Ok disengagers, need tips, I'm ready....
I've fricken had it with HCBM and her bullshit. My hubby has blocked her on all forms of communication other than she can call and leave a voicemail, because if she's able to email or text we get rant after rant about the pettiest bullshit, then she'll call 2 days later and appologize for being in one of her "moods again" *cough*bi-polar*cough*
We have the kids 50/50. She's supposed to pay a percentage for things and refuses. We take care of all the medical stuff cause she's lazy and won't do it and cause we have this thing called jobs and benefits. She hasn't worked in 18 months now and is living off the government. She also tries to get out of her holiday extra time with the kids since we share those, hubby doesn't let her though.
Thing is, I do ALOT for hubby. I pay for all the kids shit for school and activities cause he sucks at figuring out all those online accounts, he pays me back but I'm the one who remembers it all, does it ontime, and then HCBM won't even pay us back her measly 30% that's court ordered cause she "can't afford it" yet the kids are coming over in EXSPENSIVE name brand clothing all the time.
I just want to stop doing it, Why am I, when they have a Mother of the Year? and they have a father! Why am I the only one who is responsible. I told my hubby I wasn't going to anymore, we should let her, and she can submit receipts to us, and he seemed annoyed....well what if she doesn't do it???? Well then YOU can!
So do I just stop doing all these extra things I do to make my husband and his crazy ex's life easier? I think I have a right to. I took all this on because that's my personality, I like to get things done and am very organised, and in the beginning I felt bad the kids wern't signed up for any activities, and never got hot lunch, but now that I've been around 7 years, and they don't appreciate it, and still think that coke heads shit don't stink, I'm just so done!
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I guess....
I guess all the StepTalkers will tell you to just stop but I'm like you, it's my personality to be organized. It would have driven me nuts not to see things done.
My disengagement from YSS, then a teen, took the form of not disciplining him anymore, not driving him to things (but he was old enough to get rides or drive himself), not talking to him beyond being civil and polite. I also stopped going to school for the meetings required because of his misbehavior. I'm not sure how I would have disengaged when the kids were younger.
Our BM was hopeless, too. Although DH was paying an orthodontist, she neglected to take SD half the time. Job? Get serious. The kids were surprised when I attended teacher's conferences once they moved here. Apparently, she didnt always go. Crazy land.
MY SS's are teens and were
MY SS's are teens and were older when I came around, like 7 and 8, so they are far more difficult to deal with cause they had more exposure to BM when she was on drugs. My SD was only 2 when I met her and we have a fabulous relationship. I've been finding myself disengaging from the boys alot more lately, like you said I'm civil and polite to them, but I don't go out of my way to have a close relationship with them, they've complained about me far too many times to BM, when I do everything for those little punks! ;)
You're overfunctioning,
You're overfunctioning, exhausting yourself, and feeling resentment set in.
It's very convienent for your DH to suck at the financial piece because you do it for him.
How about setting up a 30-day training period for him? Show him what to do, then transition to him doing it while you watch, then finally transition to him taking care of it without you. He's the parent. He'd have to handle it if you weren't there, and the more resentful you feel the closer it comes to you not being there. All those online things aren't mysterious. He's just actively helpless.
Then you're out. You've done everything you can, and if his kids aren't signed up, or run out of lunch money, or whatever, it's not on you.
If he's annoyed SO WHAT? He's ok with you being annoyed, so you hand it back to him.
THIS! Thank you! He is ok
THIS! Thank you! He is ok with me being annoyed.....so ya, it's time for him to be annoyed, I don't HAVE to deal with it I was doing it to be nice and feel like I get walked all over by him and his shitty ex.
I don't have a HCBM, just a
I don't have a HCBM, just a passive agressive one and I NEVER EVER deal with her. EVER. I don't give much head space to her at all.
I was doing a LOT for DH too, and still help him with his personal stuff (ADD is real), but I've really backed off helping with SDs starting long ago. I am also the organizer and planner and like to do stuff but it was clear that NO ONE appreciated it or wanted my help so I stopped.
