Damn ... what I didn't realize about the BM having the majority of the custody ...
When the kids were younger my husband wanted them to come and live with us because he worried his ex wouldn't do a good job. I wasn't so keen on full time custody & apparently I didn't see/know what hubby did, so I ixnayed that idea.
Fast forward 12 years ... now, after BM essentially raised them we have two miniature versions of HER with all her neuroses, fears, inability to deal with life, etc. :sick:
I didn't even stop to realize this is what would happen. So, now we have to try to teach them how to react properly when life throw a curveball, how to even do simple things like wrapping a present, since their Mom didn't teach them. Poor kids don't even have some basic life skills.
Just wanted to share. For those in a similar position so they might consider a different decision before it's too late and the kids are adults. (shaking my head)
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I just said to my DH the
I just said to my DH the other day, SD17 has been taught no life skills about how to socialize or interact with people when they oppose your view, life style, statements, ect. SD17 blows her top and tries to use a superiority complex.
I just got her a job (because a grown man and a 17 year old young adult) couldnt figure out how to get her one so in order to get her the hell out of my house as she does nothing but sit there and work my nerves, I got her one. I cant wait til little miss bad temper and attitude gets pissed at someone at work. I hope the squash her like a bug
This is so common. No life
This is so common. No life skills, no ability to handle conflict or an opposing view point. Rudeness is a way of life for my skids. They do not understand that you cannot be rude to everyone in this world and get your way. Great job MOTY! Helping them to understand that the world does not revolve around them, their needs, wants and desires is difficult at best.
BM shows them that she'll find a man that will take care of her financially and she doesn't need a job. Well, reality is going to be a big booger for them when BM no longer receives CS for them and she'll make them get a job to take care of her. BM is not going to grow up and she has shown them that you can rely on everyone else to take care of you. Nice set up for life!
^^^^^ Yep^^^^^ I've read
^^^^^ Yep^^^^^ I've read plenty of posts from SMs who helped their DH get custody of their kids only to regret it later.
Either they spend a lot in legal costs and don't win, or even if they do get custody, the stepkids are still nightmares and daddy is still a disneydad. Getting full custody is not a guarantee stepkids will turn into responsible, respectful individuals.
So true. I regret it big
So true. I regret it big time. Though now that I'm stuck in it, I know I did the right thing. But would I do it again? When pigs fly & Lindsay Lohan gets sober..really sober.
DH freaked me out when SD14
DH freaked me out when SD14 got caught having sex over at BM's last year when she was only 13. He said, "I have enough hard evidence of BM's neglect and lack of supervision and I think I want to go after full custody of SD" and I tell you, I don't think I've ever shook that hard in my life...
I told him at the time I'd support whatever choice he made but inside I was screaming NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Thank GOD that was a fleeting thought in his head and after he spoke with a few attorneys that said, sure, it can be done but it's going to cost you, he decided against it. WHEW! Dodged that HUGE bullet!
He is an adult now. Ten
He is an adult now. Ten years ago he was only eleven.
Damn ... didn't think of that
Damn ... didn't think of that either. So you are screwed or screwed. Great options.
Agree Tog. Though we got full
Agree Tog. Though we got full custody of skid. After the continuing legal bills & drama, the psychotic drama, the PAS, the bullshit is unbearable. I wish we did not get custody. But now we did & BM is certifiable, I have to make the best of it & that included disengaging. So be prepared that it's hard AFTER you get the skid too.
It sounds like you and your
It sounds like you and your FDH have a good pair of heads on your shoulders. Keep up the good work.
Yeah I can see this happening
Yeah I can see this happening already and skids are boys 8 and almost 6. But we have 50/50. So I spend our week explaining/showing them that the world does not revolve around them and that they need to act their ages so of course they are always super excited to go back to la la land ( aka BM's house)
We have talked about going for full custody but we are worried about attachment issues ( they are super attached to BM) the cost and the strain on our lives. Though is already stresses me out and ticks me off on a regular basis.
Even after 3 years of us
Even after 3 years of us having skids...down to just SD now...and DSO will throw out the 'But you know what a slob BM is, that is how they were brought up'. NO, DSO, SD has lived with us full time for 3 years, that is long enough to learn that I don't do laundry when I am working my shift (3 days of 12.5 hours plus 1.15 hrs total commute), she knows to put her laundry out when I'm done with my 3 days.
I was off Thurs thru Sun, went back to work Mon at 7am. Sunday at 8pm, the hallway is full of her laundry. I could pick it up, but I'm not home so I'll let DSO see and trip and smell her pile for a few more days.
I hate taking SD shopping too. What do you need SD, 'I don't know". I tell her now, well if you don't know what you need then I guess it's nothing.
"They are half genetically
"They are half genetically the BM and sometimes you can not teach away all the weirdness they inherit in their biological make up. I think a lot of personality is genetic and a lot of intelligence is genetic. So who knows you might have lost the battle of turning them into responsible self reliant adults even if you had raised them from birth cause they of BM's genes"
Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a winner......
This is my second go round at step parenting and its totally true, moms a pathological liar? good chance one of her darling babies will be, dads a narcissistic ego maniac? good chance on that one getting passed on as well , both parents contributed a half a brain each and junior desperately just wants to get as far away as possible? you could get lucky on that one happening too... maybe.
I just had a flash forward
I just had a flash forward moment where I could see my ss being the same way. Right now he is 8 and his dad isreally wanting to get his son a lot more. I'm still nervous about it's, his son and I don't really have a relationship after 3 years, but f he doesn't come around mire he will be a helpless brat. Its already starting to witness something alien when these kids come over and you can't help but have the 'really' look on our faces. Its even harder when our guys are disappointed and frustrated with how their kids are turning out. We can only do so much when they are actually here. In the end we can only do the best we can andhope the kid will one day wipe their butts by them selves lol