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Things change but they stay the same

thelaststraw's picture

So, SASS22 is coming in tonight and....staying in the house.

Because DW was asking "What happened to my boy that protected his mother?" and "What happened to my boy who wore his heart on his sleeve?"  He is coming home to apologize.

I realized in the middle of the day what had me all pissed off about it. For years as a kid, I was picked on.  Bullied incessantly until I finally had enough and I kicked a kid's ass for starting with me. I was 16 at the time. But a decade of bullying.

What did I step into with this marriage? Essentially the same thing from a kid whose mother wouldn't support me.  Who wouldn't put the kid on lockdown (read my previous posts for the details).  I vented this afternoon and I told her to do what she thinks is right.  She told him to find another place to stay - like he said he was going to do for the last two weeks. But now his friends bailed on him and he needs a place to stay. 

And she says I made her choose between him and me. When she had told me last week to change the passcode to the lock on the main door to the house, because she didn't want him to know.

At one point, she told me to leave. I started packing until I said "I pay half of the ____ mortgage on this house. I'm not going anywhere."

I'm meeting with my thereapist on Tuesday to ask that vital question - "Am I crazy?"

Comments

tog redux's picture

You aren't asking her to choose between the two of you. You are asking her to have boundaries with her son.  She doesn't want to do that.  I don't think you are crazy, but it does seem that you are just hoping the problem will go away since he's an adult now, but it generally doesn't with this type of enmeshed mother -son relationship. Would she go to counseling with you?

thelaststraw's picture

No, she won't. I have an appointment at 2pm on Tuesday.  I need a place to displace my rage.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

The problem will not go away until she sees she is the one with the problem.

The only thing you can do is what's within your control. If you establishing boundaries results in the end of your relationship that's on her for choosing her adult son over you and not addressing his behavior and setting limits with him.

I will never understand these parents. I don't know one parent who hasn't experienced the I hate you, I'm going to live with so and so, I'm going to call CPS.

Most parents call Thier kids bluff and tell them to go right ahead. But not these parents. No, they curl up into the fetal position and empower their kids to wield the power of emotional blackmail against them. 

It's the parents fault for teaching their kids that threats and coercion are effective tools for control.