Nice
SD7 just walked in from playing at a friend's house and said she made presents. She came out to show me a picture she drew and it is addressed "To Mom and Dad". DH hasn't been with his ex since SD was 2. And DH thinks these days alone will help my relationship with SD. All that did was put another nail in the coffin.
I've been feeling so down about my life here lately. The other night my dad called and was trying to give me advice or help in any way possible and I almost didn't want to hear any of it. It's not good.
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Maybe she meant you.
Maybe she meant you.
Maybe you could say, Oh, is
Maybe you could say, Oh, is this for me? I know it's hard....not knowing exactly where you fit in the big scheme of things. Maybe her friend was drawing a picture for her parents (if they were together) and only made one picture....maybe SD didn't want to make 2 pictures since "mom" and dad don't live together and just did the one....
I feel for you....I feel the same way sometimes.... {{hugs}}
*Katherz*
Finish each day and be done with it.You have done what you could.Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in, forget them as soon as you can.Tomorrow is a new day, you shall begin it well and serenely ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
I would have said the same.
I would have said the same. If she said no, tell her she should make 2 so each of her parents can enjoy it at their houses.
she probably didnt mean you.
she probably didnt mean you. sorry to be so blunt, but children of divorce very rarely do nice things for their sp's. some do, but alot dont because they feel they are being disloyal to the bio parent.
dont take it personally. and your dh shouldnt force u 2 to bond. and thats what i think he may be doing.
She could have meant you as
She could have meant you as Mom or she could have done it to hurt your feelings. You never know with kids. Has this kind of thing happened before? Maybe Dad should give her the mommy and daddy aren't getting back together talk to be sure.
Oh I know she didn't mean
Oh I know she didn't mean me. I have never been "mom" because BM is around. The most I get is grouped into the parents group when the school says "Tell your parents blah blah". SD has also been a bit of a jerk with me lately too. I don't know that she meant to hurt me on purpose but it was obviously not meant to be good.
You would be surprised what
You would be surprised what goes on in kids heads... my BD6 does NOT like DH. For no real reason. I have been with him since she was 1, and she knows NO different... she just doen't like him. She is always making sure everyone knows that HE is NOT her dad. As many times as I have talked to her about how much he loves her, and that it is okay to love her BioDad, and her stepDad... and that her Daddy and DH get along... it just doesn't sink in. She wants NOTHING to do with it.
To my surprise, just last night she was making her Santa list... shw wrote at the top "mom and dad, plees give to Santa" (she is only 6, her spelling is not perfect). So, I told her she needed to make 2 lists for Santa, one for each house, so he knows she has two houses. She said "oh no mommy, that one is for you and DH, I already made one at Daddy's house".
Who knows... maybe it finally sunk in... or maybe she just REALLY wants us to give the letter to Santa and she is playing the "daddy" card. Either way... it proved to me that I never really know what they think. They are too little to truly express their feelings. Some day she will be there.. but not at age 6.
DISbelief~
~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~
Your DH needs to have a talk
Your DH needs to have a talk with her. At 7, Im pretty sure she knows better. Is her Mom cool with you guys or does she say bad things to your SD?
I'm not sure. SD is really
I'm not sure. SD is really good at repeating everything we all say in one household to the other household. Unless she's getting better at keeping secrets, I think we would have heard if BM was saying things about us. Although now that I say that, DH told me that SD told him stuff BM said a long time ago about some things that went on here (just dumb stuff) so who knows what's going on over there.
i would have ripped the
i would have ripped the photo in two (down the middle between the two, not like ripping it in to pieces), and said, "there ya go, now thats how it goes! now mommy can go to her house and daddy can come to our house with me, yep thats how its supposed to go!"
You're kidding.... right? "I
You're kidding.... right?
