Sick and Tired of being Sick and Tired.
BM is having a 4th of July party. DH is letting her take the girls even though it's his weekend. The girls are excited because all their friends are gonna be there. I'm excited for them. My boys are going to be at their dad's house. I inquired to DH last night what we could plan because I had a couple of invitations from some different friends.
DH said that he wanted to go over to his ex's so he can "see his girls". :?
Me: "But wasn't it your weekend with the girls?"
DH: "Well, yes, but their mom said she wanted them because she's having a party."
Me: "Hmm. So you want to be with the girls but you let your ex-wife have them... and now you want to go spend time with them at her house. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around that one."
DH: "Well, she invited you also and I just figured we could stop by for a while."
Me: "You know what? I'm good."
DH: "I don't understand what the big deal is"
Me: "I'm well aware of what you don't understand... and I don't think I feel like explaining it for the 900th time. Bottom line though is that I AM NOT GOING."
Now please understand, 6 months ago at her little Christmas soiree, she announced to a room full of people including the girls, that DH was her soulmate and that soulmates don't always end up together but their love is everlasting. This was only AFTER she let them all know what a fat arse I had become since I got married. The night then closed out with her crying and blaming her divorce entirely on me. It was AWESOME. My idea of a real swell time.
So I feel completely justified in not wanting to go. My best friend is having a barbecue and I have every intention of going to that and enjoying my Goddaughter and her newborn baby boy. I can stay the night there and swing over to Ms. Annabihibik's the following morning cause we're going kayaking that day and they live within miles of each other.
DH wants to come with me, that's fine. If he wants to go hang with his ex-wife...I mean daughters... that's fine with me too. I just am losing the ability to care anymore.
This really is so stupid to me anymore. This is not what a marriage looks like, at least not one that I want to be in.
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Wow CG.
Its not as if you haven't tried, and tried, and tried, to do events like these with the BM. I know you have and it always ends up the same way.....with her showing her ass. I don't even think any SM should be expected to be in the same room with BM unless it's a funeral or wedding. Anyways, you are completley right. It's his weekend with the girls, he wants to see them, but he gives them to BM and then wants to go over there to see them at the party. Ummm..no. Sorry. That wouldn't be happening.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this crap right now.
~All you need is Faith, Trust, and a little bit of Pixie Dust~
I'm actually alright.
My give a damn is busted, and I really have gotten to the point that I don't care.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Thats sad. Your husband has
Thats sad. Your husband has no idea what a good thing he has (you) and what he's doing to that. I can honestly say I don't think he'd ever find anyone better than you and what you are willing to put up with amazes me!
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"
don't know
I don't know how you stand the crap that they put on your plate. I understand why you are losing the ability to care and yes, it is too stupid for you to deal with.
Stick to your guns!
After the Xmas party fiasco I wouldn't go either! He has lost his mind! What the hell?? Oh no stick with your plans for that day!! Let him go!! Screw that.. Oh my goodness!
This is some BS!
"And this too shall pass..."
Wow CG
Is he just an idiot or is he learning disabled? All I can think is WTH is the matter with him?
Go and have a wonderful time...might do you some good to get away from them for a while! And tell Miss Matty I said hello!
I will tell her hello
...and I'm done wondering about the going ons in his mind.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
CG
I'm sorry to hear all of this for you. Do you think your DH knows that it seems like he's "thisclose" to losing you, at least emotionally, and possibly more? Do you care if he knows?
My husband...
does he know? I don't know. Do I care? Sure.
I care because he has the capability to find happiness in his own right if he would only learn some basic concepts of how he is still in a dysfunctional relationship with his ex which is overflowing into his current one.
The kicker is that I'm finally finding myself again, learning to love myself a little more, and going back to being the beautiful person(inside AND out) I once was. The person he fell in love with... and I'm realizing how much I've missed who I once was before this whole mess.
I was so busy trying to adapt to my surroundings that I lost a sense of who I was... and now that I'm getting that back, I see how silly it was of me to change for someone else. I should be loved for being just me, not who someone wants me to be. Fear of losing him was the driving force, so in an attempt to face that fear... I'm learning so much about myself.
