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Stop me from doing something stupid.

Thetis's picture

Submitted by Thetis on Sat, 02/13/2010 - 2:34pm

I want to call Bm.
I want to ask if we can get along.
I want to tell her my fears about SD and the baby me and her dad are expecting.
I want to talk to her about the things her daughter says about being a sibling and sharing her dad.
I want to know I have another team member and not someone against us.
I want to show her all the super cute pics I have of our daughter.
I want to laugh with her about the silly things sd does.
I want to forgive her for the dumb things in the past and help myself and her learn from them.
I want to be happy when I see her and my sd uptown.
I want her to know I am not trying to replace her.
I want her to accept that I am important to her daughter, not just her ex.

I want to trust her.

God I think I may be going crazy.

Comments

Thetis's picture

Submitted by Thetis on Sat, 02/13/2010 - 2:47pm

Oh god, she does not want Dh back. She has issues. Serious issues. I don't think Dh is old enough for her anymore and he's 3 years older.

She's obviously reaching out. But I'm having a hard time trusting her intentions. She may just want to have a good relationship for her daughter, or because me and her actually got along quite well at one point in our lives... like 6 years ago. However she could be setting us up. She is very manipulative... but I don't think she knows it. She could just be trying to get close so she can hurt us more.

I have had my trust broken so many times that it is hard for me to accept anything at face value anymore. I always see alternative motives for things.
I also have a habit of going over board with things. idk these preggo hormones are kicking my ass. I cried when my sd and her dropped off valentines for me and dh last night.
This is someone who I used to view as a younger sister, and it hurts me to see the crap that she has gone through, even though most of it is due to her actions. At the same time though I hate how she treated me, and then dh in the past. grrr Its like a tug of war in my heart.

LizzieA's picture

Submitted by LizzieA on Sun, 02/14/2010 - 11:33am

Start small, then. Little baby steps to see if you can indeed trust her. Let her earn a place in your life again.

Thetis's picture

Submitted by Thetis on Sat, 02/13/2010 - 2:50pm

I was with Dh first! Then she (one of our best friend's little sisters) started calling me and saying that he was saying things about me. Things that struck close to home (she did have her big sister to listen to, who knew all of my fears).
I went crazy and told him he is NOT going to be hanging out with them. I dont want them anywhere near him! And well since this was 6 years ago and we were only 18, he dumped me.
Two weeks later he was fucking her.
Two months later she skipped her pills and got preggo.

belleboudeuse's picture

Submitted by belleboudeuse on Sat, 02/13/2010 - 3:14pm

Thetis, I don't think you're crazy. You say she's been reaching out. But you say she's also very manipulative.

I guess that if I were you, I would take a step toward her. But a careful one -- and one you can take back if she starts treating you liks sh*t. I wouldn't pour all this stuff out to her, because you don't want to open yourself to an attack. Don't put yourself in a vulnerable position.

But you could talk to her about your fears about SD and the baby you're expecting, and tell her that you're worried for the baby, but also worried for SD. If you think she would be receptive, you could tell her that you guys think the best chance for SD to accept the baby and therefore not be hurt by the new arrival is if all of her parental figures are working together to help her prepare and see it as something positive.

Then you can wait to see whether she's willing or able to be helpful to you guys. If she's not, then you know not to try again. If she is, then maybe down the line, you can take another step toward her.

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

StepChicka's picture

Submitted by StepChicka on Sat, 02/13/2010 - 4:59pm

Whoa whoa.....slow down Wink If a guy gives you flowers would you just completely open your heart to him right then and there? (I know you're married now but back in your single days.) I would think you wouldn't give yourself so freely. The same rule applies here. Similar to what BelleB said I say you need to pace this.

As explained in your previous post,BM knows you're grateful for V-day gifts and such. You were in tears, right? To do more might come off as desperate and she could hurt you.

There will be another time when you see/talk to BM. Maybe give her some nice pics of SD that you have. You're giving back the same token Smile As time goes on a trust will build and both of you will be able to shape the friendship (or not) however you feel comfortable.

I'm very happy for you by the way. Life is much easier when the BM and SM can put down their swords and raise the family together. But it just takes time....like anything else Smile

Thetis's picture

Submitted by Thetis on Sat, 02/13/2010 - 5:04pm

I'm just still alittle afraid that she may have put down her sword, just to be able to stick a knife in my back!!!
I hate it because I am SOOO happy that she is trying, I just want to flick that switch and have us get along! But I am sooo scared.
As I said I'm terrible about jumping into things, so I'm just going to do nothing for now. Next time I see her and talk to her, it will be with a smile on my face and kind thoughts in my heart. I just hope I don't get crushed. idk I wish I could sort myself out so everything isn't so black and white, or evil and good. Can't wait to get that councillor my prenatal instructor suggested...

IslandofDreams's picture

Submitted by IslandofDreams on Sat, 02/13/2010 - 6:32pm

Keep your shield up with BM. It might be a trick. You said she is very manipulative.

Don't let your hormones make you think a leopard has changed its spots!

Like Ms.Freeze says redirect your good feelings into your baby. I agree.