"I will not take responsibility, where I do not have authority." ~ MeanOleMe
I know you'd never really do
I know you'd never really do that nikki but it's still a hilarious thought! lol, it's a good thing we stepmoms have impulse control or there'd be some crying,whining skids out there for real!
thx for the chuckle nikki
~Why run away? I know who I am...you know who I am. Just let me be~
actually... i wasnt kidding.
actually... i wasnt kidding. and i would not do it in a mean way at all i would explain, or maybe say well where am i? , but i think with the amount of brain washing going on, sometimes the kids need something blunt to think to them self? hmmmmmm, sm is right, mommy lives here and daddy lives there.
im going through the same thing right now with ss. he was 1 yr old when bm cheated on dh and left him. now ss is 4.5 and because bm couldnt keep her bf around now she has started telling ss that her and dh are supposed to be together, she tries to convince ss to invite places that he goes with dh, etc...
now before anyone starts going all judgmental and nuts....i wrote this from the point of view that at 7 (i have dated some one with a 7 year old) They know exactly what they are doing! if my skid at 7 came in and showed me that while i was spending the day with her, I WOULD, (most likely, dont know because i havent been in that position) do something like rip it to show that clearly mommy and daddy are not together any more and her attempts along with bm to hurt my feelings or make me feel insignificant are not going to work!
so many members speak of demanding respect from their step children. Am I the only one who sees how disgustingly disrespectful this is? Im sure that little girl knew exactly what she was showing you! (unless you found out she was referring to you, I havent had time to read all the responses)
no judgements here honey:)
no judgements here honey:) I still think it's funny and likely extremely effective!
~Why run away? I know who I am...you know who I am. Just let me be~
lol, i know that there is a
lol, i know that there is a part of kids that will cause many of them to do it...i know i went through a phase when i was little, and there was no kind of PAS going on. I would not be mean about it at all, and i wasnt talking about ripping it up like destroying it. some one mentioned to me yesterday in response to my blog about ss being rude to me...that i should speak up to ss and let him know when he is being rude or disrespectful...well i didnt have a chance, but dh told ss on the way home that he had really hurt my feelings, etc. ss4 demanded to call me right then and tell me he loves me and cant wait for me to get home so we could do some crafts together! we had a great night!!!
i think that sometimes kids will do things hurtful to please the parent who is brain washing them because they think thats whats expected....but when they realize what they are doing is hurtful they realize its wrong
I'm not making a judgment
I'm not making a judgment here. I just have a question though.
I think our emotions run high when it comes to this stuff because we have such ill feelings toward BM. And we feel underappreciated.
But how many times in our lives have we done something... innocently enough... as children, but also as adults.... that we have found out later hurt someone else's feelings? We have made the offhand remark. We have bitten off the closest person's head because we are stressed about something completely unrelated. We have said things that we now may regret or are ashamed of.
Has anyone NOT done one of those things? Has anyone here hurt someone else and then later realized how our actions affected them? And then felt HORRIBLE because we didn't think of it that way. Or we were distracted by our own needs... Or we were only thinking of ourselves.
It could be PAS.... but it could not. I personally think this is innocent on this kids' part. EVEN IF they miss their mom and dad together. That's not a slight or insult to stepmom. Because stepmom could be anyone.
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
very true....i feel horrible
very true....i feel horrible actually by what happened yesterday..dh had a huge fight about the way ss was treating me, and when dh called him out on it he said he wasnt trying to do that and ss and i had a great night last night....
however in relation to this post...
1. she said skid does not, and was not old enough to remember bm and dh together.
2. sd is not just the person closest to her that she is "taking it out on", sd is the direct person whos actions hurt sm...and imho, i feel knew, and is getting these ideas from some where. if she was 4 or 5 like my skid, ok still young....but 7? thats old enough to know. i have had a 7yr old in my life in a crazy bm situation.
obviously, there are more tactful ways to handle this situation then ripping the paper in two to demonstrate that the two in fact are NOT together....and you are correct, if i upset sd by my bluntness i would have felt like a big huge boob, but in all the frustration...THE BIG QUESTION IN ALL OF THIS!!! At what point do we start holding people accountable for their actions?! and for that matter............... how much hurtful actions are we supposed to endure as step mothers?
"how much hurtful actions
"how much hurtful actions are we supposed to endure as step mothers?"<----- according to the BM's of our skids...we must endure EVERYTHING skids dish out...til we're dead of a broken heart and shattered mind
~Why run away? I know who I am...you know who I am. Just let me be~
exactly...and i refuse to be
exactly...and i refuse to be that!
my step father demanded respect from me! and i had no choice but to give it...even when i didnt like him...guess what today at 27 i love and respect my step father for all he has done for me, and continues to do!
there were times he called me out on things and hurt my feelings....but you know what i realized what i was doing to him and i thought about what the hell i was putting him through at times!
he has been in my life since i was four
SMNikki - I guess the only
SMNikki - I guess the only thing I would add then to this is that I think the fact that SD was not old enough to remember bm and dh together is irrelevant. And in some cases, can even add to the issue.
