I hate BM. I have sat thru this weekend SEETHING.
It's nothing drastic like what some women go through on here. But every time I start to write it I just get PISSED that BM is so self centered and so completely oblivious to only her and her family's needs, and will alienate and hurt SD.
It's a systematic guilt trip on SD from BM, and all members of her family.
In a nutshell, SD had a schedule conflict. She had volunteered at Petsmart on Saturday during the day until 5pm. That night, she had 2 parties to go to. One was the 15 year old cousin on her dad's side - who's party she committed to going to in December, and the other was the 50th birthday of her aunt on her mom's side, which we just found out about this week.
Since SD had just spent the past 2 weekends with her mom, that particular aunt who is turning 50, and that side of the family at a full family party.... and since SD has usually missed the DH cousin's parties in the past because of conflicts like this, SD honored her original commitment and went to the party for the 15 year old girl.
Well, BM and her stupid fugly family decided to just lay the guilt on SD about how "this 50th birthday is really important and she should be there" and why is "SD making the other cousin's birthday more important than the 50th birthday by only going there?"... I F*CKING HATE THEM.
It should have NEVER EVER turned into this. Ever. It was a stupid unfortunate schedule conflict. There was no need for the big guilt trip on SD to make her feel even more alienated and alone from that family.
So, BM calls SD and says something... I don't know what... and SD lets it go on her and says "I had a FAMILY commitment. It was just on dad's side of the family. You need to get over yourself. The whole world does not revolve around you and your family."
WHOOOPS.... Those are my words, that I have used in the past when BM's family tries to call all these last minute shots and I don't let them. I also use it on SD and her teenage friends when they can make a plan and decide I am the last minute driver. I've used it in the context of teaching respect for other people's time when making plans. I am constantly forcing SD to force BM to make a schedule and stick to it. Like everyone else in the world seems to be able to do.
Anyway, BM hears that and must have asked "Where did that come from? Who said that?" And SD is pissed and says "It's coming from me!! I said it!! I feel it!!" And then SD said that BM let out the most horrible wail in pain and started screaming at her how "It's all about family!! And we need to stick together" and "Why are you saying these things? Your father is a part of our family? " Which is a big LIE because SD was at a FAMILY party ... just not BM's family.
So SD hears BM just completely wail in pain and screaming at her and starts sobbing because she thinks that her mom is going to kill herself. Her mom's niece (SD"s favorite cousin on that side) gets on the phone because BM had to be consoled and SD is sobbing and the girl doesn't even help SD at all. Doesn't console her or anything. It's all about consoling BM over there.
So I hear crying, and walk into the bedroom and see SD on the floor sobbing just shaking and crying. And she's saying, "I love that family. Why don't they support me? Why don't they love me too? Why did mom let me hear her screaming like that? I hurt her. It's all my fault."
And I had to calm her down. Tuck her under the covers and just hold her and console her and tell her that she didn't do anything wrong. And that I am sorry that her mom doesn't love her the way she wants her to. And I'm sorry that that family doesn't understand.
DH and I are so pissed off. Again - compared to some of you other ladies... this is nothing. But to see a child want their mother and their BM family to accept and love her and just be nice to her and cry because they don't is heartbreaking.
DH and BM are in the midst of child support negotiations and re-dealing with the house division. BM better watch it. If she continues to piss DH off, he is going to take her for the full amount of everything we can get. Which is exactly what we WEREN'T doing.
I know I'm not explaining this well, there has been a lot going on recently. But to see that kid so distraught because she thinks she is going to push her mom into suicide has me so angry at the adult that cannot get their own sh*t together to benefit their child.
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Comments
Wow....I'm sorry that
Wow....I'm sorry that happened to SD. That sucks. I'm not sure which is worse, having our skids live in LALA land about their "perfect" BM, or having BM's instability smack them in the face.
Good for you for being there for her. I know that's tough, but someday she will look back on this and remember who it was exactly that WAS there for her!
"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get me"
It's so wrong. I don't know
It's so wrong. I don't know how any person can do something like that to her own child. I would walk on coals for my son, to me mentally abusing your child ( and that is what she is doing) is wrong & sick. She is so blessed to have you in her life.
So sorry that happened
So sorry that happened Stick. What is it with these women? How old is she? and she's playing these childish games at SD's expense. She needs a "come to Jesus" meeting. Poor girl!
Mom had a stage and she put
:sick:
Mom had a stage and she put on quite the show.
Poor, poor mom... who just wants her daughter to come to a boring party for a 50 year old instead of a more suited party for her similar aged cousin. "She doesn't love me!! Her dad has her so BRAINWASHED!! Stick is telling her what to say!! WOE IS ME!!!"
