I am washing my hands of SS's

I give up! Every effort I have made to help raise these kids in a safe and loving home has been thrown back in my face for over 4 years now, and I quit! I am not gonna be the nice guy anymore! My main concern is for my 4 children, don't get me wrong when (if) SS's decide they want to treat me with respect I will be there for them, but I have had enough of being treated like Sh*t!! I left my first marriage because my first husband was abusive, I will not let some little brats walk all over me, I will never live like that again! I am here to stay and DH and I are truely in love and meant to be together, and If these skids don't like it they are Free to go, and I wish they would, Then DH and I could have a little peace in our house(something he had never known, either his EX gave him trouble or his kids). I am staanding up for myself and my children and my marriage, and If these little Brats don't like it, Too Bad!!! Go live with your mom, you are not gonna live here and expect everyone to kiss your asses, either shape up or ship out!!

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I support your sentiment

I support your sentiment completely. I deeply believe that there is a point of no return in these later teen years especially, but probably much earlier, where they are enough of an independent person in their own minds and with the power they are given that DH really CAN'T do anything to change it. He may have and in my case absolutely did contribute...he may even enable and behave in the same ways he always has toward the kid(s), which is infuriating....but if you step back from it, it's done. What's done is done and even if he does completely change his interactions with them, I still think the likelihood they will change as a result is ZERO. The only way people change is if they want to...and what possible incentive do they have to inspire personal change? Yep...ZERO...that requires one of two things...a good heart that wants to do the 'right' thing or a huge incentive that makes it 'worth it'. But option B is still FAKE and TEMPORARY....giving up as much as you humanly can, being the obviously caring person that you are, and try to think about yourself and those who love you (love as a verb).

I feel better about my

I feel better about my decision now, I will be caring and loving to them as long as they show me respect, but I will no longer quietly tolerate being treated like shit! Last night SS12 went on a tirade to attack me saying that since I came into the picture they never get to do any of the good things they used to do... not true, they do more now than they ever did and DH takes my side on this. SS12 went on this great big speach letting me know how much he hates me and everything is my fault and everything I do sucks... I told him that that is too bad because I am not going anywhere and if he didn't like it he can go!! I am no longer going to bite my tounge when he starts flapping his, perhaps a bit of his own medicine everytime he starts might remind him to shut his mouth once in a while!~

I agree. I went through this

I agree. I went through this as part of my path. It's a process. Disengaging comes in stages and many forms. Hopefully it will evolve from you demanding respect to commanding it. There's a difference, but when you are feeling used and abused it is impossible in my experience to command respect.

Although...
demanding it really didn't work for me either. Hence the evolution to a different and more healthy form of disengagement that I've been practicing now.

"I'm in F#CK OFF Mode." ~ Stepmadness

Washing your hands in the

Washing your hands in the form of disengaging would be wonderful for this child, you, and your whole family (imo). There is no way you or dh have had time to try all the 3 pages of responses to your last vent about this child and it doesn't seem like you are interested in trying things suggested to fix the situation so stepping back and focusing on your own kids instead of confrontations with this child would be best. If the drama, chaos, and physical discipline continues to increase I have no doubt that you or your dh will have cps at your door given the child's threats to already call them in and the anger flying around from everyone. You need to realize when they come if a problem is found it is not that they just take the ss away or look at the parenting of him but ALL of the minor kids, including yours, will be at risk. Disengage, disengage, disengage.

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