DH and SS11
SS11 has started crying more often about the stupidest things and I don't know if it is puberty or his character.
At dinner tonight, the conversation was about how DH and I had long days at work and coming home to the smells of this house - I think garlic is permanently embedded in the kitchen walls - is so calming for us. I asked SS9 what he liked about living here and he said "the swimming pool and hiking in the mountains" (mountains run through the middle of our city so hiking is just around the corner from the house).
SS11 retorted - real nasty and angry like - "well where Mom lives is hiking and swimming too!". I said "SS11, your opinion is going to be different from your brother's. Is it REALLY worth getting so angry about?" To which he said "Well he is stupid for thinking that way." DH blew up at SS11 and smacked his hand (SS11 was waving his fork around as he went off) as a reminder to stop waving his fork as it is gross and rude.
SS11 just flipped. DH told him to go to his room until he can compose himself. It seemed like forever before he did.
So after I thought all was calm, I asked SS11 what he liked about here and he shrugged and sulked "I don't know" ... this hurt DH. DH said "Face it. He hates it here. He likes where BM lives because he is revered and gets what he wants. He misses his Pop (his grandpa) and just hates it here." I stopped the conversation and moved on to our weekend plans.
Was I doing that PAS thing? I don't really think so. I was happy to be home and I am certain others know this feeling after a crappy day at work.
I don't know how to help DH and SS11 is just going to get worse and worse, I know it!
The thing is, I know DH resents SS11 because he is sooooo much like BM. He is manipulative, moody, selfish and narcissistic. It's worse when he comes back from visiting her. But if you look at SS11, he is the spitting image of DH. There's got to be all kinds of subconscious transference going on but all I want to know is how to help these two boys - yes DH acts like a boy at times - get along into their older years.
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Comments
Tough one...although I know
Tough one...although I know you probably meant nothing by it, his response seems to be a way of leveling out the playing field. If he misses his mom & grandpa this put him over the top for others to suggest your place was better...not that it was your intent, or his brother's, but that was HIS perception...
I don't know what type of custody you have, but the fact that you & your DH both think he is like his mother, and as you say your DH "sees his mother in him" makes me think he needs to either live w/his mom or have more equal acess to both..,
He lives with us all year
He lives with us all year and sees them in the summer. He idolizes his mother and many of the things he says are things she says.
I never thought of it like that though. The leveling of the playing field.
So does this mean he feels he does not belong here?