My FH and I have been together for 3 years as of today. When we met, he had been separated from his wife for over a year. She kicked him out to move in the man she was cheating on him with.

A little less than a year into our relationship, she got a lawyer and started the divorce. FH signed the papers. A year after that, nothing came of it and we discovered her lawyer was retired, so FH hired his own lawyer and started all over. This was in January.

Because of his lawyer's incompetence, BM did not get served until March. The preceedings occurred in June which she did not bother to show up for. She had no idea he was seeking full custody though, I can't see how she wouldn't put that together considering what a f@#$ up she's been. FH was named sole managing conservator with BM being allowed visitation. Although they were supposed because of above mentioned incompetent lawyer, the court did not send her a copy of the ruling. FH didn't tell her how it went, because she's crazy and he said he wanted the kids to enjoy their summer before turning their lives upside down. He told her around the middle of August.

A week later, she has a lawyer and we have a letter saying FH must appear at a motion for a new trial. The motion for the new trial was Oct. 31. We got a more competent lawyer and BM was denied her new trial, but now has a shot at one, I believe through a bill of review. We haven't heard anything about that since Oct. 31. Haven't gotten anything from her lawyer, haven't heard anything from ours.
I'm still not sure if they are technically divorced yet or not. I reckon I should call the lawyer and find that out.

As for negative effect on my family, no. They respect my decisions and my mom adores FH.

During the beginning of a divorce, a lot of times the bread winner of the disolving marriage is hit pretty hard financially (with child support and spousal maintenance). After review and arguing over the amounts, the amount is usually lowered to an at least agreeable amount. Not always, but usually.

To answer your questions:

1.) DH's exwife filed for divorce two months after they separated and it was finalized almost a year later.

2.) My family loves DH, so I can't really relate to this issue BUT can understand as a mother, your dad's concern for his daughter. DH's dealings with his ex-wife have costed me dearly...both emotionally and finacially. I could see where a parent would be upset to the pain that SOMEONE ELSE is causing their child. We as the new women get dumped on A LOT directly and most times indirectly (the whole cause and affect of other's actions that we have no participation in) and I can imagine it's difficult to watch.

I, like you, got to sit front row to the whole disaster of my DH's divorce to his exwife. It was ugly, and got uglier and now almost 4 years later I still struggle but am quite content that it's not as bad as it once was.

A big warm welcome. You are amongst friends.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

hi witty,

for your first question, BM and F broke up 12 yrs ago, so I'm not going to be all that helpful with that. For my own divorce, it took about a year and a half for it to be legally finalized from the time we separated.

I'm really responding b/c of part 2 of your post. Like you, I don't have any kids of my own, and it has been hard with my family and this situation. It took some doing to get them "over" the fact that he had a child out of wedlock at age 17. They can be very old school, and this is just really hard for them. My F would have actually had another daughter with another woman, except the baby died the day it was born. Again, something really hard for my family to get over. They really have no frame of reference for all the step issues we go through, and unfortunately my mom has borne the brunt of my ravings and frustrations with the situation and with BM. I come a family of educated people, and BM's trashy existence is just beyond me and even further beyond my parents. My mom said to me the other day how she and my father ponder what they could have done differently so that my life would not have ended up this way. Ouch.

I do defend my F, compared to my last husband who my folks thought was so great, my F is wonderful, supportive, encouraging, and has been an unwaveringly good partner to me for the last few years. But honestly if I got on my feet jobwise, met a Dr. with no baggage (aka skids/bms) and left my F and married him, they wouldn't exactly shed tears. I don't think in their heart of hearts they think F is "good enough" and much of that comes from all the BS with BM.

All this is complicated by my relationship and their relationship with SD. I know my parents are reluctant to get attached to either of them (F or SD) b/c they did get attached to my ex, and it was very hard for them to let that go. Knowing them the way that I do, I can tell they are more reserved around F, but it's harder for them with SD, b/c they want a grandchild so much, and this may be as close as they get, so they are caught between wanting to reach out to her more and being afraid of losing her.

All I can say to you is don't let your family go. Family may not always be as sensitive and tactful as we'd like, but they speak from a place of love and concern. Reading all the stories shared on this site, you can understand why they might not want this road for you, especially if you are very young.

Regarding the divorce, I hope it does bring needed closure to your life, but again, many many women here have it signed sealed and delivered, and the problems and stress continue, sometimes even getting worse. Hopefully that will not be the case for you, I do wish you all the best!!!

from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.

dont let go of your family for him...they have to do alittle accepting, of your choices and your life, and u hav eto understand why they feel that way.

as far as the divorce, i cant comment bc BM and DH were never married and shes as LOONY as they come and even crazier than u can imagine.

good luck and welcome!

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

I can't really help you with the 1st question as BF's relationship with BM was long over with and buried in the history books before we got together.

