye-wink
+++++++++++++++++++++++
Exactly!! lol
Hahaha - omg well lets just
Hahaha - omg well lets just hope he never goes that far!!!
Oh, but I forgot to add that he then turned around and gives me the report from his phone call with her (part of which i was there for, but could not obviously hear her on the other end but it was happening in the kitchen in front of me) which is also sugar-coated with his lack of reality- when I know she actually wanted the other part.
He says to me, "She got this OTHER PART THAT's (tiny, no lines, minimal singing) and EVEN BETTER so it's so GREAT for her!" etc etc and I think that's his way of praising her to the whole family yet again and making sure she still walks on water. Because we never criticize anything she does.
"better luck next time, SD"
"better luck next time, SD"
Gah, this is totally how BM
Gah, this is totally how BM and SO treat my SD, it is a disservice to SD. I completely understand not wanting to hurt a child's feelings but they also need to learn to work for what they want. My SD didn't make competitive cheer. She was even given the opportunity to practice with the competitive team for 2 weeks and possibly be on the team if her moves improved. I never once saw her practice the moves in front of a mirror like we suggested. I also know that after the coaches told her she didn't make the team but could possibly if she improved she showed up at the next practice and cried and pouted through it instead of sucking it up and trying to improve. After the 2 weeks she hadn't improved enough and she still didn't make it. SD blamed it on the coaches for not showing her what was wrong and not showing her what to do and "promising her a spot" and then not giving it to her. SD had a D in Math but that was the teacher's fault b/c she would ask her how to do it and the teacher was to busy and didn't tell her...NO WAY would I let these excuses fly for my BS who is the same exact age. Guess what...he had a D in reading at interim time and tried blaming it on the teacher...I told him that he needed to figure out what he could do to bring that grade up and if it wasn't improved by final grading time he would be losing xbox privileges and I would contact his teachers as well. He knew it was on him as well. The first teacher I e-mailed responded with "yes, he is able to make up the missing assignments and he has already completed 2 of them today". He knew that I meant what I said.
I think that's the issue to
I think that's the issue to me, I would never (and do not) parent my kids this way - so the contrast is striking sometimes. DH is their dad too, and he never sugar coats things that way for them.
Clearly this is the Daddy Guilt thing he's always done as his way of handling SD.
It's not all bad I suppose- like others and I originally said- nothing wrong w/ learning to make lemonade- in fact that's great! But when you don't instill a growth mentality in your child young, you're kind of depriving them of a chance to do better. I don't even know if SD realizes that part of her success will eventually be dependent on her putting in more time and effort.
Oh well. NMKNMP
That is totally my issue with
That is totally my issue with it as well. He doesn't treat my son with those mittens or our son that we have together that way. It is totally from a guilty place that has been forced onto him via BM and SD and their manipulation. Can't ever hurt SD's feefees with the TRUTH!!!! I don't care if he praises her for things she has actually worked/practiced and accomplished like her gymnastics! Yes, she is good at that and that is why she thought she should automatically be on competitive cheer team. However, her actual cheers weren't up to par and they judge EVERYTHING!
I agree, it is depriving them of learning to grow, you can still make it a positive learning experience as other's stated with enforcing that practicing actually working for it. I also get annoyed that his constant praise and non parenting of SD while still parenting the others does actually affect my older son (same age as SD)...he doesn't get why SD doesn't get in trouble or isn't expected to do things like he is...I've had to explain to him multiple times that he is MY son and I am only trying to help him grow into a responsible adult and that how SD turns out isn't on me. Like you my input with SD is only embraced if I am acting as if she farts out rainbows and is super special! It is super exhausting!
My skids both excelled at
My skids both excelled at sports. They are both very athletic and got scholarships to Uni.
BM would fight with the coaches, tell them that her kids deserved more playing time because they were better. She would always tell the skids how great they were and that the coach was an idiot.
DH was the opposite, he helped coach SS and knew when the skids were playing well and when they were playing like shite.
The thing was, the kids knew too. They knew if they played well, they knew when they were being lazy.
They knew they had to practice and they knew if they didn't they'd be cut. Their team mates let them know and so did the coaches.
It's fine to be your kids cheerleader but there is a fine line between being a cheerleader and blowing sunshine up your kids a$$
You describe my DH with his
You describe my DH with his ADULT kids.
New job washing dishes? That's great. Your last manager was a jerk so I'm glad you quit. You'll be a chef in no time! (And DH goes out to buy him a chef's coat. True story.)
LMAO
LMAO
Sounds like Chef..."YSS is
Sounds like Chef..."YSS is going to be a great baseball player!" went out and bought all this fancy baseball equipment. Kid COULD NOT catch a ball to save his life never mind hit.