My SD was not old enough to know her father and mother together as well. It doesn't negate the fact that she DOES KNOW that her family is different than others (less so now). Where the bio mom lives with the bio dad. So I don't think that just because SD never experienced her mom and dad in a loving healthy "together" relationship should take away her own growing up, dealing with the fact they don't, and desire for it. I don't think it's fair to say just because you never had it, means you cannot want it.
In answer to your big question... again - I think it's a separate issue. We start to hold people accountable for their actions immediately. A baby reaches for an outlet and we say "NO" very sternly to scare them. It starts immediately. The difference is how we hold them accountable... and what we hold them accountable for. (In my opinion)
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
I agree...my son was barely
I agree...my son was barely 2 when me and his dad split, he is now 6 and is starting to bring up that he wished his dad lived with us! He's never said he doesnt want my DH to live here, he loves his stepdad, but he doesnt understand why his dad can't live with us too, and why he is so far away. Just breaks my heart
Its hard to explain this stuff to little ones...my son still doesnt know I was ever married to his dad either. I know he'd be really upset if he knew that I stopped being married to his dad and am now married to my DH. My DH and I have a son together and BS6 sometimes asks why we live with BS1's daddy but we can't also live with his daddy!
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"
to me sd having the desire
to me sd having the desire to want bm and their dad together or having questions/feelings about it is not what i feel is the thing to be held accountable, its that at seven she did something knowing that it would hurt the step moms feelings. imho, i think that at 7 you do know what does and does not hurt your sm's feelings (for the most part)
sd asking and discussing with dh or sm about their questions and troubles with bm and daddy not together is one thing....like i mentioned, i dated some one with a seven year old daughter, she was awesome, but was not like rocket scientist for her age...and i can say that any of her or her friends that i met would have known exactly what they were doing, had they done this.
that is the sole source for my comment, a skid did something to purposely hurt the feelings of the sm
uh, i just went and re read
uh, i just went and re read the original blog.... i was reading quickly when i originally read it since im at work... sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo different, i thought sd drew a picture of bm and dh together.
my bad....
unfortunately not many bm's are as level headed and classy as my mom was...but i knew from an early age what was hurtful and what was not....
Maybe you could later get
Maybe you could later get out some art supplies, and say, "SD, since mom and dad don't live together, do you want to make a new picture for dad so they can both have one?" Then if she agrees, bring up the idea of each of you making a picture for each other. See what she says, it might put it into a better perspective.
"I will not take responsibility, where I do not have authority." ~ MeanOleMe
Ough I know that feeling, I
Ough I know that feeling, I had the nicest weekend with my SS, we went to a family party of my DH. He looked so handsome, I was feeling so good towards SS. On the car ride home he kept bring up BM, the old feeling just washed over me.
The emotional side of me
The emotional side of me would be very very hurt.
The rational side of me would be arguing with my emotional side... Reminding me that these kids are trying to work something out as well.
Not every slight is intended. Not every reference to BM is meant to hurt Stepmom. Not every picture drawn, item made, etc.. reflects the reality of what is going on in these childrens' brains.
She's only 7. Chalk it up to her being young and not understanding how much it hurt. Chalk it up to the fact that even though her mom and dad split when she was two... doesn't mean that she cannot have feelings herself about wanting an intact family.
I think we make the mistake sometimes of expecting children to grasp the emotional realities of adults.
For all you know, this little girl may still be mourning the fact that she doesn't have her mom and her dad together in one house. And you know what? We should empathetic to that fact. Not like, "Oh too bad... get over it". Was she at a friend's house with a mom and dad who were still together?
I know you are feeling sad and hurt. I would be too. I would be very upset. But please don't take it out on this little girl. I'd be very surprised if at 7 years old she is as manipulating and cunning and evil as some would believe.
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Ha!! Hi Crayon!! I'm
Ha!! Hi Crayon!! I'm waving at you from across the fence!!
SS10's parent's have been
SS10's parent's have been divorced since he was around 5 yrs old and has drawn a picture a couple times of "his family" or "Mom and Dad" (family being BM's other kids). No pictures included me or BS nor were they for me. I did not think it was out of spite or malice when he said "LovingLife, look what I drew!". It didn't bother me a bit. Should it?