And I really like her... a lot.
So do I care? Sure. Just not at the expense of me anymore.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
I still read! More on
I still read! More on facebook, though.
To every thing there is a season.
Negative... NONO
GRRRR.... I think the same as SIA...
The dude has some issues... he NEEDS to see his daughters? THAT IS BS... Good for you, don't go there... let him go to the party and have some fun... ~NOT?
WOW, I just can't imagine DH wanting to do something like that, he really dislikes BM, and would never just "hang out" at her house, for NO REASON, and DH should be trying to plan a nice couple time, since your kids are going to be gone as well...
ISSUESSSSS!!!
~You can see clearly only with your heart. What is truly important is invisible to the eyes~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry's
He can feel free...
"let him go to the party and have some fun... ~NOT?"
I am not inclined to allow or not allow my husband to do anything. If that's what he wants, so be it. He says he won't go without me... therefore it'm my fault that he can't be with his daughters that day.
So be it.
I'm not going. He can do whatever he wants, I just don't give a rat's arse anymore.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Ok he's really starting to piss me off
Ya want I should send my DH over there to talk some sense into him? DH's got some "family" in Jersey that could help out. (Well...except that most people from Jersey think the world ends when you leave the turnpike.)
ARGHHHHHH!!!!!
He is so ridiculous!
It's time to throw him to the dogs and ask Dr. Phil's favorite question-
"How's this workin' for ya? Because (as Dr. Phil always explains) as human beings we tend to repeat things we find enjoyable or that benefit us in some way."
Go ahead and toss that one at him. Or have you already?
"To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them?" ~Hamlet Act III scene I
Sita.
Ridiculous is not even the word anymore.
"How's this workin' for ya? Because (as Dr. Phil always explains) as human beings we tend to repeat things we find enjoyable or that benefit us in some way."
Good question for someone seeking answers.
He, however, is living in that FOG (Fear/Obligation/Guilt) and will adamantly defend and justify his stance. He is her only stability and that's who he wants to be.
I either accept that or I don't.
I'm leaning towards the latter.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Colorado Girl
Please comfort yourself with the knowledge that I'm sure there was at LEAST one person at that Christmas party that thought.. wow... BM is a bitch and needs to get a clue!! And had a good laugh at her and her own stupidity after the fact.
For some reason, DH needs a light bulb to go on in his itty bitty brain. For some reason, he's not connecting the Christmas fiasco with your (rightfully) hurt feelings. I honestly don't know how to make that light bulb go off. Wasn't he embarrassed too at Christmas? Or did he think that BM made the fool of HERSELF, NOT YOU , so you shouldn't be embarrassed. Is that what he feels? I'm guessing that he also may have friends there he wants to see. It's just unfortunate that he's literally having a big mental block right now.
Can I ask.. if he gives up his weekend, so the girls can go to the party, is it possible for you to have them the weekend after, even though it may be 2 weekends in a row? That way he gets the quality time with his girls but NOT at a party.
I'd hate to see you ruin your weekend with arguing. There's a couple ways you could possibly proceed:
1. You could tell him that he can go do his thing and you'll go do your own thing. Hurt, resentment and misunderstanding all around.
2. You could open up to him and tell him AGAIN since he seems to know, how hurt and humiliated you were at Christmas and that you really don't wish to relive that. And that even though HE doesn't think it was a big deal... it was to you. And just lay those cards out on the table. Of course, the risk here is that he still doesn't get it and argues his point. Possible hurt, misunderstanding and resentment still all around.
3. You could agree to go to the party, but only as a "stop-in" and that you are then going to your friends' party together after. And make sure he agrees and understands that. The risk here is that you may get there and think "stopping in" is 5 minutes and he thinks it's 2 hours. You may want to clarify that. Uncomfortable for you... yes. Resentment... maybe while there, but maybe not after you leave??? Also, if you go, be prepared for anything that may pop up and don't be afraid to defend yourself. You have much more restraint than I... OBVIOUSLY to a lot here. If BM here had suggested that DH were her soul mate and their love is everlasting, I'm sure I'd be saying something sarcastic along the lines of Yeah, I used to thin David Cassidy was my soul mate! I know he loves me too!!! And give her the big old... FU - but nicely of course!!
