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Frustrated, can't seem to do anything right!

Struggling Step Mom's picture

Submitted by Struggling Step Mom on Mon, 10/15/2007 - 12:19pm

In a nut shell, I need some advice. This is the situation.
My SD is 13. We have been together since she was 10 and I feel like we were closer than than we are now. I know it is more than teen age stuff.
I have been totally shut out of her life by my DH. I am not allowed to have any opinion on anything to do with her. It is like I don't exist when it comes to her. All the house rules go out the window when she comes, its all about her. I have spent a lot of time arguing with my DH who flatout refuses to do anything about her or her behavior. She is an only child, well in my opinion she isn't anymore, she had 2 step brothers. She has told me she likes being an only child and has absolutely no respect for me...hummm wonder why, her father definitely set that bar! Mind you when the boys my DH and I are alone we are a perfectly happy family. I keep telling my DH that if he made her follow the house rules and cracked down on her behavior she would feel more like she belonged and might stop acting like she is. He insists on treating her like the "princess". I have been angry, hurt, upset and frustrated so much over the past few years that I gave up. I feel like she gets special treatment and the rest of us (me included) have to do the work. I have backed off totally. I gave up trying to make us a family. I don't bother trying to plan things together, we don't go anywhere the 5 of us, it feels like everything is worked around her.
This weekend my DH gets up and says he is taking the boys to hockey. I say no, your daughter is here, I'll take the boys. He continuously tries to leave her with me while he takes the boys somewhere or works or whatever. I finally got mad at him and told him that I wasn't going to spend time with her, it was his responsibility not mine. It is not like she needs all the attention from me, everyone in her life pretends she is perfect, turns a blind eye to her behavior, everyone! I refuse to and if I acknowlege it I'm in a fight with my DH. This is the only way I can keep peace in my family.
He is mad at me. Am I wrong? My DH and I share the parenting and support each other when it comes to the boys and they are nice kids. I have no say in anything in my SD's life even when she is in my house with my children, so why do I have to cather to her when she is around?
We are only a family when it benefits her????? I'm pretty sure that its the good and the bad?
He refuses to change, my SD doesn't give up a thing or do anything, I think that he needs to be with her when she is around and leave us to do our thing. I'm not playing 2nd fiddle to princess anymore. They can have each other, I'm done fighting over it, its the way it is.

Comments

Hanny's picture

Submitted by Hanny on Mon, 10/15/2007 - 1:32pm

If he's making plans with your boys..maybe that's his way of not catering to her. So maybe you should use that time..to whip the kid in shape. Then if he complains..tell him not to leave her to your care then if he doesn't like your parenting her. I would also remind him that he parents your children...why should it be any different with his princess? And I wouldn't cater to her...just treat her like you treat your sons. You need to sit down with DH and get some house rules in place for EVERYONE! That would be something I would insist on...or I'd be outta there fast!

Chocoholic's picture

Submitted by Chocoholic on Mon, 10/15/2007 - 2:01pm

She IS NOT an only child anymore and needs to come to grips with that reality....

Same thing when an older sibling becomes an older sibling.... They don't always want it or like it... but it happens regardless.... and they have to accept that reality.

Your DH is allowing this girl to live in a fantsy world in which she is the ruler.... this is not real life and dh is not doing this young girl any favors.... it will come back to bite him and YOU!

Hanny is completely right in that EVERYONE in the home needs to abide by the same rules!

"Don't be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people ever have is when they take a bite out of you."

need2vent's picture

Submitted by need2vent on Mon, 10/15/2007 - 5:54pm

I doubt he does want to spend time with her. I dated a man for 3 years who had an only child princess ,that none of his friends liked, eevn sunday school tecahers rolled their eyes when she walked in the room,she had no boundaries, interrupted converstaions constantly, literally grabbed adults by the arm and dragged them places and talked in a sick baby voice around "Daddy" well i have two boys , 18 months apart , one older, one younger then her. when she was around she was neevr disciplined and my boys would say Mom, every kid needs discipline why doesn't mr.M do it? For my boys to se it and not a grwon man.I discovered when his mom died and he asked me to drive his daugher up for funeral becasue he did not wnat her in car with him, and yes many times behind had tried to leave her at my doorstep, well he didn't even like the monster he had created!He did not believe me about the baby voice and i said listen to how she talks to other people and then you, he actually saw it, I refused to let her interrupt anymore, when she would report she was hungry and we were very busy ,he would start to jump up to make her a sandwich, i would say, teach her to amke a sandwich so she can do it herself next time. he did. He is now married to soemone else and I told him ,great i disciplined your child and she gets the nice end product! LOL
As boundaries were set and she was appreciated for her nice attributes rather then princes and pea whiney aspects , he saw the difference but I ahve to say not without tears and frustration ,so I can olny imagine in my home!

Struggling Step Mom's picture

Submitted by Struggling Step Mom on Wed, 10/17/2007 - 10:29am

Thanks for your comments. Hanny, I never thought of it that way and I'm honestly not sure I have the "balls" to come up against a member of the royal family Smile I do feel insecure around her which I'm sure she senses, I just don't want my family to be in an uproar whenever shes around. I honestly just wish she would stop coming to visit all together but that makes me feel guilty!! I've said things to her in the past and I'm telling you she just doubled up the next time. She is really fake and puts on an awesome show in front of her Daddy! I'm just not good at games and manuliputation, she is an expert at 13.