Where do I even begin?
I have been married for 9 1/2 years. My husband had a son prior to us meeting. He was never married to my stepson's mother. We have tons of issues with my stepson's mother, how he is being raised, why we can't get custody of him, you name it. He is now 12 years old and all of the things I worried about when he was 2 and 3 and 4 are coming to fruition.
I am to the point now that I don't even like my stepson. He causes so many problems with us. And everyone, including my stepson, is full of excuses. "He's has a tough time at home, go easy on him" or 'he's trying, let him go'. I try to help him with his homework and he whines and fidgits and makes excuses for why it takes him so long to do it. He lies to his mom about stuff that went on at our house on weekends that he stays with us. We have explained to him over and over and over again that if he is upset at something, he needs to talk to us about it. He has very minimal social skills when it comes to adults. I think he does OK with kids, but you can't get him to speak clearly if you are trying to have a conversation with him. About anything! He mumbles and just completely shuts down when you ask him about something he doesn't want to talk about. He has a severe lisp, but I don't notice it until he's having an uncomfortable conversation. And when I say uncomfortable, I can't even ask him if he brought down the towels from the bathroom like I told him. I know he didn't, and when he realizes he's been cornered (over TOWELS for god sake) he literally turns into a different person. He's painfully shy, he clams up, he talks to the point you can't hear or understand him...it's so annoying. And that's just about towels! Imagine my condundrum when I talk to him about homework or why the neighbor kid told me they got in a fight.
It might sound like I am the main disciplinarian, and I lean towards saying that yes, I am. My husband doesn't do much of it. I am the one that notices when my stepson doesn't brush his teeth or take a shower. I'm the one that notices he's chewing with his mouth open or he is wiping his hands on his clothes while we're eating instead of a napkin. I'm the one that asks about homework and then has to help him because my career is based around instruction, although I am not a 'teacher'.
My husband says I'm hard on him, but at this point, someone has to be. This kid gets away with everything. He wants for nothing, his mother would rather show him love by manipulation and video consoles and games rather than teaching him about LIFE.
He is turning into a big inconvenience for me. Every weekend is the same, we argue about homework and a myriad of other things I have to repeatedly tell him. Then comes the phone call from phsycho mommy telling us how evil we are and how he hates being at our house.
There are hundreds of other stories I can tell you, but this is all I want to talk about now.
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Comments
You give me no hope...lol! I
You give me no hope...lol! I am at the 2 and 5 stage just trying to get them on track now so that later I don't have your problems...it's not looking good.
And I hate to sound like
And I hate to sound like Debbie Downer, but I don't have hope either! And I KNEW this would happen! I'm concerned about when he's a teen/driving etc. Being a stepmother is the hardest thing I've ever done. My issues boil down to my stepson not being raised in a decent manner when he's at his mother's so when he is at our house and has rules and boundaries, he doesn't like it.
My DH calls me "Killer" when
My DH calls me "Killer" when I am parenting. It's a badge of honor I wear proudly!!!
It sounds like you are at the
It sounds like you are at the crossroads where things need to change in your household or you will need to start disengaging. I've read a lot about step parents who disengage on this website through other people's experiences...and from my perspective, it doesn't seem like a win-win situation. However, I understand why people do it -- to save your own sanity and sense of free will and peace. Sometimes you have to let go of the control you are trying to gain, especially if no one else is on your team. Easier said than done....and I think there are a lot of negatives to disengaging. You will be involved in this kids life for as long as you and your husband are together (hopefully forever!) and I sometimes think disengaging seems like an easy option for the time being but that it can backfire later in life once the kid is an adult and can make mature decisions.
My suggestion is that you need to have a major talk with your husband. Either you both need to get on the same page (he needs to make a more conscious effort to 'notice' the things that need to be fixed so you don't have to be the bad guy all the time) or you will start to disengage. You are a parent, you obviously care about how the stepkid turns out or you wouldn't have gotten yourself in this situation to begin with. Try approaching it that way with your husband so he doesn't feel attacked for being a "bad" parent or something like that. I think every bio parent gets defensive if you criticize their kid in any way -- even if you are their partner in life. It's just how it is. Be very sensitive about that but let him know that this is causing you stress that you don't deserve. There are a lot of steps who would never put themselves in your shoes (i.e. becoming the primary disciplinarian)...you took on a big role and your husband let that occur...so it may be confusing that 'suddenly' your outlook on that role has changed. Gather your thoughts, read some step parenting books, and put down some main points. Take baby steps towards change. Nail down a few important things that you would like your H to do differently in disciplining his son and go from there. Don't expect a complete change in parenting habits right away...and expect that your stepson may make it hard to make changes.
Thank you to you all for your
Thank you to you all for your advice. I have to say to sueu2 that the counseling you brought up is impossible for us. We have asked on numerous occasions for permission to take SS to counseling. BM has to sign off and she won't. My guess is she knows what kinds of info will come out. So we can't even get him help. Joint custody laws in my state are crap and they favor the mother's all the time, regardless of the situation the child is in. In addition to that, the teachers will not speak to us. We have had this issue since kindergarten. It has pretty much been told to us that they would rather upset us than have BM blow up about them talking to us. We get report cards mailed to us, but we have zero access to the school website and we don't get notifications of parent teacher conferences. Our hands are tied because of a psycho BM and a school system that really doesn't care, they just don't want her upset. I have tried disengaging myself, I've told my husband I am done with the disciplining but that has never stuck. I need to, though, because I am just SICK to death of how I feel about this. Someone else had mentioned not to remind him to brush his teeth - he'll get cavities, not our problem. Well, it IS our problem when we have to carry him on our insurance. I don't need to be paying money out of pocket for this kid, at the age of 12, to have had over 15 cavities in his life. That's absolutely ridiculous.
I agree with snarky01 and
I agree with snarky01 and your comment Omaha. You hit it on the head. When I think why SS10 just annoys me, you are right. I can never think of the right sentence, it always comes out wrong, but your EXACTLY on the money.
We try so hard on a daily basis to do things and as selfish as it sounds saying the words "it's a huge inconvenience to your world" is so true. ESPECIALLY, if there are other kids in the scenario too. I am trying to walk my BD6 on the straight path and here comes SS10 messing it all up. I feel my lip curl when I am dealing with him to the point that smoke and fire wanna come out of my eyes, ears and mouth. It's like BM is the reason you are like you are and I don't have time to fix her bad parenting.
My question is how do you tell DH what the above w/out hurting his feelings? I've tried before and he got defensive.
@snarky - I'm glad I can
@snarky - I'm glad I can help, even though my comment makes me feel bad. But I can't lie, you know?