Hindsight is 20/20 I guess
Today marked 8 months since my H and I stood at the altar and said our vows. And they arent kidding when they tell you the first year is the hardest. Im beginning to think it is damn near impossible when a stepchild is involved.
Now. Didnt I just say that my H and I stood at the altar and said our vows? Doesnt it say in the bible (from a religious point here) that a man leaves his parents and takes to his wife? That God is first followed by your marriage and children come after that? Wouldnt any therapist stress that the marriage comes first and if you fail to put it first then it will fail?
Am I such a terrible person because I fell in love with my H before ever meeting his child? Do I have to automatically like and want to be around his child? Am I supposed to give up my freedom because he has a child to become his babysitter?
My H thinks his child is a part of our marriage. I thought I was saying my vows to the man I fell in love with. His family is telling him he never should have married me because I dont automatically love his child and want to spend all my free time with him.
Latelty my H has done a real good job of showing me just how much everyone elses feelings mean to him. He takes his mothers side and sticks up for her, apologizing to her on my behalf when I am not sorry for telling her that what goes on in my marriage is none of her business and she needs to stay out of it. He has met everyones requests this week except for mine. Why cant his kid spend one night the whole week with his grandmother so that his wife can have one peaceful night of intimacy with him?
I guess Im just an evil bitch and he never should have married me. Of course, if I would have given it more time to see what my life would have been like. If I would have met the kid before I fell in love with the man. I dont know that I would have married him. And now as I apparently only have my family who is in support of the marriage. As I only have my family telling me to stick it out. Im wondering if its even worth the fight anymore.
Sorry for ranting and venting. But I have held it all in long enough and I just need to release some of the pressure. Thanks for listening though.
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Comments
Sweetoctober:
You are not an evil bitch. You are human! We love our child since the moment is born. But it doesn't work like that with a stepchild for several reasons: 1)The child was created by the person you love and someone ELSE, therefore, the child represents his/her past, to an extent. 2)We don't usually meet our stepchildren when they are newborns, therefore we find ourselves annoyed by this kid that has been parented by other people, many times acting like your kid (or how you picture your kid) wouldn't act. 3)Many times, you have to deal with "doing things" for this child, but without getting paid NOR even having a say about the kid's issues. You become a THIRD party in the child's life...
What you feel is totally normal. You are not supposed to "love" your stepchild right away. It just doesn't happen like that, and that is a myth.
I don't really understand the custody arrangements, and how many days a week you guys have your SS, but you need time alone INDEED, and there is nothing wrong. You are a recently married woman that wants to enjoy her husband without the annoying kid! makes sense to me.
Now, As fas as the " I thought I was saying my vows to the man I fell in love with." part goes, well, you DID say your vows to that man, but a man WITH a child, and as much as it might bother you because people say this all the time, you "knew that", so you do have to make efforts to try to bond with this child, and maybe find an activity that you two can enjoy together as well as make DH understand that a couple needs "couple" time...
Good luck!
~You can see clearly only with your heart. What is truly important is invisible to the eyes~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry's
Oh, yeah. Hindsight. Too bad it's so much clearer than foresite
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
I myself have just walked thru the first year of marriage with H. And most likely the last year, also.
And altho many of our problems stem from H's own deceptions, my oldest SD is also a huge part of what I want out of my life. Permanently. And I am not evil. I am a loving, caring woman who got duped.
The fact that your H is siding against you is ringing alarm bells, big time. H is always cooking up something with SD18, their secret brew, so to speak, and doing his best to do it all behind my back. Because, in words he once said to me, SD18 hates me. The time has come for the feeling to be mutual. And has eroded my feelings for him to the point that I really dread his days off, when he's here.
If your H will not stand beside you, what is there? I mean, really, isn't that a basic to marriage? To have and hold from this day forward. Forsaking all others? That does not mean just other women. That also includes those who would attack your spouse, as your H's mother attacks you, as SD18 attacks me. Instead of stepping up to the matrimony plate in defense of us, their wives, they fuel the fire, feed the flames that are eating away at our marriages.
I wish you well. Life is too short to spend devoting your love to one who shows no devotion to you.
Wow!
Wow. I am so glad I found this site. I never realized how many people out there went through stuff just like me. Your story sounds so close to mine. Only my SD is now 27 with 2 grandkids and of course has found them to be a very useful ticket for her. Me and her father got together when she was 17 and she is the only child of his. They do not have anything close to having a "normal" father, daughter relationship and she still to this day blames me for that. I am sorry but when I came on the scene 10yrs ago they didnt have a parent/child relationship let alone a father/daughter one and she was pissed because after several and I mean several attemps to get rid of me just like she had done SOOO many before me that she braggs about, she decided to not come around or only call or come around when she needed something. Oh the stories I could tell.. And yet he we are 10yrs later and she is still doing the same things.. Posting nasty hateful untruths in blogs on Myspace about me and the list goes on and on..
The first year of marriage
The first year of marriage is filled with a so many feelings and emotions. We just had our 1 yr anniversary on May 15th and it seemed like things were still hitting the fan...so trust, it goes beyond the first year! The honeymoon period is over and the reality of what we are in has set in. This could be a good or bad thing depending on who you ask. But it's how you handle these chanllenges that arise and it takes you and your DH. Me and Dh are really fighting for our marriage and it takes effort every single day. Marriage is hard and to add skids makes it feel impossible but it's not if there are two willing parties involved. My prayers are with you!
Ours was
May 24th...
~You can see clearly only with your heart. What is truly important is invisible to the eyes~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry's
did you marry my stbxh????
sounds like it. he did the same things to me. he never stuck up for me, he never said no to either bm or mil. he assumed i loved his kid and pawned him off to me for free babysitting. he assumed this so much he even manipulated me into paying his CS.
and you know what. it has been 3 months since i left that excuse for life in which i was miserably drowning. and i cybershout to you... I AM FREE!!!!!
GODWILLING I will never meet or be tethered to a man with kids again. I hated being a stepparent. Not because of the little boy, but because of all the ideals i was FORCED to give up/ such as being the most important person in my husbands life.
every situation is different but i am so thankful to be FREE.
One can only hope!
Sometimes it's nice just to know I am not alone.
I had a conversation with my mother today, a woman who has walked miles in these shoes and who left my stepfather, a man who made all the mistakes my h is now making. I am beginning to realize that h love for me is conditional.
Last night was the first night that I ever felt like I was really close to losing my marriage. H has never threatened it to that point before. I love my H unconditionally. No matter what he does, I still love him. I stay even when I am completely miserable.
It feels like the only way I can keep my marriage is if I become h's babysitter. It took me telling him that I would pick his kid up every night when I get off work. And then he was willing to stop contemplating leaving me.
Please tell me how I am supposed to now feel that I am number one in H life. He loves his kid unconditionally. No matter how disrespectful his mother is to me he still loves her. But I dont want to be the babysitter. I dont want to be tied down with his kid everyday. I want to be free to call my mom at 8:30 at night for a walk and a shoulder to cry on. And if thats what I want, then my H doesnt love me anymore. What kind of marriage is that? Not even a year into it and we are already seeing a therapist. Which hasnt done much good thus far.
H has hurt me so bad these past few weeks that I dont know how much more I can take. I cant keep giving all my love unconditionally to be told that I am only loved if I take on full responsibility with his kid. How is that fair?
you said it
his love for you is conditional. don't let the situation get as bad as i did.
One can only hope!