I had to turn away to keep from bursting out laughing (which is what MY family would have done) whilst YSS was 8" away from Chef, closing his eyes and having the ball drop between his legs 20, 30, 40 times in a row at age almost 7.
Yep, DH bought SD(then 12)
Yep, DH bought SD(then 12) all this new running gear because she "joined" track.
Spent $$.
I warned him that he needs to make sure she'll actually do it because she's quit everything else without finishing.
"Oh, she'll do it!"
Yeah, two weeks later she announced she's quit track b/c it's too hard.
All her gear went to waste. She wore some of it to sleep in and that's it.
This sounds exactly like my
This sounds exactly like my husband. SD9 can do no wrong. Everything she does it wonderful and special and she has no room for improvement (in his mind). Sometimes I can't believe the things I hear him praising her for.He never uses anything as a teaching moment and he doesn't encourage her to better herself in any way. He has the same standards for her as we have for DD4 regarding household chores and abilities.
In your example, I can MAYBE see how your husband wanted to boost your SD's mood in case she was disappointed about not getting the part. But I wish he would have realized that he could have helped her get the part she wanted by making her practice more before her audition, rather than lie to her about how good she actually was. There is nothing wrong with giving a child this age some constructive criticism and helping them improve.
You know exactly what I live
You know exactly what I live with then. DD3 is doing the same level chores as SD10. AND that's only because I let DH know I thought SD should be doing some sort of chores by now. She used to literally contribute nothing to the home. Our son, DS2, feeds the dog every night.
DD3 gets herself completely undressed and dressed for school, and has been known to attempt to get herself and her little brother breakfast by pushing stools around and getting things out of the cupboards. SD10 still stands around the kitchen in her pj's waiting for someone to make her breakfast every morning- DH used to jump to oblige until I let him subtly know that is ridiculous and I won't personally be getting a bowl of cereal for SD at her age.
DD3 gets all kinds of constructive criticism from us, whether thats regarding how she draws a circle, or how she brushes her teeth, and what's quite different about her- she's actually interested in it! Because she has learned that it's good to LEARN. She knows that adults have things to teach her.
One of the things I actually can't stand about SD10 is how overconfident she is. She has no interest in what most adults may be able to teach her, because her whole life she's been told she is amazing and wonderful at everything- so there's really nothing to improve on. When I've spent a whole day alone with her, she has nothing to talk about unless she's telling me about herself and all the things she does well.
We took the kids to the Women's march this past weekend and I tried to educate her on the reason for these marches, the history of this country, the politics going on right now- she wasn't the slightest bit interested in what I was saying, but she did tell me she knew that black people were oppressed- and that seemed to be where she wanted to end the conversation. She didn't complain though she just doesn't think there's stuff she doesn't already know. (DH and I are both very highly educated and come from families of highly educated people- that doesn't mean we know everything by any means, just that we obviously value education and learning.) Yet DH is constantly missing teaching opportunities with her.
He once told me right after we married (too late, sucka!) (; that SD "never needed any discipline." So he had no idea how to handle chores, expectations, tantrums, or manners- he truly believes that SD is beyond reproach. He is pretty quick to find fault with the other 2. The whole thing is just annoying. Honestly if I werent expected to "parent" SD the same way I wouldn't care, but he really thinks we're all doing right by her to let her fart rainbows etc...
the soft bigotry of lowered
the soft bigotry of lowered expectations.
How eloquently put. I had to
How eloquently put.
I had to look that expression up- so interesting to read that it was associated with the Bush era "no child left behind" philosophy etc- but of course that is a perfect example. The Village really lets kids down by expecting so little of them...
"she wasn't the slightest bit
"she wasn't the slightest bit interested in what I was saying"
This is why I never talk with Killjoy anymore. She doesn't give a rat's arse about anyone but herself. Other people and their lives aren't interesting and don't matter. This will bite them in the arse later in life when they are unable to make friends. Hell, Killjoy already has trouble making and keeping friends.
Congratulations to the DHs for raising narcissists.
Your household definitely
Your household definitely sounds similar to mine. I laughed out loud when you said that your husband told you your SD never needed any discipline. My husband told me the same thing about my SD.
Do we have the same SD?!?!?
Do we have the same SD?!?!? LOL, the overly confident thing is so ANNOYING and my SD is all about herself and how awesome she is. One day we were watching TV and she rolls out on her hoverboard and interrupts the show by talking to herself..."me, what am I doing?" (let me be clear no one asked her this it is how she started her conversation to herself)and then answered, "oh, nothing, just rolling around on my hoverboard BEING AMAZING"...but clearly we need to blow more fluff up her butt, right?!?! There is a difference between being confident and cocky. This is cocky and a result of parents that constantly praise her for NOTHING!!!!