I'm only guessing on the dialogue but experience has me batting pretty close I bet.
You know what my oldest SD says when her mom is wailing in any attempt at guilt (who is the master at dealing with her mom)...
Whatevah. Sorry you feel that way. Gotta go.
She knows her mom is as mature and dramatic as her 7 year old little sister, so she treats her as such.
Teach your SD to let go of the outcome. She does what she feels is right, she can only control herself and is not responsible for others' outlooks and reactions. Her moral compass is set to the North.. so THEY can say or feel whatever they want. Her boundary is that she doesn't get to be screamed at or abused. So the moment a voice is escalated... mom gets a timeout. She can call back and talk in a tone that is productive whenever she is ready.
She can't change how the members of that side of the family are. She can change how she will accept being treated. Just because they want her to feel guilty... doesn't mean she has to feel that way. That's all up to her.
My oldest SD will laugh at mom's nonsense... cause really it is pretty funny. "I'm gonna kill myself because you won't come to a party..."
Puhlease.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
CG - this made me laugh so!
CG - this made me laugh so! Yes, she did put on a show in the parking lot of the mall for her whole family! UGH.
The scariest thing for me to really see and realize this past weekend is that BM and her family are isolated. They do everything together and get together at least once a week. BM"s older sister's husband is basically very very laid back and fades into the background. BM's middle sister is divorced. BM's mom is 82 years old. There is no outside influence on them. There is no one telling them they are wrong, or that their family or way of life is different. SD has come to see that what sets her apart from that family is that she has a strong father figure and is very close to him. She is the one that pointed this out to me. She compares BM's family to a "Pack of wolves" and feels that she is not like them because she has other input.
She really is smart. It is just surreal to talk to her about her trying to learn to control her emotions and her accepting this treatment. Because then she asks about her mom... and why doesn't her mom have self-control and self-restraint? She is sick of hearing that her mom is "doing the best she can" or sometimes "doing things without realizing she is hurting her own daughter." SD is sick of her mom being - as you so aptly put it - at mature as a 7 year old!
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
I think this really blows.
I think this really blows. Your sd seems to be a really smart young lady. She was trying to do everything she could. I mean volunteered for the day and the sticking to a prior commitment shows very mature young lady. But the be slapped in the face by your own mom for trying to do the right thing has to hurt. All I can say is that Im glad you were there for her. It seems like some people are too selfish to even care about the own offspring. Worse than animals.
Stick, I completely get how
Stick, I completely get how you are feeling! For years I have dealt with this kind of crap from the BM (well, for SD18). SD18 is STILL guilted into things by BM and her looney bin family....
I agree with CG, teach her a different way to let go of it.
Awww man Stick.... I hate
Awww man Stick.... I hate this..... WTF is WRONG WITH THESE BMs??????????? They just all need to be punched in the face...
Give that girl a big ole hug from me. And remember, the more YOU stay calm and level headed the more it will help SD out in the long run. For all the shitty behavior she sees from BM, she is learning mature adult behavior from you!!
Hang in there friend. It's awful to see your kids hurt. I just hate that.
Thanks DPW - SD was actually
Thanks DPW - SD was actually looking forward to taking a break again from spending time with her mom since she has been spending a lot of time with her between her school play, Confirmation and Thanksgiving in November, and then Christmas etc in December.
But now... I think BM has pushed SD away a bit. At this point, it is a little safer for SD that way. Unfortunately.
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Tell your dear SD about
Tell your dear SD about emotional blackmail. Fear Obligation and Guilt This turn of events should never have elicited that kind of extreme reaction. What a sick woman.
Thank you ladies for the
Thank you ladies for the support and the recommendations. I read them to DH and he is truly appreciative as well. CG - DH really liked your ideas about what to say to SD to help teach her how to let go of this crap. And Lizzie - I did paraphrase some very interesting things today to SD about emotional blackmail.
Really - thank you so much. Just reading your responses gives us both (DH and I) some strength. We both dislike BM so much and so to read validation is helpful.
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Oh man, Stick...boy do I
Oh man, Stick...boy do I know how u feel..:(....thank God my skids aren't put thru this BS anymore...because I know how damaging it is...whatever comes back to this woman (BM) is exactly what she deserves for putting her daughter thru all this emotional turmoil for YEARS!!! I LOVE CG's advice of teaching yur SD to set her moral compass to North and letting OTHERS decide what they want to do...but that it is totally THEIR choice...their decisions have nothing to do with her..imo, yur BM is emotionally abusing yur SD...and if she continues, I would apply to the court for her to have her visitation privileges revoked if she does not stop this abuse immediately. as always, yur in my thoughts....
A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how she handles the "mother" part.....