No time for our relationship
I am sure this is nothing new for many in this group, but with two stepchildren, agess 11 and 13, I feel my FH and I am always running to some event for one of them. I really feel this is having an effect on our relationship and my insecurity of always coming #2. He is a great dad, don't get me wrong. He can't work late on the days the kids are with us, so he then works late on the days we don't leaving me alone. He, then being a guy, has no idea what I am upset about. How have some of you made sure your relationship had its own time? Sometimes I feel my relationship revolves around the kids schedules.
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You need date night.
Set aside one night a week and do something with just you two. Turn off the phones, go to dinner, movie, or just dinner and movie at home. It'll be your time.....and your time only. Tell the kids to, let them know that on Wednesday night between 7-10 you will both be unavailable. There are all kinds of things you can do for just the two of you. If you don't have alot of money you can do tons at the house! Trust me, I know!
~all you need is Faith, Trust, and a little bit of Pixie Dust...and sometimes a machine gun~
I like the idea of date
I like the idea of date night. After being together for going on 5 years, that would be fun again. I sometimes think (even though we are not yet married) that we act like old married folks and the relationship is taken for granted. I guess i am just looking to put some fun and sparks back into the relationship.
Hmmm
Dh and I get time to ourselves usually twice a month, but its hard with our work schedules. At times my son will go spend the weekend with Dh's X (she never had a son) and we go out to dinner. but usually we're happy just staying home and ordering food like that.
Dh and I are both in the public eye all day for work. So the time we're home we wanna be home.
by the time we get one night alone
we have 6 kids between us. I have mine 5-6 nights a week and his 3 kids are at least 4 nights, by the time we get a night alone, we are too exhausted to move from our beds or even hve sex....its hard but I think we SM's need to stop using this "2nd best " statement. The kids are supposed to come first in any family. With our schedule, I feel like one night a month is a resonable expectation. I am happy with just some affection in bed and the nightly recap of or day after the kids go to bed. I hope that as the kids get bigger we can have more time to spend alone but for us now is not that time and that is that.
AMEN!!!!!!!!!! And this is
AMEN!!!!!!!!!!
And this is the story of my life. My husband is off every other weekend. Guess which weekends we have SS? When DH is home of course, Honestly it wouldn't make sense any other way. This weekend we DON'T have SS. But SS had a karate tournament thing. So DH was at that until nearly 9p.m. I would say.
So this weekend, I sit alone with my BS1, while SS9 spends the weekend with his grandparents like he always does on the weekends we don't have him. His BM would never have him on a weekend. There is wayyyyyyyyy too much partying to be done to let a pesky little thing like parenting get in the way. I am so glad we give her $500 a month. Poor soul.
re: AMEN
YUP BM needs to take the child for the weekend so you and DH can have a night out@@ whatta unfit parent, why haven't you gone for full custody yet?
I understand that the kids
I understand that the kids need thier father and I am not trying to rob them of him. I just need time too. He has to juggle both relationships. Sometimes I just feel a little left out.
With my dad, his marriage to
With my dad, his marriage to my stepmom came before me and my sister...but their children came before their marriage, as in their main focus was them. They have been married 25 years. So maybe just with blended families the spouse needs to come first? Which meant unequal treatment between me and my sister and our half sibs.
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"
Amy
I think every relationship needs couple time, no matter what the kid circumstances are, or else the relationship is destined to fail, sooner or later. I think that's particularly true in stepparenting relationships. After all, in "first" marriages without kids, the couple normally has years kid-free to establish their couplehood and enjoy being together, just the two of them, before kids arrive.
In stepfamilies, kids are there from the beginning, so there's no time to cement the couple without them. And it's much easier to neglect the couple relationship when there are so many other demands on your time (demands from kids, ex-wives, etc.). Add to this the fact that the kids are only the biological children of ONE of the partners, and you really have a recipe for disaster unless you make it a priority to carve out time for yourselves.
You MUST have time to bond. And you MUST have time to yourselves, where you recommit to knowing that each of you is #1 in the other' life. How does your FH feel about all of this? Does he agree you need time to yourselves? If not, why does he resist it? That's a red flag... If he does resist, I would point out to him the statistics regarding second marriages (60% end in divorce, and if you look only at remarriages where there are children from previous marriages involved, the number jumps to 63%). Suggest to him that if the two of you don't want to end up being a statistic, you need to start making your relationship a priority.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
DH and I have date night
DH and I have date night weekly; on Wednesdays when my BD's are with their dad for 2/3hrs. We also have about 1 or 2 Friday's/month and 1 weekend EOM when we don't have the skids.... It has to be that way.
Bring the subject up in a caring way. Know that when he doesn't have his kids he misses them. If you push his buttons the wrong way, he'll either want more time without you and more time with his kids or have alone time with you and make it very known that he misses his kids and then your alone time is spent in silence; been there, done that.
If asking nicely doesn't work, I suggest counseling; any counselor will tell you two that the marital relationship is the primary relationship in the household.
Good luck!
"I aint no Carol Brady"