SD is 10. I had a friend come over with her 12 year old daughter a few weekends ago thinking they could play and we could hang out. My friend's 12 year old lasted about 30 minutes in SD's room before coming out and sitting with us the rest of the night. My friend told me the next day that her daughter came out with us because she got tired of hearing SD brag and compliment herself and even when she tried to redirect the conversation to something else SD would turn it around and talk about herself more! :sick:
Blech. I don't believe in the
Blech. I don't believe in the every kid gets a participation ribbon mentality. I believe in the work hard and don't be on the bottom rung of the ladder mentality.
Survival of the fittest is what it is because of what it is.
EXACTLY! If you don't work
EXACTLY! If you don't work hard you shouldn't get credit... And just handing things to people doesn't help anyone... If everyone could see this society would be so much better!
Unfortunately, too many
Unfortunately, too many parents are of the "awww sweetheart you tried and I'm proud of you for trying." mentality for that to happen.
Seriously.... humans have GOT to be the ONLY species that coddle their young to spare their feelings instead of actually preparing them to face the real world.
NO EMPLOYER is going to say awwww good job gold star for trying. NONE.
No worries though, because kiddykins will call mamabear to "speak to the boss".
Makes me GAG.
We should parent like my
We should parent like my husky did a while back.. Her puppies annoyed her and she stick her mouth over their head and they'd shape up REALLY quick... Of course she also taught them to dig... (hours of filling in these holes... She didn't even dig... But I caught her doing it with the puppies, she'd dig a bit and then wait for them to do it... LOL)
Tough love honestly gets the kid further in life than Coddling... One thing I will credit to my parents is that I learned the value of hard-work and that I wasn't better than ANYONE else. They took it too far to the emotional abuse side where I NEVER heard positives and they got cruel... BUT, I did learn to push myself and that's carried me a lot further than I think I would have made it otherwise. I have a lot of work to do still, but I have useful and valuable skills and work hard for what I want.
Tough love with a bit of empathy is what I aim to do with the skids tbh... I'm still working at it (I'm a bit obsessed with not making them feel like I did growing up, BM already gives them enough of that crap, so sometimes I get a bit too lenient and am working on that!)
Fine line between
Fine line between constructive criticism, and cruelty.
Constructive criticism is said/given in a way that though it might sting, its purpose is not to hurt. Cruelty, the purpose IS to hurt.
I take the same approach to parenting as I do to dog training.
Clear expectations, clear boundaries, clear consequences. Structure - time for eating, time for playing, time for obeying.
Rewards to start getting them in the direction I want to, then weaning off the rewards as the behavior transitions into an expected behavior.
I LOVE that concept! All my
I LOVE that concept! All my dogs I've had have been well-behaved! So that might actually be a concept I can handle!
Plus it sounds like the right direction to go. Lets them know you won't take crap and teaches them without being cruel
It's worked miraculously for
It's worked miraculously for me.
No diapers til 4. No picky eating. No sleeping issues. No getting into stuff they're not supposed to. No lying. No stealing.
Dunno why parents cringe at structure, thinking that letting the child develop at their own pace is better.
Kids don't KNOW what their own pace IS, because they DON'T know what they're SUPPOSED TO LEARN. They need to be TAUGHT.
makes me shake my head.
Like.... why would a child "be ready" to go potty when they're ready, if they're never taught that going potty is the societal norm? They're totally happy crapping in their seat, and until someone ELSE chastises them / makes fun for doing it when they start daycare / school, they'll keep doing it, because they don't KNOW it's not right....
daycares highly structure things for a reason. Can't POSSIBLY be because kids need it.... it must be so that parents can feel terrible when their kid's the one not keeping up with the rest...
or... "it's just a phase".
Yeah, it is.
And YOUR job, is to pull them OUT of that phase. Jeeeez.
I wish there was a parent whisperer. Mandatory from 6 months to birth for ALL parents to be.
Woah! You mean to tell me
Woah! You mean to tell me that kids don't just raise themselves??? They actually learn from what they're allowed to and are told?!?! Here I was thinking SD4 would be a rocket scientist by 6!
I agree with you. A kid needs to be parented, the more you let them get away with, the more they'll try and do.
and the more you let them
and the more you let them self-direct, the slower their overall development will be later in life.... and while not so much an issue when they're little, it's a huge issue when they're older because the brunt of development happens before 5.