There's so many ways this scenario could play out. I haven't recently read any of your blogs so I don't know if your DH is just a dunce in this regard, or if he's always this blind.
I'm hoping that you two can talk it out, ahead of time, and really try to work on a solution that works for the 2 of you. He gets to see his kids ... you get to not have to deal with psycho BM. Over here, we let BM take SD to family parties on some holidays and then celebrate again together the next weekend. If you could find fireworks in your area and take the kids on your own to another set BEFORE or AFTER that party, it may just be enough for your DH to skip the party.
Good luck!
Stick..
What a little gem you are.
I adore your ability to seek an answer, a solution. You are much like me.
"How much can I sacrifice for the greater good so EVERYONE can be happy."
That is my mantra in my situation. You know where that got me? Right here where I'm at. The BM in my life is diagnosed bipolar with the sidedish of borderline personality disorder and is an ocean of turmoil that washes away any line I draw in the sand. The boundaries in my life are forever being tested and pushed back "a little bit". I'm just burnt out a thousand times over am I burnt out.
I'm done compromising on certain aspects. I'm done being the one who shelves everything that brings me joy so that everyone else feels better or more comfortable.
I think you are a beautiful soul who has the right tools to make your situation work. I really appreciate your advice and I think there is just a ton of merit to what you are saying...
So pardon my pessimissm, I'm just over it. I have reached a limit that I wasn't sure existed until last night.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
I understand
I hope I didn't offend you. I truly hope that you are okay... and WILL BE okay next weekend. I hope this limit that you have reached gives you the strength you need to do what is best FOR YOU!!
Of course not..
you didn't offend me in the slightest.
It's funny, I feel more empowered today than I have in a very, very long time.
I feel that with my current path, happiness is truly within reach. My husband isn't even a factor in the equation, he can follow me there... or not. I just don't give a shit anymore.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Hey- THAT's MY MANTRA!!!!
"How much can I sacrifice for the greater good so EVERYONE can be happy."
Oh God. We do that don't we? We women in particular? Oh and the codependents in the bunch, myself included? OY VEY!
I am working on heading the same direction you are going. Maybe we'll both get there and start that SM commune some day! We will have lots of wine, or umbrella drinks brought to us by the pool by hot young cabana boys, while a few others fan us all day. We will be slender and youthful and everyone will wonder how old we are, because we can't possibly have TEENAGERS somewhere in the world. We will LAUGH and SING and DANCE like no body's looking, and not care even if they are.
Ahhhh....sigh....can't wait.
I wondered what was going on with you today... and yesterday~
This explains it. Send DH my way... I am gonna bust out the frying pan and give him the KABOOONG of a life time and try to smack some sense back in to him.
But seriously, I am sorry this is going on. You have the right idea. Pick your head up and go have fun of your own. I see all of the pictures of you and your girl friends and wish that we lived closer so I could join you on your girls nights!
He is either going to GET IT, or he's NOT... you can't force him to do what you want him to do, even when it is so obviously THE RIGHT THING TO DO. I keep hoping to read a post from you saying that he has finally pulled his head out. I keep prayin...
DISbelief~
~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~ ; )
My girl!!!
"I see all of the pictures of you and your girl friends and wish that we lived closer so I could join you on your girls nights!"
Come on!! Plane tickets are cheap these days.
I used to hang onto a hope that he would "get it". I'm slowly letting go of that hope. What if he never does and I waste half my life waiting for it?
That would leave me pretty miserable, which I strive not to be.
So I'm going to stop placing in stock in that happening.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
CG
Wow!
What's up with him being so think headed? Did he forget what happened at the Christmas thing? Maybe it's like that movie "50 First Dates" or something like that where he can't remember anything the next day. That must be it!!! Otherwise he's just smokin something!
