So glad I found this site
I have been needing to release for so long,... finding this site today was like an answer to a prayer.
I always feel left out around my fiance and his kids and his family. I don't know what it is about the whole family dynamic, but I just feel not quite "there" even when I'm in the room. I'm hoping that this site has others on it that feel that same disconnect from their significant other's family. I feel love, but well it is hard to explain.
Maybe when we are married it will be different, maybe when we have a baby it will meld the two lives together, I don't know.
His kids are great, they accept me and voice happiness about me marrying their father, although at times I feel like I'm a cheese grater on their heads when I am in a position to use even a firm tone to give an order to do something.
They volunteer "love you" and hugs and say they will miss me when they go to their mom's for visitation.
Situation: There was an elderly couple last night getting in on the driver's side door side of the car my Fiance was on, he told his kids to get in on the other side. The boy got in on the correct side, but did not scoot over in the seat to allow his sisters to get into the car too. So I told him to "scoot, dad told everyone to get in on that side for a reason" I felt I was just restating, enforcing their dad's words.
But his son called me "bossy" on the drive home. Fiance heard it and told him to "get over it, already" But it still made me feel like crap. Does this feeling ever leave?
I'm reading the book Stepmonster. A friend of mine from high school married a man with kids and recommended me to read it when she heard I was going to marry someone with kids.
I just feel so lost. And like my name says I really feel like "theoutsider"
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I often feel like the
I often feel like the outsider. They had a long life together before I joined it. We are not blood relatives. On many levels, we are outsiders. But that does get better if your future husband handles things well.
On a related note, I recently heard that our BM's new boyfriend blew up recently at them telling the family it was hard to be "the outsider in this family". Funny that he's feeling that way with BM and I am feeling that way with FDH when the kids are around.
I am also the outsider. I
I am also the outsider. I thought things would be better once we got married. I have two kids of my own and he has two kids. If I could do it all over again............I would have NEVER gotten married!!!!!!! EVER!!!!!!
I am miserable! Basically, I am a married single mother. Does that make sense?? I wear a ring on my finger but when it comes to life and my kids......its all me with almost no help from him at all. When it comes to his kids and life........he wants me to be the maid, chef, babysitter, chauffeur etc...not the wife!!
When his kids are around.......I am totally the outsider. I have decided that on the weekends that I don't have mine that I would do my own thing. After all, I am no one to them.
I am also reading stepmonsters. That book has made me realize even more that I should have NEVER gotten re-married to a guy with kids. My DH is VERY hard headed and stubborn and will never change or meet in the middle. Honestly, I don't think he even loves me.
Guess I did it to myself..........I hate it all!!!!!!!!
That made me almost cry to
What makes you think he doesn't love you?
I too feel like he wanted to
I too feel like he wanted to marry me for the help I can provide for him and his kids. Also, my health insurance. :/
He never tells me he loves me. I feel awkward telling him I love him out of fear he doesn't feel the same. He is very selfish as well. He expects me to do everything for him. But when I ask him for anything there a million reasons why he can't help... and if I even jokingly say...." I would do anything if you would do the dishes just once!" He gets pissy and says...."I told you I hate doing the dishes! What is it with you women and dishes??" Then I get all teary eyed and walk away.
I could go on for days but I'm on my phone right now and it is no fun typing on this thing.
In my experience, when a new
In my experience, when a new partner is brought into an existing family, no matter how well everyone might get on at times, there is always a jockeying for position and control going on underneath. Someone always feels left out at times. Most often it is the new partner for the first years, because the parent and children have a whole dynamic and history that you are not part of. Even if they like you they see you as outside their family unit, and in subtle or overt ways will sometimes remind you of that.
You can feel like a fish out of water being expected to adapt to what is essentially another families routines, traditions and behaviours. You want the relationship with your partner to work and you want to feel included, so you try to adapt, but its hard work and can lead to hurt and frustration, especially if your partner is not sensitive to the issues and your feelings. If you stay with the bioparent and have children of your own, then you can establish a home which incorporates more of your values and traditions. Then the stepchildren can end up feeling left out and that can cause a whole other set of problems. I feel strongly that its bioparents who need to read books on blended families and stepparenting so they can handle the difficult situations and feelings in a more informed, sensitive way. As a stepparent you have limited control over those situations because the bioparent is the lynchpin and you will never have the authority or unconditional acceptance of a parent. Unless your partner is proactive and engaged with their children, and on the same page as you in terms of parenting values and style, it can be a terrible uphill battle to make things work.
Your partner dealt with the bossiness comment well, but there will be a lot more of that to come, especially if you try to create a home together and need to have some authority to get things done and feel like you're in charge of your own home. Its stressful to be moderating your tone and editing your behaviour all the time, especially when you feel like you've earned your stripes, and you have your own children that you parent in a more direct and assertive way. Once when I was on holiday with my partner, my baby and stepchildren, my youngest stepdaughter was dawdling crossing the road and I could see a car approaching at speed so I shouted out her name in a tone of urgency and alarm to get her to move onto the pavement. Afterwards her older sister put her arm round her and asked if she was ok and it was very clear that she was asking in case she was upset that I shouted at her. I'd been the girlfriend/stepmom for 4 years at that point.