The reports on the differences later in life between a child who has learned the ABC's by 2 versus one who only learns them at 5 in kindergarten, are quite astonishing. Same with using building blocks, coloring in the lines, etc...
you can't expect a child to teach themselves.
People who teach themselves something, can do it because they have an end goal in sight - they KNOW what the end result should be, and they strive for that by trial and error.
Kids don't know what the end result should be. They need lessons.
Sometimes it seems to me as
Sometimes it seems to me as if the overpraising parent is acting a bit lazy, which is absolutely human nature. It’s challenging to carefully acknowledge the good while helping a child learn to improve / prepare for the next time. True teaching is hard work.
But as others have said, there could absolutely be that element of not wanting to crush her spirit, wrapped in an extra padding of Disney Dad.
Regarding her performance praise session(s), ‘Bless your heart’ is one of my favorite adopted sayings. It works well in all sorts of situations. Dana Carvey’s Church Lady’s ‘Isn’t that special’ can also be useful if I’m feeling a bit snarky.
Hang in there!
LOL "Bless your heart!" -
LOL "Bless your heart!" - Gonna try to remember that one.
With my own kids when they produce something kind of stinky (even for toddlers) and I'm just not that impressed I say, "well isn't that interesting?" and move on (:
Thanks all for your comments.
Thanks all for your comments. It's an interesting conversation to me, about parenting in general.
I was raised in an environment that didn't coddle me. My parents were honest (sometimes brutally so) but they did show up, applaud and praise me when I accomplished something significant. And they definitely rewarded me for hard work and dedication to something I loved. But I feel lucky that no one blew "sunshine up my butt".
Really I love my kids, even SD (though she is quite superficial and gets on my nerves like no other) and I believe whole-heartedly in praise and positive reinforcement. DH's support and dedication to SD's happiness is endearing- she certainly could have done worse in the Dad department.
But I also believe in the growth mentality. If you don't encourage practice, hard work, and engagement in the process, you can't expect superior results. My beef with DH's parenting of SD is he doesn't give SD honest feedback on anything, so she has a fixed mentality. She either gets the part or she doesn't. If she does it's because she's wonderful and amazing and talented! And if she doesn't, it's okay because the little part is better/easier/funnier!
What about- "Honey when you practiced your audition song this time I noticed you were out of tune. Let's try it again." Or , "SD, I think if you want the lead you need to practice it a few more times..." And after she didn't get the part he could say "that's okay, great job! I'm proud of you for auditioning. And you're in the show!" and then suggest she work harder next time, practice more, ask for more help. Then maybe she will get the real part next time?
Of course she didn't need to hear, "well honey your audition probably sucked" (;
It's the sugarcoating of everything that I find concerning and irritating. And that he expects me and everyone else to do it too. There's so little room for honesty in relation to her and anything she does, produces or attempts.
I guess later on the real world will let her know how well prepared (or not) she really is.
All the comments were very
All the comments were very interesting. I'm a realistic person....I think its ok to give praise and props but we need to be honest with our kids or they will fail in the outside world where they will hear honesty and even mean spirited comments. They have to be taught to look at themselves honestly. I've also encouraged my kids and was their biggest cheerleader on the sidelines but their dad & I were honest if they messed up or just didn't do that well. Praise came when they worked hard and earned it. My SO takes every little "accomplishment" his daughters tell him about and blows it up into a big thing. For the past 2 years, SD16 has gotten these letters from colleges or other (bogus) companies that she, BM and SO all think mean colleges are telling her they want her to come to their school. I keep telling him they're letters enticing freshman and sophomores to come to some summer program and pay them money for it. It's NOT a precursor for her going to those colleges. My kids got these same types of letters. SO just doesn't hear me - he congratulates SD16 and tells her how proud he is that she got this letter and that she could possibly be attending this Ivy League or super expensive college in a couple of years. Wth? I just keep quiet and look the other way now.
Wow that sounds familiar.
Wow that sounds familiar. We'll be doing that in a few years I have no doubt.
Get this - last year at SD's school they had some testing and evaluations for Gifted and Talented. Lots based on school performance in 3rd grade and some teacher input /surveys and one component was a parent survey. DH asked me to help him complete them on SD, "you'll be more objective."
Choices were - 1- below average, 2- above average, 3- WAY above average- (notice the conveniently missing, AVERAGE.)
He asked me to rate SD on several measures, social skills, reading, intellectual curiosity, grit, imagination/creativity etc etc. What a trap that was!
