how do you keep the skids from trickling into your life when they aren't with you?
it is "our" weekend this weekend, a weekend free from sd5 and ss7. they were really bad last weekend, and then dh went away for work and i haven't seen him. i spent this whole week frustrated and confused about their crazy behavior last weekend, and I'm worried that I won't let my mind rest and enjoy the freedom of a child-free weekend.
Sometimes I feel like my entire marriage is one long negotiation over his kids, and in our alone time they are ghosts, disrupting the air around me so that i can't find peace.
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Interesting. We are pretty
Interesting. We are pretty sure some of this is going on. BM won't speak to me, answer questions or even say hello to me -- even in front of the kids -- if she does that in front of me, i can only imagine what nasty things she does away from me to make the kids feel guilty if they have good feelings about me. As this article points out, though, it is SO hard to prove.
yeah, that is what we are
yeah, that is what we are doing now too. how did you stop it? i'm realizing that i might need to just keep quiet, which is SO HARD. argh.
I completely understand what
I completely understand what you mean about the “ghost presence” of the kids when they aren’t with us. Though we do have them most of the time, when they are at BM’s house for a weekend or an evening my husband just sulks around and looks at their things and makes me feel guilty as all hell that he can’t be with them 100% of the time!!!
In my heart I know that he and BM would be divorced with or without my presence, and he would be struggling without the boys alone if I weren’t in the picture, but still! I can’t help but feel guilty when he gets in those moods. Guilt breads guilt I guess… time and patience is the only thing that can bring about peace. And Love… always love.
There is no bigger presence in a persons life then their child.
They’re not just trickled into your life… you immersed yourself in their pool!
I TOTALLY understand. It is
I TOTALLY understand. It is like going through a Detox session or something and it sucks.
I can't really advise you given my current situation and the fact that I must play stupid for another month.
I am supposed to watch DH and BM's 'spawn' this Sunday, alone and I do not want to do it anymore. The kid (5 male) is 'PAS'sed out and he slammed my hand in the fridge last weekend because I did not jump to get him a drink? (ooookay)
I suggest having a drink while you are alone and listening/ dancing to music.
MWC
that's really scary. did dh
that's really scary. did dh at least witness it/say something?
i hear you -- i do not watch them alone unless it is an absolute emergency.
i was thinking of enrolling in classes on nights that we have them. that is a bit crazy, but that's where i'm going.
I have yet to find a way.
I have yet to find a way. When its bad, its bad and we argue and/or talk about the kids and/or BM's behavior even when they arent with us.
it's such a crazy game,
it's such a crazy game, right? i feel like i walk the line between caring too much and fighting dh on their behavior and his weird parenting decisions constantly when they aren't around OR checking out and then having DH mad that i don't seem to care that he is lonely for them and missing them.
Exactly! I am in the deep
Exactly! I am in the deep end of that pool, too!
He just called sounding very sad. He has been away for work all week, and he took sd5 to her class field trip this morning. When he dropped her off afterwards, sd5 was crying and hysterical and asking when she can see him again...he doesn't have them until Tuesday.
Our marriage needs a good, healthy bonding weekend. The kids have been terrible lately, and I need to remember why I put myself in this situation so that I can get through the following weekend without getting crushed from exhaustion.
We planned a trip away together this weekend on the therapist's orders, but I can tell that he is not going into it in happy and light spirits, and I am worried that their little ghosts will once again haunt our attempt to reconnect.
Mich, You could try this,
Mich,
You could try this, this is what I'll be attempting when we do our adults only get away next month (thank goodness)-
"DH, I'm so looking forward to getting to spend this time with you! I'm so excited we'll get to go out, have fun, and really can't wait to be alone with you!" Nudge nudge, wink wink...
And if that doesn't seem to kind of get him started down the road you want him to go on, you may just need to gently spell it out for him that you need a weekend for the two of you to reconnect as lovers and friends, and you need him to focus on the two of you.
Good Luck!