It's About That Time Again ...
I post here about once every other month now if that.
My very dear friend and my mother are my greatest strengths when it comes to SS11 and SS12 (SS11 just had his birthday) but they are terrible when looking for empathy as they have no idea what it feels like. Thank god for ST.
I have a brewing problem with SS12, soon to be 13. He is constantly disrespectful towards me and questions everything I do. He has gotten to the point of saying the rules I make (with DH at that) are STUPID. He knows I will not hit him but I do enforce the boundaries. For example, lying gets him grounded for 1 week. Taking initiative gets him a reward like playing 1 hour of XBox.
I have sat down "adult to adult" with him and asked him what his problem was - "I don't have a problem with you" was his answer. I asked him if he was angry with something - "I don't know! Just get out of my room!" was his answer. So I did.
He hardly ever disrespects DH but I honestly think that is because DH does not hesitate to deal with SS12 physically, as a last resort. Prime example - he told DH that he thought DH was stupid for spending money on a telescope (DH's hobby). DH never asked SS12 opinion in the first place and without hesitation, smacked SS12 in the mouth for his attitude.
At any rate, what on earth do I do?
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Say like a stuck record ...
Say like a stuck record ... "You may think our decisions are stupid but until you support yourself and pay your own bills you don't get a vote. Sad but true. I thought my parents rules and decisions were stupid but when you grow up and pay for your own things you realise they are far less stupid than you."
And everytime he is rude to you tell him so "That is rude and not tolerated. Go to your room. I will not have rude people around me."
""I don't know! Just get out
""I don't know! Just get out of my room!" was his answer. So I did." :jawdrop:
Really! You allow any child in your home to speak to you in this manner? :? You allow a snarky little shit to dictate to you in your home? Not no but HELL no IMHO. He would have learned immediately and in no uncertain terms that lipping off to me in that manner would have an entirely inpleasant, immediate and long lasting consequence.
I would have backhanded him accross the mouth then grabbed my tool box to pull the door off of MY spare bedroom while informing him that no child in my home will speak to any adult that way. His life would be a living hell until I decided when to ease up. No door, no priveledges, 10,000 sentences in perfect hand writing "I will not speak to Mrs (Lastname) or any other adult in a disrespectful manner." and a couple hundred hours of completely unpleasant manual labor intensive chores around the house and my neighbor's houses.
For the rest of that little shit's miserable teen existence he would have no choice but to address my spouse and I as Ma'am/Sir and do what he was told immediately and with a respectful attitude or he would suffer the wrath of Rags each and every time he chose otherwise.
I have ZERO tolerance for this kind of crap and I enforced total accountability for inappropriate behavior from teens in my home. My SS wrote countless thousands of sentences from age ~8-14 and shoveled nearly countless tons of snow.
Others have commented on separation and developing independence. I agree that he is at the age where those characteristics are developing. However, disrespect and undisciplined little asshole behavior has nothing to do with separation and developing independence IMHO. This is a watershed moment that will have a huge impact on his character (or rapidly developing lack of it). The only effective way to deal with it IMHO is directly and firmly whenever he makes the mistake of thinking he can get away with it.
Time to parent directly and to not abdicate on this issue.
All IMHO of course.
Good luck.