The best way for me to do so was slowly. Cutting it all out at once would not have worked for me personally and DH would not have had time to adjust. So my suggestion is start slow. Cut one or two things you do that he could EASILY take over, let those settle then move on to others. One of the first things I stopped doing was planning fun stuff. I buy tickets to things and no one ends up wanting to go the day of and DH backs the SDs on this? NOPE. Done. If it involves the SDs then DH is the planner, period. It's pretty easy to let go of this - just do your own thing. No HOT LUNCH?! The HORROR. Seriously, the SDs are like this too. Both of them categorically refused to eat sandwiches, still true to this day and they are teens. After a few battles and lunch alterations that especially OSD balked against, I told DH one day that I was done with it. He and OSD could figure it out (she was 11 by then). I still helped YSD until she was 10 and then YSD just started doing it on her own. Oh he hated helping with lunches and so HE made OSD start doing her own.
Just a couple examples. I added on from there and now I'm to the point where I've stopped buying some things specifically for YSD only because of more issues and DH must get them himself. I don't do much with any SD any longer (OSD is PASd out anyway) due to DH mostly.
This sounds exactly like my
This sounds exactly like my husband. I told him I wasn't making lunches anymore for the kids cause 1. I was sick of them complaining what I made and half of it coming home and 2. the boys are teenagers, they can make themselves a lunch.
He now has all 3 kids making their own lunches lol and I know they are just packing crap and I just laugh to myself, cause he always asked me to pack them healthy lunches.
Decide what you are willing
Decide what you are willing to keep doing and what you will give up doing. Keep doing the things that make your life easier, and stop those that you do only to make him more comfortable. No doubt they are both able to do less because you do more. Especially when it comes to money. Stop helping your DH pay for the kids and maybe he will demand BM's portion or take her to court.
Good advice! Sick of her
Good advice! Sick of her coming off as this victim...she refused to pay for one of the things for oldest SS cause she said the school know's I'm poor and will give me that for free, so I'm not paying my part for that! Yet the same SS comes over in $200 shoes she just got him. You're not poor, you just don't want to spend your money on the boring things cause we do, then you get to spoil the kids and be the hero.
If they have a formal court
If they have a formal court agreement that she pays 30%, he needs to gather receipts and file in court for what she owes. Why would she pay when she knows you two will cover it for her?
I don't think he thinks it's
I don't think he thinks it's worth it to do all that just over $50, $100, $200 here and there, but it adds up. I don't agree with him letting her get away with this all the time and it pisses me off, so that's why I think I need to disengage from the situation. If he's not gonna hold her to it, maybe if I'm not the one doing it all and putting it on my CC till he pays me back, I won't care so much.
Check into this. Here all you
Check into this. Here all you have to do is mail in the receipts with your PACSES account #. They add it to the child support.
Charge your DH for your services
I've just googled and found the following:
sweet spot is generally between $15 and $30 per hour for executive assistant services and $40-$75 per hour for higher level marketing or financial tasks
You are providing financial tasks so set an appropriately high rate. *ROFL*
hahahaha!!! Love it.
hahahaha!!! Love it.
We only have SSs EOWE, so I
We only have SSs EOWE, so I don't have to do things related to their life, but neither HCBM nor DH can plan worth a darn, so if they were with us more, I'd likely be in your same situation. For example, one SS still has school fines from 2 years ago on his account. Not sure how he can still play sports and participate in activities, but apparently, the school can't keep track either, even though the fines are clearly listed on his account.
One thing I stopped doing for DH was planning anything fun while they are around. I don't plan vacations, I don't plan outings. There are a few exceptions. For example, I want Christmas photos of my daughter and know that if we don't include SSs on the photo for our Christmas card there will be huge drama, so I booked the photo session and have purchased clothes for SSs to wear (BM always gives us pictures from her family photo shoot and SSs wore ratty sweatshirts last year, so I'm not relying on them to pick clothes). Other than things that I want or need, I leave it up to DH. I don't even help him with Christmas presents anymore, because we would get nice things and then SSs would complain that we didn't get them anything "off their list".
It's easier for me to disengage, because they are only here EOWE, but it's worth it. Granted, it's annoying that I have two people who come to my house EOWE who just do what they want and report everything back to BM like little spies, but keeping them at arm's length has helped my sanity.
Why don’t yo
Keep track of all those 30% $. When it gets to a few hundred $. Buy yourself something. Spa Dsy. Go somewhere, let DH pay for it. He won't care. He doesn't care about BM giving him the money for SK, then he will not care About you spending equal amount plus a little more