I hate going through OSD's phone. For a while, a few years ago, DH and I kind of "took turns". It was during a phase when OSD was having a lot of academic and social/friend trouble and was lying about everything. I looked mainly because DH didn't want to look, because he didn't want to know. I thought I was being helpful. I wasn't.

I stopped that s**t ASAP when I realized how hurt I was every time I saw the kind of thing you write about here. I really, really care for my SDs but there is a point where "not my circus, not my monkeys" exists, even in the love I feel for them. Please don't look at SD's phone any more. Let it be DH's responsibility, or simply let it be. It's not our responsibility as the SM and it never, ever goes well. 

You just about wrote my exact story...I feel you on all points you made. I’ve disengaged for my own sanity bc I was neglecting my own children, trying to “fix” someone who obviously didn’t ask for my help.

I’ve learned the one point on this site that’s helped me get through it: you cannot care more than the bio parents. It will get you nowhere and make you resentful. Skankula is a horrible mother in general, but it’s still SDs mother and I cannot compete with that. And no longer want to. 

I agree, I think it's the parent's job to go through a kid's phone, and that shouldn't include reading texts to the other parent.

But it seems clear from these boards that often, skids who are great when they are young change a lot as they get older - sorry you feel so let down. Just focus on your own kids - they will always love you.

It can be shocking to discover how the victem returns to their opressor... again and again in spite of all the abuse, neglect, and betrayal they've dished out.

It is definitely hard to be a non-entity in your own life. For me, I mostly feel sad for DH. BM, aided by MIL, have totally neutralized DH as a parent in the eyes of his children.

I didn't expect anything fairly early from my SS, so I resent them more than being hurt by them. They have never gotten DH a card for Father's Day, his birthday, or Christmas. Two years ago he told them that all he wanted for his birthday was a phone call. He even reminded them when his birthday was two days away and still neither one called. I'm disappointed on my DH's behalf. 
I'm still making peace with the fact that my SSs will always be around as annoying houseguests and spies for BM EOWE. DH has told one that if he doesn't want to come anymore he doesn't have to, yet he still arrives and causes drama and havoc. 
The truth of the matter though, is that they are missing out. They have a father who loves them and they are now the age when they choose to turn away. They will never get that time back.

I went through my SDs phone one time when we found drugs in her backpack. She had stopped taking to us for a year and a half and then had been back for 6 months when this happened. I expected to see some mention of me or her dad about how angry she was or a conversation about missing us or at least him. There was nothing, we didn't exist, and that hurt even more.

So much of what you said I've felt I don't think I could put it in words any better than you have.

I'm in a similar boat as you... except BM is a loser and can't afford extracurriculars or vacations or clothes, but SD doesn't want me buying or taking her either.  I raised her, DH had on and off custody, I was a SAHM.  I taught her how to read and write, how to swing and bike, we used to sing songs, read stories, and have fun.

Since I have my own kids, I've discovered, it's probably not all you.  Not saying that she doesn't have a loyalty conflict, but  I kids in general, as they get older start pulling away and becoming independent.  

My SD has a BM that acts very child-like at times.  She has to be a parent sometimes in their relationship.  She would have to be the one to get her mother up to take her to school when she was little, otherwise she didn't go.  She has to tell her mom to wash her hands after going to the bathroom.  Stuff like that.   So, I think she won't be pulling away from BM simply because she feels that responsiblity towards her mother.  Plus her mom is jealous, which adds to her burden.  So I feel a little sorry for her, (not sorry enough that I'm willing to put up with crappy behavior though).

Actually, I think what you found re the mother/daughter event should make you feel good.  It's obvious that SD feels in a loyalty bind with her mother.  I mean, it doesn't sound like her mother is abusive.. and in many ways is being the "fun mom" and permissive.  You know that isn't the healthiest dynamic.. but I'm sure that SD enjoys all the lavishing... and it IS her mother.

I bet that SD did have a good time with you at the event.  But, there is still a part of her that is very aware that her mother may be insecure about YOU.  I think sometimes that the BM's are aware that the SM is better at many things.. and they are insecure.  the ONLY real thing they have over us?  They are the BIO mother.. and they play THAT card.

So.. SD has obviously been groomed to be a mommeee's girl.. and mommeee does whatever she can to win her affection.  SD knew that mommee would be upset and she has to reassure her that mommee is still the bestest.

I guess the sad truth is that in the end.. these kids are NOT our bio kids and they will always have a slight bio loyalty to those parents over us.  In some ways, we logically can see how that is normal.. but it still hurts to be slighted.  

I have a great relationship with my YSD22.  She calls me for advice.. not mom... she takes after me in many ways (due to being in her life so long)... BUT she still loves her mother.. with all her faults.  

Totally understand where you are coming from, I was there at one point as well and under all the anger was a deep well of hurt. It's been years and I have thankfully been able to move on and no longer carry the hurt and resentment. My DH however still hurts and knows reaching out to his Spawn will do no good, she is cut off from him by her own choice.