any advice
Just wondering if anyone has any ideas on how to have skids give more respect?
My SS13 has some respect for me at times more than others, which i am happy with. My SD10 on the other hand has zero respect for me. Is there a way to make her understand I am an important person in her life too and that I am not just someone who plays taxi and chef?
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Stop playing taxi until she
Stop playing taxi until she gets it. You get what you give, so if she doesn't want to be respectful of you, you don't have to cater to her.
Be honest about why you won't do certain things for her. Everything you do for her is a gift to her (you are not her parent and are not obligated to do things for her). She needs to do something to appreciate / earn those gifts. Let her know (factually and unemotionally) that if she can't be respectful, you are not comfortable doing things for her.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
I agree with soverysad...Why
I agree with soverysad...Why is it we have no problem demanding respect from a stranger, a family member, an adult, a child, etc...but as soon as we get down to skids, well, they seem to be exempt from it...hmmm...no, you demand it just like you demand it from anyone else...period. Otherwise, you stop talking to them...simple.
If you all of a sudden
If you all of a sudden "resign", as I like to put it, that would do it also...
It's not like we are under some legal form of obligation here to cater and be treated like crap.
herewegoagain: Exactly! Why
herewegoagain: Exactly!
Why don't we say/ do/ act on these things in regards to skids and their "moms?" Good point. That's where I am at, "What the hell is wrong with me taking all of this sh--?" That's my tone lately.
It's all abuse! I don't care who they are or who they think they are. I'd give anyone else a f-ing knuckle sandwich, in a NY minute.
You can't make someone
You can't make someone respect you. She has to have consequences for her actions. What does DH do when she acts up like this? I would say that dad has to be taxi for her for a while.
In what ways does she have no respect? Is it "normal 10 year old" behavior that can be dealt with easily or is it way over the line?
Jen
She does have consequences
She does have consequences for her actions, but she does not care if she gets in trouble. My H has tried talking to her, talking away everything she holds dear to her, grounding, etc. It is not normal 10 yr old behavior, it is WAY over i'll give some examples: I was in the kitchen one day and walked into the dining room and said her name, she looked at me jumped up stuck her finger in my face and started screaming at me. She will throw a fit and hit or break stuff when she is proved wrong because "she does not like to be wrong". Her tone when she talks to me is not nice it's always nasty. I have tried to give her things that were given to me by my mother when I was younger just to show her I do care about her and love her (like i would with my BDs), well i've found them broke into pieces and shoved under her bed after few days later
Trust me. I had the same
Trust me. I had the same issue with creature. She just doesn't care if we send her to her room, take away her toys, etc. The ONLY thing that affects her is taking away her special time with her dad. I implemented evening time for just the two of them. It is uninterrupted and they do whatever she wants, just the two of them. Taking THAT away was and is a big deal. Also, I stopped doing things for her and now dh has to do them, which impeded on her monopolization of his attention. She caught on pretty quickly that not respecting svs affects her. I don't give her permission to do anything. I don't take her anywhere. I don't do her laundry. She sometimes has to get up 1 to 1 1/2 hours early to go to her mother because I won't keep her here with me or take her later and she has to leave with dh. My situation is different because part of my problem is "me" issues and I accept that, but it has been effective in helping her understand that her actions affect HER. You need to find something she cares about. Friend time? Phone calls? Anything.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
"She does have consequences
"She does have consequences for her actions, but she does not care if she gets in trouble."
I would argue if the consequences aren't working then there are no consequences. Consequences are only valid if they work. You have to find out what she cares about. Sounds to me like her currency is attention (positive OR negative)! You have to find a child's currency with punishments. She sounds like she wants her attention, so stop giving it to her unless she is acting appropriately. Catch her being good and give her a compliment. When she is being bad, completely ignore her.
Talk to DH about loss of privileges for misbehaving. Something she cares about losing. Once you find out her currency, then DH can use that to figure out punishments.
In the meantime, stop doing extras for her.
Jen
Well this is where it's
Well this is where it's hard. One of her consequences is taking away her beloved cell phone. I know she hates when she doesn't have it and she throws the fit to prove it. After it's taken away she will continue to be rude for about a week or so then she changes into the perfect child and actually works for it back, after getting the phone back it takes a few days for the rude to come back. She also had ODD, which is very frustrating
Whoa...cell phone at 10?
Whoa...cell phone at 10? IMO, cell phone then should go away permanently. None of my fiance's kids had them until 16 when they started working. My sister got one in high school. Not a necessity, and something she cares about.
Jen
Yeah sadly she has a cell
Yeah sadly she has a cell phone. Not my idea that was a gift from her lovely BM, which my H nicely told her you should have asked first before giving her that because she doesn't deserve one!
My step daughter is 11 and
My step daughter is 11 and does the same stuff. I CANT stand it. I stopped giving her things. She has thrown away so much jewelry. I find it under her bed, or at her COUSINS house. I will not even buy her anything any more because of the way she disrespects me and the things I buy for her. It isn't about the "stuff" either its about the time and feelings Ive shared with her that she just takes for granted.
Stop everything you do for
Stop everything you do for her. I stopped a few months ago and it has helped. She seems confused now and has stopped some of the arguing. Not all but some. We are a continual work in progress. I also stay out of her way in the evenings on our week. That has helped too. Girls are so much harder than the boys.
My daughter is an infant...
My daughter is an infant... and I have seen a whole new parent from my dh. If stepson were to cry, he will tell him to stop and "man-up". But as soon as little princess cries... he is immediately on it. I think that men generally tend to want to princess their little girls. Which is why I have two girls who are daddy's girls. But I love that they are treated like princesses!!! WHo woudnt want their daughter to be spoiled!
I will add I have stopped
I will add I have stopped talking to her and giving her what she wants, she only gets what she needs from me
Yes.. you can stop doing
Yes.. you can stop doing everything that you are doing and disengage.. You can show them some bounderies and show them that you will not be treated with disregard. I think that children will treat you the way you let them. If stepkids are doing something naughty, I either tell them there will be a consequence to their action, such as go to bed early.. taking a toy away. Or I will tell their dad directly that he needs to take are of disciplining them immediately. And now he will, I think more not to tick me off. And their behavior has dramatically improved. Because they wont do things to try and get in trouble, but to get praise. I am also a fan of positive discipline.