I don't like your therapist! :O

Sounds like hooey to me. Silent treatment is passive aggressive manipulations.

Find a new therapist!!!

I agree. You need a new therapist.

I don't disagree with the therapist that he's probably giving you the silent treatment because he's hurt. And I guess it's good for you to know that it's from hurt as opposed to something else. But did she then go on to let him know that the silent treatment isn't the appropriate way to deal with being hurt, and let him know they'd be working on other ways to deal with his "hurt"? If not, I'm not sure what good the therapist is going to do you. I'm thinking you could have guessed all that stuff on your own.

You need to leave with those two children he doesn’t want and make a decent life for them. Living with a father who wishes they’d never been born is toxic. Rescue those babies.

He needs to pick that lip up before he steps on it!

You either accept what he said at face value and let it fester until it is a huge stinking hole in your marriage or you accept that he was frustrated and trying to get back at you in the heat of the moment and try to find a way to move on.

If you want to continue in the relationship then I see no value in holding on to and dissecting his careless and hurtful words.

Your husband was wrong to say what he did. He is wrong to give you the silent treatment. He has a lot to learn about how to fight fair and how to resolve conflicts in a healthy way. But ultimately if you two want to get past this you will need to accept that he said what he did to hurt you and not because he meant it.

While I don't agree at all with your therapist basically giving him a pass to be a big man baby.....

Do you think when he says that he resents you doing these things because it means that he gets stuck taking care of the kids for several hours a week when he would rather be doing other stuff (never mind that it might be stuff with SD...lol).

Were kids a must have for you that he reluctantly agreed to? Did he think you would take on the main responsibility of caring for them then?

I guess in his eyes.. he "let" you have two kids.. but expected that you would be the one to give up other past times to care for him and he wouldnt be expected to be as accomodatiing. So when you go running 3-4 hours a week plus go to a book club plus go to dinner and swim lessons.. it all adds up to 8 or more hours a week that he no longer sees you.

I am not saying it's right that he punishes you the way he did.. but he is doing a poor job of explaining what is frustrating and working to find a solution.

The bottom line may be that he feels he already had enough child care responsibilities with his daughter and has that COD guilt going on.. so when he sees her wants to be more focused on her. He thought you would take the lead with the other kids. He didn't see his life changing with the addition of kids.. but it has.. because.. it will right? He didn't have a realistic view of what adding two kids to the household would mean for everyone.

I really don't like passive aggressive silent treatment for any length of time.. in the short term to prevent saying something you will regret (like he did) fine.. but you have to be able to come back and TALK through these issues if you want to remain in a partnership with someone.

It’s more than just some cruel words that he said. It’s his actions. Bad enough how he treats his wife, but his inability to even want to connect with his two youngest children is vile.

The minute you stop running and going to the book club DH will lose interest in you. Men only think they want to control everything their woman does but when it actually happens they get bored. Like most things step related this is a *damned if you do damned if you don't* situation.

Your options are stop running and reading then get out of shape and boring; or keep running and reading, stay fit and mentally sharp. DH is going to be a noob either way so do what makes you happy.

So, to deal with the silent treatment, my BFF dated a narcissist for 4 years. He would give her the silent treatment anytime he wanted to control her or her behaviour.
She would call me every time time he did it.

She’d say “Yeah, he’s not talking to me and so I thought I’d call you.” We’d chat about all kinds of things, nothing about him. She’d sit right there beside him talking to me about her day, the kids, her job! Whatever.
It got him very agitated. You see it backfired on him. He’d complain that she wasn’t talking to him, she’d say you won’t talk back!

Plus, narcissists act like they don’t care what others think about them but they actually care a great deal. He hated me knowing that he was giving her the silent treatment. He wanted everything to look like her fault.

Thanks for the shout-out!

Sometimes counselors try to help their clients develop compassion by encouraging them to seek to understand what may have motivated the person who did them harm, and also to see that person as a whole - not as JUST someone who gives the silent treatment, for example.

And as useful and sometimes necessary as that is, there comes a point where looking backward is just an intellectual exercise.... And you need practical options.

I'd say directly to DH, "Look, I understand you're angry and lashing out. It's OK to be angry, but it's not OK to hurt me because you feel bad. I love you, I'm your partner and on your team. Why don't you go lie down for half an hour. We'll have a talk over dinner."

And I'd say to the counselor, "I understand that you want us to understand each other, and that's great - but what I think we really need is some help in stopping our pasts and our feelings from controlling our future. It doesn't bother me at all that DH gets angry, but it does bother me that he lashes out to try to hurt me. If that's something from his past, I'd like for us to find a way to help him stop that, because our future is going to be damaged, possibly permanently, by that. I want him to be happy with me and our family, and if he isn't, like he sometimes says, then we need to change things significantly. If he is happy in our relationship, but he says these things - like you said - because he doesn't know how to handle his feelings, then we both need some serious coaching from you or another counselor so that I can support him as he learns to express himself in new ways. But the blame game and excuses-excuses is over. We need to move forward in a way that is good for BOTH of us."

Your therapist is a moron. I'd find another.

I'd read Co-Dependent No More as a starting point. Your DH is a sad case of over-the-top passive-aggressive behaviour. Sure, it's because he doesn't have a better way to process hurt or anger, but being lovey with the littles as a dig at you is cruel - to the littles and you.

Anyway, he wants you to take responsibility for his feelings so he doesn't have to. You need to find a safe and healthy way to push back, or you need to seriously contemplate leaving. You can handle his crap, but your kids are going to be damaged by it.

My $0.02, ofc.

Your husband sounds like a manipulative jerk who doesn’t take personal responsibility for anything. Also, I agree with the others, you need to get a different therapist. That bit about your dh not wanting you to have your own interests outside of the house is a huge red flag.