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I'm dying inside and DH has no clue

Unhappy's picture

Submitted by Unhappy on Mon, 11/19/2012 - 11:41pm

Two and a half years ago I lost a child. I know it was going to be a little boy. I was going to name him Conner. I bought Conner a Chrtimas present this year. I thought he would be into basket ball. My brother always liked basket ball. It had the cutest little picture of a father and his son playing together. It reminded me of if Conner was around how DH would have played basket ball with him. I think Conner would realy like it. This is the first time that I've done this and it's really hard. None of the kids know that they would of had another sibling. We have never honored Conner's life regardless of how short it was.

I wasnt there when Conner's heart stopped beating. No matter how little he was he still had heart. I will never forgive myself for that. He died all alone and I wasnt there for him and it's killing me inside.

Comments

StickAFork's picture

Submitted by StickAFork on Mon, 11/19/2012 - 11:51pm

Honey, if this is still causing you so much pain, that you're keeping all to yourself, after 2 1/2 years, PLEASE find someone you trust to talk to. If you don't, this is likely to eat you alive, slowly, from the inside out.

I don't know if you were pregnant and miscarried (it was going to be a little boy?) or how you weren't there at the time, but it sounds like you're still really hurting over this. Please find a way to give this pain its voice.

Unhappy's picture

Submitted by Unhappy on Tue, 11/20/2012 - 12:26am

Thanks Old Dart. I had a hard time seeing the screen when I typed this post. I had been crying for over an hour. I just needed to get it out and DH, well, he wouldn't listen, or understand where I'm coming from.

Unhappy's picture

Submitted by Unhappy on Tue, 11/20/2012 - 12:49pm

I have not gotten any sort of grief counceling. I have EAP through my work and I already have the authorization number to use it. I've made several calls but nobody calls me back. Apparently my works money is no good around here. I know that I need to talk to someone about this in order to move on.

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Tue, 11/20/2012 - 2:49am

I agree wtih Old Dart's suggestion - you really do need to talk this through - not just online. Is there any reason you can't talk to your DH about this? He might be hurting too and hasn't told you.

Lalena75's picture

Submitted by Lalena75 on Tue, 11/20/2012 - 6:19am

Hugs, that's all I really have to add a big hug and my sincere condolences no one wants to lose a baby and it is hard.

ctnmom's picture

Submitted by ctnmom on Tue, 11/20/2012 - 7:52am

You poor thing. God bless you. Please look into grief counseling- it helps so much to talk to people who've been through the same thing. I'm alcoholic, I go to AA but it's my weekly group that really seems to give me peace. CONNOR WASN'T ALONE. He had a piece of you and a piece of DH in his heart, and he was safe and content in the loving arms of God.

bi's picture

Submitted by bi on Tue, 11/20/2012 - 9:22am

i'm so sorry and i know how hard this is to deal with. i lost a baby girl last year to stillbirth. i have a lot of regrets about how i handled things. it's hard to make decisions in such a horrible state of grief. very very few people knew about Melody, and it hurts me that she's just a miscarriage to the few that did know about her. she was not a miscarriage, she was my daughter, and i did not miscarry, i had to deliver her. she was my 3rd loss. i had 2 miscarriages before her. she would be almost 10 months old right now. i still think about her every day. all i have are ultrasound pictures and molds of her profile, hands and feet that the nurse made for me.

fdh doesn't know how badly this had affected me, either. he's still never looked at the molds as far as i know. i do my grieving alone. i used to not understand women who were so upset long after a loss occured. i wish with all my heart that i still didn't understand, but i do.

if you ever want to talk privately, please let me know.

RedWingsFan's picture

Submitted by RedWingsFan on Tue, 11/20/2012 - 9:52am

SO very sorry for your loss. I've been there. It hurts immensely. You won't ever just "get over it" but yes, the passage of time really does heal.

I do hope you're able to find someone you can trust to talk to about your feelings. I'm so sorry I can't be of more help. All I can do is relate and sympathize.

Take care, hang in there and I wish you well. Sad

Unhappy's picture

Submitted by Unhappy on Tue, 11/20/2012 - 12:44pm

Thanks everyone. I had my moment of weakness last night. I can't always hold everything inside. I think things get worse for me around the holidays. It makes it harder to try and not think about it. I just wish things could be different. I wish that Conner was still here. I could just see SD being a great big sister to him and my BD trying to teach him how to play on her DS or the computer. SS would probably be mad, but I could see him trying to play with him too.

I have a picture of DH with his son when he was first born that I took out of the family photo albums. It's so cute. DH is passed out in his recliner with SS passed out on his shoulder. I love that picture of the two of them. It makes me think about how great of a father he would have been to Conner.