Dawn
ACTUALLY...
there is a lot of merit to what you ask.
He forgets because he is conditioned to do so. It's a characteristic of someone who has been in a relationship with someone like his ex (abusive, borderline, controlling, etc.) They downplay and "forget"... like an emotional amnesia as a coping skill.
I, on the otherhand, have a fantastic memory and won't get sh*t on twice thank you very much.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Dorothy - I can only come up with 2 reasons
The one way I think a guy could NOT get it is if he thinks that the BM made a fool of herself, not of Colorado girl... and BM was the one looking like the idiot. I'm guessing a few people at the party at least thought that. So in his mind, it's BM's issue, not Colorado Girl's.
That , or, is he the kind of guy that hangs out with guys that get drunk and do stupid stuff quite a bit?? Because then it's like, oh that.. whatever, that was 6 months ago!!
Those are the only reasons I can come up with that he could even begin to think it's not a big deal. And I hate to sound like a man basher, but some men are NOT the most enlightened creatures we know...
What a moron!
Okay, does he get that spending quality time with HIS WIFE is important as well? I'd love to collar that guy and say, "Relationships don't just maintain themselves, dumbsh*t! You gave your ex-wife the girls for the weekend -- now it's time to pay attention to your MARRIAGE. One day you're going to look around and you won't have one anymore."
Sigh.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
I seem to remember that
I seem to remember that after the Halloween party at your place that she invited herself to that he said NEVER AGAIN... yet, he allowed more of the same at the Xmas party, and now he wants to ruin the 4th for you as well??!??
I would tell him that she already met her quota of holidays to ruin in the past year, and that you would like to enjoy at least 1 freakin holiday a year. Its the 4th for crying out loud.. its not freakin Christmas, Easter or Thanksgiving.. its not the skids bdays, nor is it Father's Day.. SOOOOOOooooo... cant he just give you a restful, peaceful holiday together w/no freakin drama?
K
Speaking as one who was at
Speaking as one who was at said Halloween party, NO KIDDING! CG, I will be happy to remind DH of Halloween. Very happy to do so. Tell him he's an idiot if he misses out on my cooking and the kayaks. And, if he chooses to be an idiot... Well, did I mention there's a bar at the main clubhouse in the apartment complex? Right next to the lake and the big pool? We're going to have a lovely day! Sia, hey, girl, you should come visit, too.
FIM, this is an excellent
FIM, this is an excellent point. CG, I'll be happy to remind DH why parties with BM are not a great idea. I still recall Halloween. I would almost be willing to have idiot ex-fh remind him, too.
To every thing there is a season.
Ummm no
You see, my DH did this same kind of stuff. Going over to BM's house on Christmas day to play Guitar Hero with his kids - staying for hours, going over to clean up BM's messes, going over to babysit his 15 year old daughter half the day and cooking dinner while he was there, you name it. Sneaking and going to BM's behind my back when he figured out I didn't like it. He did it until I put my foot down. I was totally uncomfortable and it felt like to me that it was a polygamist society that I was living in - that he had two wives.
This will never work for you! He has one wife and that is you - he is going to have to finally get it. I'm not sure what it is going to take for that to happen. I had to ream my DH for a long while (a year or two give or take) before he got it. Also counseling.
You deserve much better than this - I would not accept that he is going over there for the 4th. I would put my foot down and tell him exactly what you expect. For me, going to BM's to see his kids is unacceptable especially in your situation given the history there with the stunts BM pulls. BPD or not, she is making a choice to behave the way she does and your DH needs to stop playing into her games. That is ridiculous.
My DH realizes now he almost screwed up bigtime and will admit it. I wish yours would wake up. I think you're going to have to press him in a very uncomfortable way.
I wish the best for you and girl do I remember exactly what this situation feels like.
And I forgot to add
That some divorced dads have a real problem with dealing with holidays. Their guilt takes over more at those times.
CG, What holiday
was it when you threw the crazy biotch to the ground?