But, I do have plenty of experience with answering the family question. My relationship with my family has been negatively affected b/c of my relationship with BF, especially with my father. Like Northern's parents, my parents are extremely old school (babies out of wedlock, living together before marriage, etc. big no-no with them), and when I told them that BF and I moved into together you would think that I just walked up to them and stabbed them in the gut. My dad took it especially hard and would not speak to me for over 6 months. He thinks that I am in a situation that isn't good enough for me, BF isn't treating me right because we've been living together for two years and we're not married, that I'm wasting my time in a relationship that will never progress toward that, etc., you get the drift.

Since all this has went down, BF hardly ever comes with me now when I visit my parents because of how my dad feels. It makes for a very uncomfortable situation. I had to tell them that BF and I are together for better or worse, and that when we spend time with them as a family, I expect them to treat him with kindness and respect, no matter how they really feel about him. I'm happy with him, and that's all that should matter to them.

Eventhough we're adults, our parents still have a hard time seeing us as such (especially dads with daughters). It's hard for them to accept that they don't really have a say in our lives anymore, and just have to sit and helplessly watch us make the choices that we make, good or bad. My parents eventually came around. They don't like the situation, but they do love me, so they accept it. Keep the lines of communication open with them. Hopefully soon they will come around and be more accepting.

My BF and BM were never married so sorry but I can't answer your first question.

As for your second question,I know exactly how you feel and how hard it is. Just like Brooklynne my parents are very old school. It took my father a fair while to just accept the fact the my ex husband and I were separated.
When I met BF and things were moving along I told my parents about him. Mum just wants to keep peace so all she said was if he makes you happy then I'm happy as for my dad well lets just say a volcano errupted. Dad told me that BF is never to come into his house and he will never be welcome there, How could he have 3 children out of wedlock, he must have done something wrong for BM to leave him, you will never be important enough to him etc.....
Then came Sundays which is family lunch day at my parents (we have been doing this for as long as I can remember). Grandma comes over, mum, dad, brother, SIL, neice and me but BF was not welcome. BF and I always use to argue when I would go, I couldn't choose between my family or BF and it put major strain on our relationship on top of everything else. BF said he was upset that dad judged him before even meeting him and when we have a child if dad wont meet BF than dad will never meet his grandchild, it was very hard and upsetting at the time. I cut my Sundays down to EOW when BF had the skids (it was a great excuse to escape from the skids, that was the only good part)but it came to the point that either dad had to accept BF or I no longer go there, the stress it was putting of BF and I was too much. I basically told mum that if BF isn't welcome there then I wouldn't be going over either. This absolutly killed my mother as Sundays are so important to her.
Then there was a break through. After not going over for about a month my dad called me out of the blue (it was actually BF birthday which was a Saturday)and asked me if BF and I would like to come for lunch the following day, Sunday, yes you read right BF too. It seems that mum been having words with dad and she basically told him if he doen't except BF and he will loose his daughter, dad didn't believe mum until I stopped going on Sundays.
Since the first meet the parents moment, BF and dad get along great better than what dad got along with my ex husband(the rest of the family had already met BF). Dad and mum havn't met the skids, not sure if their ready for that yet.

There is always light at the end of the tunnel and I'm sure it will work out for you. Miracles do happen cause trust me my dad meeting BF was a miracle.

Enjoy the site, it's great and we are all here to listen and help whenever we can.

My hubby filed for divorce before she ever moved out! He filed in 4/2001 & it was finalized in 6/2001. This was in HI. They didn't own any property, she didn't work & he was claimed to be the father of her son (which we recently learned he is not...whole other story though) So he did the child support calculator, agreed to pay $400/mo...filed all the papers himself without an attorney. She signed (probably out of guilt for all the affairs & getting pregnant by other men). So he did it super fast & it was finalized super fast. He is military & gets a raise every year, plus promotions in his rank, so he is making almost double what he was back then. She never tried to take him to court for more cs. And in 2004 she got busted for drugs & he got sole legal & physical custody of HER child and still has it, but the kid has been back living with her for the last 3 years. So there is no child support order, but he went back to paying the $400 when the kid moved back...but when I got laid off & we found out its not even his kid, we started paying $250/mo. So thats where we are right now with it. I separated from my ex in 8/2005 and in my state you have to be separated for a year to file for divorce. I met my now DH 2 months later. So as soon as that year was up I filed, thankfuly my now DH paid for it or I wouldn't have been able to afford it. It was finalized 2 months after because my EX just didn't respond to it at all. I only asked for divorce, we did not ask the courts to rule in any way with our house, custody, child support, etc...we worked all that out on our own. Which is amazing because we did not get along AT ALL. I ended up keeping the house & got him off the deed. He only lived in it for 6 months before we split, so I paid him $1800 to sign it over to me. He is still on the mortgage though. But we have no court orders in regards to child support or custody. I keep my son & he visits (he lives 7 hours away). His paychecks get deposited into my account, I take the child support out (half the amount out of each check) and transfer him the rest. Its been like that for 3 1/2 years so far and it works for us. But he has not met anyone new yet either. I'm sure once he does the new girlfriend/finacee/wife will put a stop to a lot of our arrangement! Then we'll probably have to go thru the courts. But for now it works for us...anyways, 2nd question: my family loves my DH to death. In fact, they tell ME that I'M the lucky one to have found him!

"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"