I rated her lots of 2's because honestly I woudlve said AVERAGE for a lot of them and he can't tolerate the idea of her being BELOW average, and she is very bright and does fine in school. But he changed most of my answers to 3 in the process! He rated her 90% WAY above average on all these measures- some of which are things she literally does not do well at all. Like, "child shows initiative in exploring topics she is interested in, does independent study on a topic of interest," um, NEVER! "child reads quietly on their own and can comprehend a chapter book." - at that point, NEVER! Child asks lots of questions about the world, conducts experiments- NEVER.
But he marked her a 2 or 3 for everything. It was absurd. At that point I learned my "honest" input is truly unwelcome. I will keep my mouth shut for the most part from now on...
Odd that the term "average"
Odd that the term "average" would be left out. I wouldn't want to fill something like that out for either SD. SO would end up with hurt feelings if I had to do it...LOL
Right? Some people are just
Right? Some people are just average at things- so weird!
anyway- note to self, don't ever fill out surveys about your stepkids in front of their parent... !
I am surprised they have the
I am surprised they have the parents help with the evaluation b/c I think most parents want to think their child is above average and wouldn't be honest with themselves on that. Thankfully at my son's school it is all based on testing. His teacher called and asked if I would be okay with him having the testing done and I said sure. I knew my son was smart but I didn't even think about testing him for gifted classes. Sure enough he got a 99% and now attends gifted classes. I think this is something that drives SD crazy b/c she is constantly competing with him and well mommy and daddy can't just put her in a gifted class without her actually being gifted.
Apologies I rambled on a bit
Apologies I rambled on a bit below (I could have gone on for days)
My SO would praise and go overboard for the smallest things and also praise her when she was vindictive cunning and down right nasty to get what she wanted, I on the other hand have always been the bearer of truth and never went over the top, I would just say good job and slowly walk away from the conversation, or if the way she achieved what she wanted hurt someone else in the process which was quite often as she hated failing and would do anything to succeed no matter who she hurt, I would pull her up on that. She got enough smoke blown up her ass from everyone else she need the bearer of truth to keep her back down on earth. this was not a hateful thing on my part this was me trying to teach her to be humble and a nicer person.
Sample: her cousin and mum were living with us while they transitioned houses, niece 2 years younger then her was very sporty quiet down to earth kid, SD 15 at the time was not, SD is very competitive, they do dancing and one day I was listening to them practicing and SD was criticising the crap out of Niece and she just took it, SD's turn to dance, niece said one very helpful tip and SD blew up and bit her head off told her what would you know. I stepped in and pulled her up on her horrible reaction to her cousin trying to help her.
sample 2: Niece was in year 7 and wanted to run for Team captain SD was in year 9 and encouraged her to do so and then decided she would run for it too (SD has no sporty bone in her body not interested in that), later on that night SD told me that niece won't get it cause they won't give the spot to a year 7 only year 9 and up, I asked her why she encouraged her to run for it knowing this and how upset she will be by it, SD said I don't care not my problem. SD as mentioned above will hurt anyone to be better then them. I took it upon myself to run it past niece that I heard only year 9 to 10 will be selected but if you still want try go for it lovely. days later the results were in and my sister in law rang me to advise that my narcissistic SD bloody won, oh great I said just what we need. The girls came home together niece completely deflated and SD carrying on like she was the best in the world and rubbing it into niece that she beat her, I walked straight past SD and went straight to niece and said never mind love you knew you couldn't get the spot cause you weren't in the right year, so she didn't beat you she just created more unnecessary work for her self and we had a little chuckle, I then said to SD that heard my comment to niece well your going to be busy this year with this and all the other crap you didn't really want to be doing just so you could beat someone. Have fun with that and I walked away.
SD always came to me with everything (not now she's 18 and knows better then everyone) and if I didn't agree with what she said to me I was honest with her, (too many people not being honest and setting her up to fail later in life) she would then go to SO and give him a completely different sugar coated version that made her sound right, he never actively listened anyway and always praised her for everything. I pulled SO up and said do us a favour, when the SD's come into talk to you, you need to Actively listen so you can give them the right advice and not just tell them they are right all the time so they go away.
SO improved on that but now always tells them the other person is wrong even if clearly they are not. If I happen to hear the conversation I pipe up because F me they are blame throwers nothing is ever their fault even if clearly it is, it drives me nuts that he feeds that. Example: I watched her drop some food on the floor and just leave it there I called her back and said pick that up she got all defensive and flat out told me it wasn't her when she knows I saw her do it, the list goes on, but because SO always blames someone else for their actions because it's never their fault we now live in hell with SD's 18 and 21 with no intentions of ever leaving home, thanks for that SO if only you had listened