Girl I am so sorry that he just doesn't get it. Her I get she has a menatal illness, but him, he has no good excuse. stick to your guns & maintain your boundaries. Or bring Annabihibik with & the two of you put her in her place.
Hang in there!
i was just about to ask that..
your weekend sounds way more fun. I hope he reconsiders but some men have short memories.
One can only hope!
does he
Does he think normal xH spend every holiday with their Xs? Go spend your time doing what makes you happy and forget about him, Bm and their mental illness. Yes, I did say their mental illness because he is just as mental as she is.
Yeah I remember when you threw her on the ground to!
And you were sitting in your DH's lap, etc. Doing all the things you would normally do if she were just a regular friend. I thought that would have turned her sour enough to not invite yall, or herself, to any more functions!
Here's a link to CG's theme song today:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFG9dwolo3Q&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fvideo%2Egoo...
Wow....look how long that link is! LOL
~All you need is Faith, Trust, and a little bit of Pixie Dust~
Love it!
I actually said that very phrase this morning, except I slipped the F-bomb in place of damn.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
I'm glad that you enjoyed that link.
But now I want you to realize that you are CG. You are the girl that can deal with situations like this. You are the one that I strive to be like, you and Stick, and another that isn't here that is! You do have to realize that he assumes this is all okay because it's been okay in the past. Right? I know, it's hard to be around the BM and I personally couldn't do it. But I never have therefore DH would never just assume it's okay. I really think that your DH thinks this is "no big deal" because it's never been. You've stepped up to the plate no matter what was on it. He's probably surprised that you are not wanting to step up to this one. Do you see where I'm going with this?
You know I love you CG............
Get over it. Love that DH of yours. He's a good man, good father, you wouldn't love him otherwise. This current situation may be of your own making.
(((hugs)))
~All you need is Faith, Trust, and a little bit of Pixie Dust~
ColoradoGirl, he's the one who gave up his weekend with his D's
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
so they could attend the party. Now he wants to attend so he will be with them...and expects you to comply, to "tag along", not caring one whit about wether CG is happy at all.
This may come off a bit "bewitched is divorcing, so she's on a rage". If so, forgive me. But.
Where in all of this is your DH caring about you? He's caring about his kids having fun. Great. He's caring about himself-wanting to be at BM's bcause that's where HE placed the kids for the weekend. But where's he caring about you? His wife? His to have and to hold?
No. You put yourself on the line at the Christmas party. And got tromped on for putting everyone before yourself. After being a doormat who everyone wipes their feet on repeatedly, one gets really tired of it. And if your DH isn't going to care about you, then you'd better. Or no one else ever will.
You are right in saying-let him make his own decisions, and making your own decisions. Basically, H make his own decisions, and they were always in favor of anyone but me. So I'm now making my decision; if I were to live the way H would have it, I would be better off being no longer on this earth.
As far as I know, we have but one life. How many more holidays is your H going to expect you to bow down to making everyone but yourself happy?
I guess that if it was so important, such a priority to him, to be with his kids on this holiday, he had the option of telling BM no, the kids would be with him on the 4th.
H
My H and I have been together 14 3/4 years and we have never spent a holiday with either of our Xs. Both of us would laugh our assess off if any one suggested that we do that.
CG
You need to tell him to get real and stop feeding the dragon. You need to tell him that you are not going to enable stupidity and that he is on his own. Get your life back and be happy. Do the things that make you happy and maybe he will follow you instead of living in the past.
We're going to go soak up
We're going to go soak up some sun on the lake and then hit the bar in the clubhouse on the way back in. Then, we can just lounge by the pool and watch to sunset over the lake. Whatever. If he doesn't want to enjoy my awesome food and the wonderful amenities of my apartment, then he's ridiculous. But, he's still good at moving my stuff.
To every thing there is a season.
Oh Gawd !!
Time for an altimatum (sp) !! Get real or get out! That is so not what you want to hear, I know, especially from me. Fat arse....oh hell no! I'm so glad that you are focussing on your happiness, cause you have generously given so much of yourself. This is not right, nor not fair.
Let me know what you decide... ((((big bear hugs))))
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!